Me There With You Then


The Love Story


		 Edie D. Browning





Me There With You Then

Copyright © 2024 by Edie D. Browning

REA, Maribor

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods except in the case of reviews, without prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, contact Edie D. Browning at www.ediebrowning.com.

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Book Cover by Sarah Oldman

Edited by Susan Keillor

First Digital Edition 2024

Kataložni zapis o publikaciji (CIP) pripravili v Narodni in univerzitetni knjižnici v Ljubljani

COBISS.SI-ID 204325891

ISBN 978-961-96320-2-4 (ePUB)





To Helen – I missed you yesterday, I miss you today, and I will miss you tomorrow. Our girls are all right!





Acknowledgements





This book was written with Love Story by Taylor Swift, the lofi cover by Aurel Surya Lie, playing on repeat, and edited to Birds of a Feather by Billie Eilish. Sam Heughan once again showcased his excellent acting skills, bringing certain scenes in my head to life. This time, though, he took a backseat while Alexander Skarsgård and James Norton took the lead.

Simon Sinek said that you only need one person to believe in you. I'm still learning to believe in myself, but I'm incredibly grateful to have found people who believe in my potential as a writer.

Twelve-year-old Edie's heart is bursting with joy, finally doing what she has dreamed of since she was little. Now, if she could also get paid for it…





Contents




Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Afterword

Also by

About the author





Part I


Finland 2002





1





"We loved with a love that was more than love."





- Edgar Allan Poe





“Downtown, like town centre?” Louise exclaimed, thinking that ‘centre’ was the same in every European language. It was in French, which she had studied for four long years in high school. She was pretty sure it was similar in German as well, but couldn’t quite remember.

"Keskusta,” Mat replied with a broad smile.

“Are you kidding?” she asked, her eyes widening in disbelief. Mat shrugged.

“OK, what about ‘dog’?” she continued.

"Koira.”

They lay entwined under the covers, Mat’s fingers gently tracing patterns on her arm, their hands interlocked. The morning light filtered softly through the east-facing window, casting a warm glow over the room.

Louise turned to him, a wide grin spreading across her face. “Really? OK, ‘Mom’?” she asked, thinking about the word in other languages.

In German: Mama.

In French: Maman.

Heck, in Irish Gaelic: Mam.

“Äiti,” he answered.

Louise’s eyes widened in surprise. “And ‘Dad’?”

“Isä.”

She sighed softly, letting her hand slip from his as she propped herself up on one elbow. “Boy, girl, city?” Her voice carried a hint of playful frustration, as if daring him to keep up.

“Poika, tyttö, kaupunki,” Mat recited, a small smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Louise shook her head in disbelief, her fingers tracing the lines of his face.

"There has to be one,” she murmured, her voice barely above a whisper as she began to caress his forehead. “Eyes… lips?” Her words lingered in the air as she lightly brushed her fingers over his lips, then kissed him softly on the neck.

“Neck… shoulders… stomach…” she continued, her kisses trailing lower.

Mat, with a slow, deliberate motion, rolled her onto her back. He retraced her kisses on her. “Silmät,” he whispered against her eyes. “Huulet…” He deepened the kiss, his mouth seeking hers before he moved to her neck.

“Hartiat…” He nibbled it for a moment, lingering long enough to leave a mark. He smoothed it with his finger, trying to make it go away, but gave up soon. He moved lower. He puckered his lips on the stomach and blew onto it, making a farting sound. It tickled Louise, and she laughed.

"Vatsa,” Mat said, caressing her stomach with his hand. He moved his hand up and cupped her breasts. “Tissit,” he added with a grin. Then he moved his hand lower again, past her stomach between her legs. Louise stopped giggling and let out a moan.

“Again?” she breathed, her voice full of desire.

“Taas!” Mat responded.

Their kisses became longer and more passionate and soon their moans became louder and faster and soon their bodies collapsed to the sides like many times before.

“We should get up,” Louise said breathlessly, her gaze drifting across the room.

“How long have we been naked? Since last night? Did we even eat dinner?” she mused, trying to piece together the past hours. She vaguely remembered eating pasta and… rye bread?

This had been their routine for about a month—meeting at his place every weekend. Rarely did Mat come to Helsinki because Louise stayed in a tiny one-bedroom flat with Marja, while Mat enjoyed a two-bedroom apartment in the center of Kouvola. Louise would pack her overnight bag on Thursday, take it to school with her on Friday, and catch the earliest train to Kouvola Friday afternoon. As soon as she arrived, they would practically tear each other’s clothes off. They talked too, but afterwards.

Mat, still drowsy, rubbed his eyes. “It’s what…seven o’clock?” he teased.

“Half past nine,” she corrected, pointing at the generic-looking black and white clock on the wall opposite the bed. Because the sun had barely made it above the horizon, it seemed early. But Finland was way up north and winter was around the corner. She got up and started looking for her clothes. She found her panties and bra near the bed with the trail leading to the TV, where she found her socks, then her jeans behind the sofa. She looked around for her T-shirt and jumper, only to see them in the distance on the kitchen counter which was closest to the entrance. As she reached for them, she heard a beep from her bag on the highchair next to the kitchen counter.

Louise pulled out her phone, Nokia 3210, a small and sleek light blue phone with grey edges made of sturdy plastic that fit comfortably in the palm of her hand. A long message started displaying on a small monochrome screen. She kept pressing the down button to get to the end of the message.

Talk on the phone today?

Sean. The name alone sent a ripple of guilt through her. She glanced toward the bathroom, where the sound of running water indicated that Mat was showering. Frowning, she hovered her thumb over her phone’s keys, wrestling with her thoughts as she typed and deleted her message several times. Finally, she settled on a response.

Can’t today. Tomorrow? At 6? Your, what, 4?

She set the phone down, rubbing her forehead in frustration. Mat emerged from the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. Little droplets of water inched down his dirty blond hair reaching down to his ears. He looked so effortlessly handsome that Louise instantly felt yet another wave of desire wash over her. She looked away, her thoughts a tangled mess.

“How about we go to the lake house and sauna today?” Mat suggested, his tone casual.

“Ha!” Louise exclaimed suddenly, a triumphant grin spreading across her face. “Sauna! Sauna is sauna, isn’t it? We finally found the same word in English and Finnish.” She said, rolling her eyes playfully

Mat chuckled, shaking his head. “Well, technically, sauna is Finnish. Our only export.”

Louise shrugged, rolling her eyes playfully. “It’s also English...but fine, we’ll find another one,” she teased.

As Mat moved past her to the fridge, she quickly checked her phone.

OK, deal, Sean had written back. She set her phone down on the high chair next to the kitchen counter. The counter itself was cluttered with the remnants of their dinner. A plate with breadcrumbs on it in the sink and some left over pasta on another one proved that Louise had remembered their dinner correctly.

"Eggs?" Mat asked, holding out a carton.

"Sure," Louise replied, still fixed on her phone face down on the counter. As Mat passed by her, he leaned in and planted a soft kiss on her cheek.

Shit, Louise screamed inside her head and smiled.



An hour later, as they drove out of Kouvola toward the lake house, Louise’s mind was a tangled mess. One moment, Sean’s name was on her lips, ready to escape; the next, she swallowed it back down, the thought of it knotting her insides. Mat's name lingered under her fingers, half-typed in a message on her phone, while she wrestled with whether to confront Sean with the truth first.

“What?” Mat’s voice broke her contemplation, a hint of confusion lacing his tone. He didn’t take his eyes off the road but knew something was off.

“Nothing,” she replied quickly, avoiding the conversation. Silence felt safer.

“It’s beautiful,” she added, trying to shift the focus, her eyes drifting over the landscape outside. The scene was indeed serene, almost magical – the road cutting through a seemingly endless sea of spruce trees, the sun low again, barely peeking over the treetops.

“What is?” he asked, sounding genuinely puzzled, as if not being there with Louise, seeing what she saw.

“Well, all the pine forests, the sun coming through with this gorgeous, golden light,” she replied, surprised at his question.

“Mmm…” Mat replied, nodding to reassure her. He stole a quick glance at her. “You make it much more beautiful,” he murmured, his hand finding its way to hers on her thigh.

That was all Louise needed. She closed her eyes, savoring the warmth of his touch and the sun’s gentle caress on her face. In that moment, surrounded by the tranquil beauty of the countryside, the chaos in her mind seemed to quiet down. Being with Mat felt right, felt enough.

After all, Sean wasn’t there.

Mat was.





2





“When I saw you, I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.”





- William Shakespeare





It all began a month earlier on a chilly ferry ride, when Louise found herself shivering until she wrapped herself in a stranger’s scarf. Her teacher friend Marja wanted to show her everything before the freezing cold, snowy, and endless nights enveloped Finland. She suggested the day trip from Helsinki to Stockholm, having no idea of the repercussions it would have on Louise’s life. After a long day of exploring Stockholm, the young women ended up at the bar, enjoying some drinks. She hadn’t seen the stranger who had given her the scarf all day and wondered if she would ever see him again or be able to return the scarf. Then, all of a sudden, the tall, broad-shouldered man with light brown hair and piercing blue eyes stood right in front of her. Matias—no, Mat—had a way of making her feel both flustered and intrigued all at once. With a confident smile, he insisted she keep the scarf, claiming it suited her better. And just like that, Louise felt a spark she hadn’t expected. She had no idea then that this almost Viking-looking man with the coolest but warmest blue eyes, this stranger in a strange land, would become the love of her life and her forever home, leading her to spend her life far away from her native Cork, Ireland.

Louise kept twirling with Mat’s scarf around her fingers while talking to him. During the brief moments she released the scarf, she’d start coiling her straight, spaghetti-like hair, which resisted her attempts and fell back down like a waterfall with each strand. She, Mat, Marja and Juha instantly bonded and became new best friends in a matter of hours. The other two of Mat’s friends barely spoke English and kept their distance, leaving Louise not feeling bad about forgetting their tongue-twisting names. Juha, Mat, and Marja attempted to teach Louise Finnish dirty words and kept bursting into laughter when she struggled with the pronunciation. Around 2am they left the bar and stumbled upon another, nearly empty karaoke bar on the ship, save for two people sitting completely at the back. In a heartbeat, the four men seized the microphone and sang off-key to what Marja claimed was an extremely popular Finnish song, “Milla,” a tune Louise had never heard of.

“You must have heard of it!” Marja insisted, singing along under the makeshift stage, and Louise shook her head, laughing. The two people at the bar left mid song, but that didn’t discourage the men from belting an entire repertoire of extremely popular Finnish songs that never made it across the border. Louise refrained from joining; she didn’t know the songs, and she didn’t speak Finnish. She kept her eyes fixed on Mat the entire time, analysing his face—especially his eyes that reminded her of ice melting in the spring. Like the spring sun, which seems mild due to the lingering coolness but holds a surprising intensity, his eyes appeared cold at first glance, but Louise discovered an incredible warmth and fire within them. Soon, her eyes travelled down to his neck, his shoulders, his hands, his long legs, and as more juice vodkas overwhelmed her body to the space between his legs. Her mind started buzzing with images flashing of them kissing, not only that, but of them naked in bed, making love. She didn’t just like him; she didn’t want him; she felt drawn to him, her whole body burning with desire for him.

When Mat’s friends succumbed to sleepiness and left, Marja, figuring her friend wanted to be alone with Mat, left with the group. The night turned into another unnoticed dark morning, and Mat and Louise remained alone in the empty bar.

“One more song, OK?” Mat suggested, holding the microphone.

“Please, no more. I don’t understand a word of these…hmm…beautiful Finnish songs,” Louise pleaded, holding her hands in prayer.

“You must know this one,” Mat replied, scrunching up his nose. He took a big breath and went on to croon yet another Finnish song, incomprehensible to Louise. She giggled, looking him up and down, trying to make sense of what he sang. When he stopped, she stood up applauding him, saying, “No, I haven’t heard that one either, but it…” She started nodding and curling up her lips. “It’s…simply amazing…” she concluded with sarcasm in her voice.

“It’s about a man falling in love with this lady from up North. She comes to live with him but then dies shortly after. It’s a beautiful song, really,” he said, touching the back of his neck. Then, seeing Louise’s shocked expression, he burst out laughing. “I’m kidding! It’s actually just a silly song about a fisherman and his boat.”

“Wow, you got me there, didn’t you?” Louise responded and started clapping. “Good one!”. He shrugged, smirking. The man working the bar came around and started putting away the speakers. At last, he came over to Mat and took the microphone from his hands without saying anything. Louise and Mat exchanged wide-eyed glances, realizing their night was coming to an end. As they stepped out of the bar, they both erupted in laughter.

"He did not want you to sing another song, Mister," Louise said, still laughing. Mat nodded his head, still cracking up. Their laughter suddenly faded, and they grew serious, gazing at each other as if searching for the soul behind the eyes.

"Well, I guess it's time to head back to the cabins," someone said. The other one nodded and they reluctantly started to make their way back to their cabins.

The ferry had a total of four decks, with a multitude of corridors that all looked the same. Almost unconsciously, Louise found herself accompanying Mat towards his cabin. While they passed by one white cabin door after another, she pondered if she’d find her cabin on her own but didn’t say anything. They’d be silent and then one would ask a mundane question about the other one’s life, pretending to be all casual while emotions simmered beneath. Louise learnt Mat was a lawyer working with his dad and Mat found out Louise was to be a teacher, studying in Cork, on an exchange programme in Helsinki for the next six months. Amidst the exchange of dull details, unspoken desires lingered neither one wanted to expose.

“Ah, 311, that’s me,” Mat almost exclaimed as they reached his cabin. Louise glanced at him, realizing their encounter drew to a close. They lingered in front of the door, their eyes locked in silent communication, each trying to decipher the other’s unspoken intentions.

Finally, Mat took a hesitant step forward and whispered in her ear, “I’d invite you in, but…” He gestured at the noise emanating from within the room. Louise strained to hear the men snoring away, breaking the intimate moment with a touch of reality. But as soon as she looked back into Mat’s eyes, she felt melting again.

Just then, a tall figure in a red checkered shirt approached them.

Sean! Louise screamed inside of her as she mistook the man for Sean, her on-and-off boyfriend from Ireland. A tall, sturdy looking stranger walked past them, whispering ‘hei’ in a gentle voice, completely unbecoming to his physical appearance. She was wrong, but now Sean stood firmly between them, a ghost from her not-past-but-present casting a shadow over the newfound starstruck connection.

“Yes, better not,” Louise replied to Mat’s not-actual invitation.

“Well, I’ll see you at the party next week at Marja’s, right?” Mat asked, and Louise nodded apprehensively. They stood silent once more, their gazes wandering left and right along the long glaring white passageways before inevitably returning to each other’s eyes. Finally, Mat softly leaned in to kiss Louise, and though she longed for that kiss and much more with every fibre of her being, she turned her face the last second, causing his lips to land on her cheek.

She couldn’t.





3





“Desire is the kind of thing that eats you and leaves you starving.”





- Nayyirah Waheed





Between the ferry ride and the party, Louise hadn’t spoken with Sean. She tried his landline, as calls on mobiles were more expensive in 2002. But she almost always called when he would still be at work. Still, he hadn’t returned her calls either, although she even left a message on the answering machine that one time. She tried writing him an email but left it in Drafts.

She tried.

Or at least told herself she did.

The ferry gang reunited at Marja’s one-bedroom flat in Helsinki a week after they had met, completely unaware of the drama unfolding in Louise’s mind. Though she hadn’t been in contact with him, Sean lingered in her head, while this not-so-complete stranger Mat had somehow taken residence in her heart with lightning speed.

Marja’s place felt like a rave party packed with people from wall to wall, although there were only six of them. Colourful string lights adorned the ceiling, casting a warm, ambient glow over the room, creating a cozy, intimate vibe.

They played Twister and a game involving writing names of famous people on their foreheads, trying to guess who they were by asking yes or no questions. The clinking of glasses filled the air as each incorrect answer was met with a round of drinks. As the night progressed, the questions became increasingly absurd as names such as ‘Lady Di’, ‘Will Smith’, ‘Bill Clinton’, and others were smudged on their foreheads.

“Am I famous?” Louise declared at one point, with everyone bursting out laughing. She rolled her eyes. “I mean, of course I’m famous, otherwise I wouldn’t know who I am.” She laughed, raising her hands in the air.

Throughout the evening, Mat and Louise shared intense gazes, feeling momentarily alone, as if in another plain of existence. Another such moment had just passed, and Louise continued with yet another failed attempt at figuring out she was Einstein. She felt certain Shakespeare was written on her forehead and got increasingly puzzled when she wasn’t getting the answers she aimed for.

“I’m English?” she asked for the fourth time. She frowned even more when everyone responded yet again with a resolute no.

“But I must be English,” she whispered, taking another sip of her vodka with orange juice.

As the clock approached four, fatigue set in the six friends, most of them yawning and closing their eyes in between their turn to ask more questions.

Marja, the sobered up one, took charge and announced, “OK, time to go to sleep.”

Everybody yawned and murmured. Knowing the game was ending, Louise walked over to the mirror in the hallway and read the name on her forehead.

“E-I-N-S-T-E-I-N…" she spelled slowly. "But I’m English,” she exclaimed, looking at the group around the table in the kitchen.

“You’re not English!” everyone shouted back in chorus, causing Louise to break out in laughter.

“But I thought I was English,” Louise whispered, returning to the kitchen. Marja stood up and hugged her. “I’m Shakespeare,” Louise murmured under her chin.

“It’s OK, time to go to bed, Lucy,” Marja shushed her. Louise sat back down. Everyone else stood up except for Mat. The two locked eyes with each other, sobering up in an instant, understanding each other without words.

They waited for everyone to go to sleep, politely saying good night several times to everyone. Marja headed to the bedroom, joined by one of Mat’s friends, while another dozed off at the foot of the bed. Louise and Mat remained at the kitchen table as Juha, the last one out of the bathroom, surveyed the room. He took a quick peek inside the bedroom, already full of sleeping bodies and looked around the living room. There was a pulled-out sofa by one wall and another one opposite it. Juha looked at Louise and Mat, then the sofas. He shrugged and lay on the one with just enough room for one person. His feet dangled over the edge, but he didn’t seem to care. As soon as he mouthed “Hyvää yötä,” he started snoring.

Immediately, Mat reached over the table and held Louise’s hand. He gestured her to get up, putting his finger in front of his mouth and making a hush sound. In that moment, Louise thought to herself that her breath probably smelled like roadkill and before getting over to Mat, she put her hand in front of her mouth. She excused herself and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She looked up to reflect on what she was doing. Sean popped back into her head, but she had no idea what to do with the thought. She hadn’t talked to him in a while and didn’t know where they stood. She suddenly stopped herself from rationalizing and overthinking and started brushing her teeth vigorously. When she finally got out of the bathroom, Mat waited on the other side of the door, and they passed each careful not to touch each other. Louise took off her jeans and climbed under the covers on the pulled-out sofa. She still had on her panties, socks, T-shirt, and hoodie. She fidgeted with the string of her hoodie, wrapping it around her finger, letting it go and wrapping it again.

What was she doing?

She didn’t know much about Mat at this point apart from him being a lawyer like his dad who lived in Kouvola which was apparently a city (town?) about an hour away.

“Kuvala? Kovala?” she whispered to herself. She hadn’t heard of it before and at the time had no idea that it would become her home just a few years later. As Louise mumbled to herself, Mat came out of the bathroom and Louise quickly blew in her hand and smelled it.

Minty fresh.

He walked to the other side of the sofa and took off his jeans and his hoody, revealing a light blue T-shirt with a picture of a sandy beach and the ocean with the words ‘Miami Beach’ written on it. He lay down next to Louise. For a couple of minutes, the two of them stared at the ceiling, not saying anything. Juha’s snoring cut through the silence, and they burst out laughing almost simultaneously. Louise put her hand over her mouth to not wake him.

“Shhhh,” Mat whispered, his voice barely audible and turned to face her. Their laughter ceased, and a palpable tension hung in the air once again.

“Will you turn away again?” Mat’s question hung in the air between them, his gaze fixated on Louise’s lips as if they held the key to some forbidden treasure. Without uttering a word, Louise gently shook her head.

Sean left.

That was the thing about boundaries. From a distance, they seemed clear and unwavering. Yet, up close, they blurred and eventually vanished, making it easy to cross them. Besides, how could something wrong feel so right?

Mat leaned in, and their lips met in a fervent embrace. Like ice cream on a hot summer day, Louise melted in his arms. They kissed and explored each other, their touches igniting flames of passion that threatened to consume them both.

Mat acted like a perfect gentleman, his kisses tender and restrained, waiting every time for Louise’s response before proceeding. Louise drew him close, hugging him tightly so he couldn’t break the next kiss. It felt like a delicate dance, a waltz of longing and restraint that left them breathless and yearning for more. A dance Louise had done many times before with Sean, but never like this. Her hand was the first to slide under his T-shirt to touch his back. His followed quickly. It never strayed beyond kissing and caressing, yet the intensity of their connection reverberated through the room, disrupting Juha’s snoring with each passionate moan.

As dawn approached and exhaustion set in, Louise and Mat reluctantly broke away from each other’s embrace. Louise’s lips felt slightly chafed from Mat’s stubble after kissing her nonstop for over two hours. With Juha’s snores fading into the background, Mat suggestively looked down and then back up. It was a gesture they hadn’t shared throughout the night, one that screamed with unspoken desires.

Sean came back.

Louise’s thoughts returned to him, the guilt of infidelity threatening to consume her. Yet, the pull of her longing for Mat prevailed. She thought about little else every minute of every day since they’d parted in Helsinki Harbour five days ago. A part of her screamed yes inside her heart, while another whispered no in her head. She peeked at Juha. Just then, he let out a loud snore that startled both of them. They broke out in laughter again, the sound alleviating the tension in the air. Louise shrugged her shoulders, effectively saying no with her I-don’t-know body language. Mat nodded, smiling and closing his eyes, then resumed kissing her. They continued kissing each other until they eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms, their breathing slowing and mingling with the occasional snore from Juha in the background.

Sean left again. By morning, it was clear that the question was no longer if Mat and Louise would be together. It was only the question of when.





4





"“He loved me but never 'we'.”





- Raquel Franco





Years before the meteor called Mat collided with Louise’s life, back home in Ireland, Sean and Louise crossed paths. Compared with Mat’s, their initial encounter felt much simpler, less intense. They met through mutual friends. Unlike Louise’s later experience with Mat, their connection unfolded gradually rather than with immediate sparks of love at first sight. It was more of a slow burn, progressing from friendship to romance over a series of encounters. They would often rendezvous at parties and friends’ gatherings on the outskirts of Cork, their interactions culminating in late-night make-out sessions. Louise, an introvert, found herself navigating her first serious relationship with Sean, her only prior experiences being a few teenage make-out sessions.

Sean, working in IT, was among the first to embrace mobile technology, eagerly sharing his number with Louise and encouraging her to call him ‘anytime’. However, Louise, accustomed to traditional landline communication in the early 2000s, found the idea of calling someone on their mobile during the day intrusive. Nevertheless, within a year, mobile phones became universal, and their communication shifted entirely to this new medium.

Contrary to her relationship with Mat, where they practically spent all their time together alone, Sean and Louise rarely did, often surrounded by a group of friends. Sean’s acquaintances frequently tagged along everywhere. Then in the early hours of the morning, they would make out and (dry) hump in his red Ford Fiesta. At first, Louise didn’t think much of it, assuming it was the norm for relationships. However, as time passed, she began to crave more intimate and meaningful experiences - private dates, walks, and heartfelt conversations. While she enjoyed the group settings, she longed for personal moments with Sean. But every time she tried to get closer, Sean would pull back, leaving her feeling like she was asking for too much.

Louise: “Maybe we could go to that new place on St. Patrick’s Street.”

Sean: “But Siobhan’s invited us to her place...”

Louise’s text: You could come by. I’ll make us dinner—Mom’s out with friends.

Sean’s reply hours later: Well, we’re playing Trivia at Paul’s...

Louise: “What about a picnic, just the two of us, in the park?”

Sean: “The gang’s already planning a get-together there.”

Louise: “How about a trip to the beach this Saturday?”

Sean: “We’ve already planned a beach day. The whole lot is coming.”

Louise at 3am at a party at Denise’s place: “Well, I better be going home.”

Sean: “I’ll drive you…and we can stop…you know where.”

Back then, the term ‘gaslighting’ wasn’t a word that had any special meaning, but that’s exactly what it felt like. Their relationship turned into a twisted game of tug-of-war – Louise pulling for more, Sean retreating as if her need for closeness was a bit too much for him to handle.

The push-and-pull wore her down until, finally, she made a choice that stunned him: a six-month teaching exchange in Finland. Sean resented the decision. To him, their relationship wasn’t a definite yes, but it wasn’t a no either. More of a not yet, and certainly a strong maybe.





5





"No decision is, in itself, a decision."





- William James





Leaving Mat and Kouvola on Sunday before the dreaded phone call from Sean in the afternoon, Louise got on the train. She looked out the window passing by shimmering lakes, the familiar dense pine forests covered with snow which would almost block out all sunlight, and quaint, colourful wooden houses. The word serenity came to her mind, although her heart felt far from it. Her phone beeped.

Miss you already… Mat wrote with a bunch of X’s and O’s following.

She caught a glimpse of a couple kissing a few rows ahead of her, remembering the endless number of kisses she had received that weekend. She touched her lips.

Me too.

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, imagining Mat in front of her, next to her, on top of her, inside of her… Lost in her thoughts, another beep interrupted her. Although the sound was the same, it felt completely different and prickled her skin before she even read it.

Can’t wait to hear your voice.

She looked up at the ceiling, sighing, holding her phone with both hands in her lap. The ceiling panels were a dull, off-white colour, punctuated by small, evenly spaced circular vents. Each vent had a fine mesh cover, slightly yellowed with age, through which the hum of the train’s ventilation system could be faintly heard. Natural light streamed in through the large windows, casting soft, shifting patterns across the ceiling as the train moved. The light played off the fluorescent fixtures, now dormant, their plastic covers gleaming faintly. She traced the edges of a small access panel with her eyes, imagining the wires and machinery hidden behind it, a hidden complexity much like her own tangled emotions.

Back to reality.

In only three months she’d be going back home to Cork.

Where Mat wasn’t and where Sean was.

Where her life was, her mom was, her college, their friends.

Where this Finnish fairy tale was nothing more than a dream.

Another world, another time.

She and Mat hadn’t talked about the future much. The now was all they were caught up in and it was hard enough for them to see each other only every five days, let alone deal with the fact that Louise lived kilometres away as Mat lived in Kouvola and she in Helsinki. Never touching on the fact that in reality she lived thousands of kilometres away… Sean hadn’t come up in conversation with Louise still only rehearsing her speech in her head. In all truth, Ireland never came up either, or Louise’s life back home. There was so little time whenever they were together and no one else existed apart from the two of them, nothing but the here and now, her and him.

Me too! she replied again, in a completely different tone, biting her lip, wondering how much longer she would enjoy the train ride, hoping it would take hours for the train to reach its destination.



She paced around the kitchen/living room with Marja peeking at her now and then from her room. Eventually, Marja got up and walked past her.

“I think I’m going for a walk,” she said, widening her eyes as she passed Louise on her way out. Before she slipped out the door, Louise grabbed her and hugged her.

“Kiitos!“ Louise whispered in her ear.

Louise peeled her eyes from Marja, letting her leave, and stared back at the beige landline phone waiting for it to ring. It was 5:56, four more minutes. She kept pacing back and forth around it, playing with the string of her hoody. She walked over to the window and caught a glimpse of Marja walking down the street. It was already dark out, but the streetlights and the snow made it quite bright, and Louise thought about the romantic feel it gave off. How she’d prefer to be walking the streets holding hands with Mat right now. Suddenly, she jumped up as if she had been struck by an electric bolt. The phone started ringing. She looked at the clock. 6pm sharp. If there was one thing, Sean was always on time. She let it ring a couple of times and forced a smile on her face before answering it.

“Sean!” she exclaimed. “How’ve you been?” She let go of her hoody string and started wrapping the phone’s cord around her left index finger.

“Lulu, where have you been?” He sounded calm and loving. Louise thought about the last time they spoke. Was it before Mat? Surely not.

But it was.

She had tried to reach him, but he had been busy.

“So, what’s up?”

“How have you been?”

“What’ve you been doing?”

“How’s your mom, dad, the gang…?”

Louise fired one question after another at him to not allow him to ask her any questions. Sean politely answered each one of them and Louise kept saying, “…mhm, mhm, interesting…” without really listening, pacing around the phone and wrapping the cord tighter and tighter around her finger.

“Ouch!” she yelped, finally noticing the phone cord cutting off the blood flow to her finger. She quickly started to unwrap it, wincing as the feeling returned in painful pins and needles.

“You alright?” Sean’s voice was tinged with concern.

“Fine, fine,” Louise muttered, shaking her finger and watching it slowly regain its normal color.

“Look, Sean…” she began, taking a deep breath. “I need to tell you something…” She hesitated, mentally tallying up the times she’d been unfaithful. She quickly realized she’d need more fingers to do the math. “Not easy to say, but… I have to say it…” She needed to be honest with him and herself.

“Lulu, wait… I need to tell you something first…” Sean interrupted, his tone urgent.

“No, Sean, mine’s more important, tru—“ Louise pleaded, desperate to get it out in the open.

“I’m coming to see you!” Sean interjected, his voice brimming with excitement. “To Finland! In December…”

“What?!” Louise gasped, her confession caught in her throat. The news hit her like a freight train, leaving her words stuck somewhere between her brain and her mouth.

“I was going to surprise you,” Sean said, his voice trembling with excitement, “but I couldn’t keep it a secret.” Louise could hear him take a deep inhale on the other end of the line. “Look, Louise, I know we’ve had our ups and downs, but you being away for so long made me realize…”

Louise bit her lip, her heart racing. “What, Sean?” she asked sheepishly.

“Realize you are the one for me!” Sean’s voice seemed earnest. “I miss you terribly. I want to be with you and can’t wait for you to come home in February. But I just couldn’t wait until then to see you…”

Louise’s eyes widened. Perhaps she’d hear better if she opened her eyes really wide.

“So, I bought plane tickets,” Sean continued, his excitement bubbling over. “I’m coming. I’m coming for Christmas. What do you want me to bring? Wait, don’t tell me, it’ll be a surprise…”

Louise’s mind raced, her pulse quickening. She glanced around the small flat, the reality of Sean’s impending visit crashing down on her. “Sean, you didn’t have to do that…”

“I wanted to, Lou,” Sean interrupted, his tone softening. “I needed to. I miss you so much. We can spend Christmas together, make up for all this lost time.”

Louise swallowed hard, trying to keep her voice steady. She collapsed on the floor, wrapping the cord around her finger violently again, her mouth still wide open with no words inside anymore and her head racing. She tuned out while Sean kept on explaining his plans.

Sean here for the holidays.

Mat here as well.

She pictured the two of them meeting each other, her standing in between them, facing one, then turning around and facing the other one. No, she couldn’t do that.

“Sean, Sean, Sean…” she started repeating louder and louder, as if saying his name over and over again would stop him from coming.

“That sounds great, Sean, but where would you stay?” she started rambling. “There’s barely enough room for me here at Marja’s and I’ll be so busy with work… and it’s so cold… It was like minus twenty degrees just the other day…” she said.

It actually wasn’t but Marja had told her that it could get that cold sometimes. “Not to mention dark… We wouldn’t be able to do any sightseeing, really… You know? I mean, I’d love for you to come but February is like… What? Three months away… Phew! That’s like nothing. You know?” Louise said, lying down on the floor staring at the ceiling.

“Lulu…” he spoke in a gentle voice, almost unrecognizable to Louise. “I’m not coming over for sightseeing, silly. Or walking around. I’m coming over to be with you...”

Who was this man and where was he a year ago?

“And I’ll figure it out. I’ll go to a hotel or something. We don’t need to impose on Marja during the holidays.” He sounded eerily calm as if he had everything planned out.

Louise shook her head while murmuring, “mhm,” over and over again. Words eluded her and her ears tuned out again. FaceTime and video calls were over a decade away and all she could rely on to interpret his emotions was his voice, which seemed loving and gentle but becoming distant and fading by the second. In her head, she counted and replayed their interactions over the time she had spent in Finland.

Two… Three… No, four… She remembered a total of five in the last three months. They would start with the usual how’s-the-weather and how-are-you-doing questions and always ended with him complaining about how busy he was. None lasted more than a couple of minutes and there had never been an outpouring of his undying love and affection on his side, never a word about missing her dreadfully. There were also emails. She tried to think of how many emails.

Five as well? Six?

Not many. She and Mat had exchanged over ten emails in the time of one month and they had been seeing each other on the weekends. The first one had been longer, certainly. She remembered it vividly.

…can’t believe you’re spending six bloody months in Finland of all places…

In winter… was the last sentence.

Good on . Hope you have fun… Another deeply hurtful sentence reverberated in the back of her head.

They had talked about marriage before. Not that Sean had proposed, but they had discussed it—more in theory than in reality. And he’d always say, between the lines, ‘not yet…’. Immediately after, he’d go to great lengths to make it clear that he wasn’t against marriage per se. The problem was always just in the now—as in, not now.

They didn’t live together either.

Again, not yet.

Louise remembered the times when Sean didn’t return her calls, only to call her ten times the next day. How he wouldn’t touch or kiss her for over a month, and then be all over her the next. He’d always say it had nothing to do with her; he just needed space. She understood—not necessarily agreed with but accepted. , she hoped it would be the last, that from now on they’d be all right. A proper couple, eventually moving in together and getting married one day. She hoped he wouldn’t need his space anymore and that they would stop playing their little tug-of-war.

Then Finland came out of nowhere in the form of a poster on campus. It was an opportunity for Louise to get away, to be on her own. At the time, she hadn’t heard from Sean for about a week. She didn’t really decide to go; she simply had to. Just as she hadn’t decided to kiss Mat—she simply had to.

“You still there?” she heard him almost shout.

“Erm, yes, still here…” Louise replied quietly, wiping away an almost-tear from her left eye.

“Well, won’t keep you any longer… So, talk soon, Lulu…” he finished and she could see his smile through the cord. As soon as she hung up, she received a text message.

Can’t wait to see you. XOXO

Your Sean

He had never written Your Sean before. Apparently, he had finally chosen to be with her—something Louise had desired with all her heart for over two years.

And all it took was for Louise to fall in love with someone else.



“Hei, hei…All good?“ Marja asked in her cheerful tone as usual as she walked in. Louise quickly got up off the floor, walked over to her, and gave her a big hug.

“You OK, Lucy?” Marja inquired, hearing her friend into her shoulder. Louise broke away from the hug and pointed at the sofa for them to sit down. As soon as she sat down, she grabbed one of the colourful, striped pillows and started rubbing it between her fingers, then patting it, and hugging it closely to her chest.

“So, remember…Sean?” she started.

“The ex-boyfriend?” Marja responded with her index finger in the air. Louise looked like she had been jabbed with a needle when she heard the word.

“Well…Well…Technically, he’s not an EX, ex-boyfriend…” Louise said sheepishly. Marja widened her eyes and leaned towards her.

“But…You’re with Mat. You love Mat, don’t you?” she asked, supporting her chin on her knuckles, and looking Louise straight in her eyes. Louise, on the other hand, couldn’t bear Marja’s eyes looking at her and kept glancing past her.

“It’s ,” she responded, rubbing her eyes with her left palm. “I loved Sean first…” She remembered crying one night looking at her phone ready to die if he didn’t reply to her text.

I love you so much, Sean. I can’t be without you.

Silly, Lulu, I’m here. I’ll call you tomorrow, he eventually replied hours later.

“He’s coming…” she continued in a whisper.

“He’s where—here?” Marja looked around the room.

“Well, no, not necessarily here, but…he’s coming to Finland,” Louise said, pointing both fingers to the ground.

“So, not here?” Marja asked again, feeling confused.

“No, no, not here, to your place… to Finland. Apparently, he misses me…” Louise explained, with tears rising in her eyes. She had longed for him to say something like that for so long. She needed him to say it. And now that he had said it, she didn’t know what to think.

Louise, two years ago, would have asked him to come the next day.

Louise, three months ago, would have loved for him to come.

Louise now was a mess.

“Do you want him to come?” Marja asked, sitting next to Louise, sensing she felt increasingly overwhelmed. Louise didn’t answer, just shrugged, and began sniffling. The tears had managed to break through and silently streamed down her face. Marja looked around her flat.

“Well, I guess you could stay here, you know? I would never leave you two alone, so you wouldn’t even manage to kiss.” She gave Louise a side eye.

“Or I’d leave you alone all the time so you could make out all the time, if that’s what you want.” She made kissing sounds with her mouth.

“Stop it…” Louise cracked a tiny smile through her tears.

“Mat hasn only been here a few times,” she blurted out. “And he’s kind of my boyfriend now. Well, not right now, but certainly here. Both… here and now,” she said, almost firmly, trying to convince herself.

“Sean just doesn’t know that yet,” she mumbled to herself.

“You know why Mat hasn’t been here, Louise,” Marja said, ignoring Louise’s last sentence. “Because he has a huge place all to himself and you like to be alone with him.” She made more kissing sounds.

“True.” Louise laughed, putting her hand over her forehead.

“I haven’t told Mat…” she said, becoming instantly serious again.

“What?” Marja gasped, reacting to what she heard.

Louise agreed. “Yup, haven’t told him about any of it. About Sean, now about him wanting to come to Finland, well, coming to Finland…” She looked to the window. Not much was seen outside. It was dark as usual, with sleet turning into snow.

“And Sean doesn’t know anything?” Marja asked. Louise shook her head.

“Still thinks you’re with him?” Marja continued and Louise nodded gently.

“And Mat doesn’t know anything about Sean?” Marja kept summarising and Louise kept nodding.

“Noniin! What will you do, Lucy?“ Marja asked.

Louise placed both palms over her eyes, shutting out the world.





6





“The course of true love never did run smooth.”





- William Shakespeare





“What are we doing?” Louise’s voice carried a sense of seriousness reserved for the classroom. Mat halted his gentle kisses on her neck, lifting his gaze to meet hers. Louise had arrived at his flat on Friday afternoon as usual. Her long, sleek hair, dyed auburn, accentuated her green eyes, and Mat couldn’t stop admiring them. As he examined them, he noticed darker brown circles around the edges - a subtle detail he hadn’t noticed before, yet another treasure he discovered about her. They lay on the bed as they often did as soon as Louise arrived. The room was modestly furnished, the bed positioned against the far wall, adorned with a simple duvet and a few pillows, reflecting Mat’s no-fuss approach to décor. A worn-out but well-loved armchair sat in the corner, accompanied by a small desk littered with papers and law books. The computer, a relic of early 2000s technology, boasted a bulky tower and a wide monitor in sleep mode with brightly coloured balls bouncing energetically across the screen, leaving trails of light in their wake. Mat had been working before she came.

“What do you mean?” Mat asked, his hand now gently caressing her leg. Louise’s stern voice contrasted with the intimacy of their moment, signalling that this conversation was about to take a serious turn. She hadn’t got through to Sean, but she would with Mat.

“I mean, what are we doing?” Louise repeated, her tone firm. Mat propped himself up on his elbow, meeting her gaze with curiosity and a hint of amusement.

“Noniin, I’m kissing you, trying to get you naked, and then…“ Mat leaned in for another kiss, but Louise evaded him, prompting him to pause. She continued, her expression unwavering.

“Not now, I mean, what are we doing in general, not just right now... but in the future?” Louise’s eyes scanned the room before she continued, her Irish accent becoming more pronounced as she emphasized certain words. “You do know, I’m leaving, going home soon, to Cork, Ireland…” She stressed the ‘r’ in Cork with a theatrical flair, akin to a pirate. “What is this? What are we doing?” She gestured between them with her index finger before crossing her arms in front of her.

“Oh, you mean what are we doing?“ Mat smiled, oblivious to Louise’s growing annoyance. He found her serious teacher voice extremely sexy.

“Well, I don’t want you to leave. Do you want to leave?” Mat asked playfully, his hand still brushing against her leg. Louise brushed it away, her frustration evident.

“Do you love me?” Louise’s question hung in the air, unexpected and raw. She expected silence. Silence would make everything much easier. Instead, without hesitation, Mat responded, “I love you,” his tone as matter-of-fact as if stating the day of the week.

“You love me?” Louise asked, her voice almost high-pitched as she rolled her eyes. Her mind raced back to when Sean had last told her those same words.

“You can’t love me. You don’t even really know me,” she challenged, staring directly into his soul without blinking.

“OK, I don’t love you then,” Mat responded, his eyes wide with confusion. “I really like you, though... OK? Is that what you want to hear, Lou?”

Louise hadn’t anticipated the conversation to play out like that. The lines she had rehearsed in her head didn’t match his responses.

“I mean, of course I don’t want to leave…,” Louise struggled to articulate her feelings. “But I have to, you know?” She sounded more exasperated than a woman in love.

“Then leave. Do what you have to do and come back. I’ll be here…” Mat’s calm demeanour contrasted with Louise’s turmoil as he leaned in to kiss her shoulder. His words stunned her.

“Just like that, huh? And what would I do here? Hang around in your flat waiting for you to get home in my underwear?” Louise’s sarcasm masked her vulnerability.

“Hmm, I like that idea.” Mat groaned, closing his eyes and picturing the scenario. “Perhaps naked would be even better,” he added with a smirk. Louise painfully-not-playfully punched him on the shoulder. He mouthed ‘ouch’ still smiling.

“Stop it, you know what I mean. I don’t have anything here. No job, no friends, nothing.” She threw her hands up in frustration. By then she got up off the bed and paced left and right in front of him. Mat opened his eyes, his expression softening as he listened intently.

“I have friends back home, my mom, I still have to finish uni, there’s…” Louise bit her cheek, stopping herself from mentioning Sean.

“Well, I’m here…” Mat’s quiet assurance conveyed his unwavering support as he gazed at her, noticing the newly discovered hazel-coloured rings around her iris. He interlocked his hands behind his head, exposing his naked chest. Louise looked up, tears welling in her eyes. How could something so complicated be so simple for him?

“It’s so easy for you…” Louise’s voice faltered, her emotions raw.

“Nothing would change for you. You’ve got your whole life worked out. Your partnership with dad, your family, your friends, your Irish girlfriend…” She gestured towards herself.

By then Louise had started to cry and as she did, Mat’s heart broke with the sight of her pain. Without hesitation, he moved closer, gently brushing away her tears, kissing her subtly on her cheeks, her nose, her eyes.

“Lou, I’m here,” he whispered. “We’ll work it out.” His voice was filled with tenderness and reassurance. In that moment, Louise heard him, allowing herself to feel the depth of his love and pushing her doubts to the periphery of her mind. They weren’t going anywhere that night, but in that moment there was nowhere else she wanted to be. He reached out his hand and gently pulled her back to bed.



Three weeks before Christmas meant three more weeks for Louise to continue living two separate lives which were about to collide.

She had tried unsuccessfully to break it to Mat that her (ex) boyfriend was coming for Christmas Sean about her new Finnish boyfriend, so the two remained unaware of each other.

One Monday evening, she and Marja sat in the kitchen and Louise spoke up.

“I’m meeting his parents on Saturday,” she announced quietly, looking through the window, noticing the snow falling down in chunks.

“Whose parents?” Marja asked, confusion evident on her face as she scrunched her forehead. As realization dawned, her eyes widened, and her mouth fell open in surprise. “Oh, my God, you’re meeting Mat’s parents?” she exclaimed. Louise bobbed her head, her expression distant.

“We’re going to plan the Christmas dinner at their house,” she said softly, covering her eyes again so as to make it less real. Closing her eyes didn’t do much as the mental image inside of her brain persisted. The Christmas dinner scene right in front of her, like a dance in dim light with Sean standing awkwardly in the background.

“Mitä!?“ Marja practically shrieked, her shock palpable.

“But you’re not spending the holidays with Mat if Sean is coming? Won’t he be here just before Christmas?” Marja shook her head in denial, worried for her friend.

“You still haven’t told Mat about Sean?” she continued to press Louise for answers. Louise, unable to confront the truth, simply stuffed a large chunk of fruit cake in her mouth, making her unable to speak.

“I tried, Marja,” she mumbled. “I really tried…,” , shaking her head.



If Louise were a fish, she wouldn’t be a her response. She wouldn’t swim upstream. Instead, she would prefer to go with the flow, letting the river carry her over rapids that could potentially be dangerous, or leaving her in slack water for weeks and months, making it seem like an eternity.

She hadn’t always been like this. As a little girl, she had tried to dream, to make a splash here and there, only to have them quashed by her mother’s disapproval.

“Ballet is for tiny, skinny girls, Louise, and you are neither,” her mother had decreed when Louise expressed interest in it. Even before puberty, Louise’s body didn’t conform to society’s standards; her hips slightly wider than her shoulders, making ballet an unattainable dream. She had a best friend, Ana, who also wanted to do ballet. Ana, however, was the ideal ballet figure—straight and slender from head to toe. Her shoulders were the same width as her hips, and everyone could see th body would stay that way, with no curves in sight. That wasn’t true of Louise. Her hips had already begun their expansion before her breasts even started to grow, only to widen further with the hormone surge in puberty. No, ballet, according to her mother, was definitely out of reach for Louise.

And it wasn’t just ballet. Every attempt Louise made to assert her individuality was met with her mother’s criticism and rejection. Whenever they went clothes shopping, whatever Louise liked, her mother hated.

“Not your colour.”

“Doesn’t look good on you.”

“Makes you paler than a wall.”

“Makes you look really fat.”

“Just no.”

Then, when she considered studying psychology, her mother shot down the idea without hesitation.

“For God’s sake, Louise, know your strengths and weaknesses,” was her mother’s response. “I think English is much more your cup of tea, dear. Now that I can see you actually graduating, psychology never. No, definitely not for you.”

By then, Louise knew better than to fight back. As she reached adulthood, confrontation in any situation became the furthest thing from her mind. Even at work, she found herself apologizing excessively for trivial matters, starting every random sentence with an “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, sorry, where’s the photocopier?” she’d ask on her first day, despite clearly needing its location.

“Sorry, I left the printouts next to the photocopier.” She’d apologize, though the printouts were on the desk.

“I’m sorry,” she’d murmur when leaving the ladies’ room whenever someone waited outside the door, as if she had less right to use the toilet than someone else.

The complex love triangle she found herself in resembled the geometry problems she had struggled with throughout high school, and she lacked the skills to solve it. Despite her upbringing and her difficulty in expressing herself in challenging situations, she had attempted to tell Sean not to come during a phone call two days before her visit to Kouvola that weekend. But Sean had already bought the plane tickets, rambling on and on like a kid before Christmas about how excited he was to visit Finland and see her again.

Meanwhile, Mat couldn’t hide his enthusiasm about introducing Louise to his family that Saturday. Overwhelmed, Louise simply shut down, going with the flow as she always did. The bifurcation point remained in the future, ignored by her.

It felt both too soon and too late to do anything about it. And Louise did nothing.





By the time dinner started at Mat’s parents’ house on that fateful Saturday evening, everything seemed surreal to Louise. The constant darkness outside added to the eerie, almost ethereal feeling that reality no longer existed. There she was, in the house of strangers whose names she couldn’t properly pronounce, let alone spell, discussing their Christmas dinner plans as if it were their umpteenth Christmas together. Every other sentence was spoken in Finnish, and Louise felt as if she had left her body and observed the scene from a distance. Mat would touch her lovingly now and then, and she’d smile, even though it felt like she sat in another room on the other side of the house.

After they had planned the menu for Christmas dinner in detail and Mat’s mother had carefully explained all the Finnish dishes that would be served, she asked a strange question.

“Is this serious, Louise?” Mat rolled his eyes at the question, but his mother continued.

“You and Matias?” She looked at them both, pointing her index finger at them.

Before Louise could return from her mental detachment and respond, her future mother-in-law continued.

“We haven’t met,” she emphasized the word “met,” “if you know what I mean... a lot of Matias’ girlfriends over the years, but there have been quite a few... I think. None that he would bring home for dinner; just sneak in late at night and make them leave early in the morning. Right, Matti?” She glanced at him mischievously.

Finally, Louise managed to refocus on the dinner party and replayed the words in her head.

...sneaking in late at night and making them leave early in the morning... quite a few...

That didn’t sound like the Mat she knew.

Did she really know him at all?

Most of the time they had spent together was in his bed. He hadn’t taken her out much. She hadn’t met any of his friends apart from Juha and the other two she had encountered on the ferry’s first night. Sure, she didn’t arrive late at night or leave early in the morning, but since he lived alone, there was no need for her to sneak in or out. Suddenly, a slight sense of relief washed over her. She wasn’t the only one with a secret—Mat had his secrets too, apparently. Perhaps this was just another casual fling for Mat. He did emphasize enjoying the moment.

Then she felt foolish.

And I almost told him about Sean, she thought to herself. His mom talked on and on, but Louise had tuned her out.

She had even considered moving to Finland for him.

So foolish.

“I can’t imagine leaving everything behind and living abroad,” she recalled Mat saying the other day. Meanwhile, Sean was on his way to see her.

All the way to Finland.

Cold, dark Finland.

For just one week.

Two months before she went home.

It took her a while to notice that the family had switched to Finnish, talking amongst themselves. The conversation got louder and louder when Mat almost shouted, “Enough! Can’t we just enjoy our dinner?”

Mat’s dad clearly agreed by raising his glass of beer and saying, “Kippis!“ They all raised their glasses, and soon enough, Mat’s mother returned to the topic of the main event – the Christmas dinner next week. One that Louise was now certain she wouldn’t attend.



The drive back to Mat’s place passed in unusual silence, Louise lost in her thoughts, each moment another missed opportunity to speak up.

To avoid asking inappropriate questions.

To concoct the most illogical explanations in her head.

To silence her heart.

Upon their return, they undressed without a word. Louise once again allowed her body to take over, opening up to him completely, with all the love her mind withheld.

The next morning, Louise awoke long before Mat. Her mind raced with plans. While he slept blissfully unaware, she packed her belongings with the determination of someone never intending to return, even though all she wanted was to stay.

As soon as he opened his eyes, she told him she’d take the 10am train instead of the 5pm to Helsinki.

“Sorry, just have so much to get done before the holidays,” she said, her voice almost pleading.

Despite Mat’s attempts to coax her back into bed with kisses and embraces, Louise remained resolute, sitting on the edge of the bed. With an entire holiday week soon ahead of them, Mat eventually agreed, completely unaware of the doubts festering in Louise’s mind.

“Sure, Lou, see you soon,” he whispered before burrowing back under the covers on this lazy Sunday morning. Louise nodded, unsure if this was the last time she’d see him, her mind a jumbled puzzle with pieces that didn’t fit together.

How easily the words I love you rolled off his tongue. Her mind buzzed with conflicting thoughts, drowning out the faint whispers of her heart.

Her mind won.

It was easier, more convenient.

She could return to Sean, back to her life in Cork, and leave this Finnish dreamlike affair behind her. Each repetition of this narrative solidified a truth she could no longer deny.

As she closed the door behind her, she said, “Can’t wait for Christmas dinner next week,” knowing she wouldn’t be there.





7





“As for me, I had a lot to say. But I was silent.”





- Albert Camus





She held back tears until she boarded the train to Helsinki. Once she had found her seat, she broke down. Luckily, the train car on that particular Sunday morning was almost empty, and she allowed herself uncharacteristically to have a breakdown in public. She managed to regain her composure before the conductor approached. She took out her train ticket, valid until the end of 2002, and immediately started crying again. When the short, sturdy man with a moustache in the grey uniform came closer, she kept repeating that she would never use this ticket again as if there was something wrong with it. The man tried to comfort her in broken English, thinking she was worried the ticket was invalid.

“No, lady, ticket to use until end of year. See?” he pointed at December 31st, written on the ticket. He had a thick Finnish accent that sounded like cutting every syllable in the word. Inconsolable, Louise kept shaking her head and after a while the conductor stopped trying to comfort, simply shrugging his shoulders, and continued on his way to attend to other passengers. In that moment, Louise knew.

The river had turned and diverged from the one she had shared with Mat.

Mat, on the other hand, remained oblivious of their unspoken break up, looking forward to the first of many Christmases together with the woman he loved with all his heart.



From Monday to Tuesday, their communication dwindled to mere text messages, brief phone calls, and sporadic exchanges. However, their usual evening chat on MSN Messenger didn’t happen, leaving an unspoken tension hanging in the air.

I’m ill, the text flashed on Mat’s screen on Wednesday, quickly followed by I don’t think I’ll make it to dinner with the family. He rang immediately, but Louise didn’t answer. A string of texts followed sporadically throughout the day.

Sorry, fell asleep.

Sorry, very high fever.

Sorry, feeling really sick.

They didn’t talk on Wednesday, then not on Thursday, not even on Friday...

Sorry, haven’t charged my phone.

Sorry, didn’t hear the phone ring.

Sorry, will call back.

Sorry, terrible headache.

The sorry’s just kept rolling out as Louise typed them with a familiar ease. However, Louise felt a pang of guilt pierce her chest, like a tiny needle stabbing her in the heart. She kept replaying Mat’s mother’s words at dinner.

…sneak in late at night…

...make them leave early in the morning…

…quite a few…

Before Mat could , she ended things. It was easier this way—for her, for him, and especially for Sean - her actual boyfriend.



The weekend arrived, bringing Sean’s arrival.

“Lulu!” Sean exclaimed upon seeing her, his eyes lighting up with excitement. Louise greeted him with a light kiss on the cheek, carefully avoiding his lips. Sean didn’t think much of it—Louise was never one for public displays of affection, and Marja standing right there next to them.

They settled into Marja’s flat, where Marja graciously offered her hospitality. Louise declined the offer of the double bed, opting instead to convert the living room sofa into a makeshift bed for her and Sean, knowing the lack of privacy would serve her purpose.

As she turned the sofa into the bed that evening, memories of intimate moments with Mat flooded her mind. She closed her eyes, briefly succumbing to the bittersweet nostalgia before refocusing on the present.

Throughout the night, she lay awake, listening to Sean’s rhythmic breathing, her mind consumed by thoughts of Mat and the path not taken.



Before Sean woke up on Saturday, Louise and Marja were already in the kitchen, flipping pancakes with practiced ease. The sweet aroma of buttery batter filled the air, mingling with the soft morning light that filtered through the curtains.

“Oh, bloody hell, pancakes,” Sean grumbled, shambling into the kitchen in nothing but a red T-shirt and blue boxer shorts. He made a beeline for the counter, swiping a piece from the plate. Louise shot him a look like he had been shoplifting.

“We definitely ne-” Sean started, but Louise cut him off.

“Vanilla ice cream.” She rolled her eyes as she said it.

“What?” Marja asked, frowning her forehead. “Is that an Irish thing?”

Sean and Louise smiled.

“No, not an Irish thing, it’s just that this bloke really likes vanilla ice cream and into everything,” Louise explained, gently jabbing Sean in the ribs. He responded by wrapping an arm around her shoulders and planting a kiss on her cheek.

“It’s brilliant, Marja, you’ve got to give it a go,” Sean insisted, nodding emphatically, and shooting her a persuasive glance.

Marja hesitated. “I don’t know,” she mumbled, “it’s early for ice cream, isn’t it?” She glanced over at the clock on the wall. It was just past nine in the morning.

“What?!” Sean exclaimed, almost in shock. “It’s never too early for ice cream.” Amidst their banter, Louise broke free of Sean’s embrace and strolled over to the freezer.

“Well, we don’t have any vanilla ice cream anyway, so…” she trailed off, shrugging, while she scoured the freezer shelves. As she turned her head out of the freezer, she paused. As Sean launched into a detailed explanation of his signature dish — pancakes topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sprinkles—Louise sensed a wave of relief wash over her.

Perhaps this was best for everyone.

“I’ll be right back,” she announced a second later, excusing herself and heading for the bathroom in her brown night dress with a teddy bear on it and the word ‘SLEEP’ in bold pink capital letters. The sound of Marja and Sean’s conversation followed her, a comforting backdrop to her restless thoughts. Just as she turned the , headed for the bathroom, a sharp pang of anxiety seized her.

The doorbell rang.

“Sean, get the door, it must be the neighbour,” she heard Marja say.

Louise edged closer, her steps slow, her pulse quickening with each passing second. She could see Marja at the stove flipping another pancake and Sean making his way to the front door. She knew from the returned stabbing pain in her heart, it wasn’t the neighbour. As Sean swung open the door, behind his broad shoulders a familiar, even taller figure stood across from Sean.

Mat, she screamed inside her head.





8





"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."





- Oscar Wilde





Mat and Louise’s eyes met over Sean’s shoulder. Clearly, Mat struggled to maintain composure, his eyes darting between Sean in front of him, Louise behind him, Sean again, then Marja. The latter had just come into the hallway with a spatula in her hand and a look on her face as if she had just drunk a cup of spoilt milk. She lingered for a moment, her eyes betraying a mixture of confusion and concern. As soon as she figured out the situation, she hurried back to the kitchen, where the scent of burning pancakes hung heavy in the air.

A heavy silence enveloped the flat, stretching out like an eternity in the brief span of seconds. Sean turned to Louise with an open mouth and a confused look in his eyes. Louise didn’t meet his gaze but continued to stare at Mat, her heart pounding in her chest as she noticed the shopping bag dangling from his left hand and a vibrant sunflower clasped in his right.

Sunflowers.

She loved sunflowers.





9





"Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favourite."





- Unknown





More than a month earlier, the drama had only begun. The love triangle started to form and the secrets began to pile on. After their dawn of gentle passion, Mat stood at the same door, kissing Louise goodbye as the boys left Marja’s party.

“Talk to you soon,” he murmured, and Louise nodded in response, clearly head over heels for this tall, handsome stranger.

Hours later, as she and Marja cleaned up the flat in silence, Louise still felt the faint irritation of Mat’s light brown, almost blond stubble on her skin. It wasn’t the stubble, though, that bothered her, it was guilt.

The infidelity.

The betrayal.

She hadn’t actually slept with Mat—he didn’t touch her below the waist, they kept their knickers on, he didn’t enter her,... She wanted him, though.

She told herself it better, more forgivable.

Did it though?

The guilt followed her around Marja’s flat like a relentless mosquito that just wouldn’t buzz off, nagging at her while she put away the paper plates, the plastic cups, wiped the table, and cleaned the floors. Cheating wasn’t something she’d ever imagined doing. The moral boundaries that once seemed so clear were clouded, leaving her relationship with Sean feeling increasingly distant and surreal.

That evening, with a heavy heart, Louise logged onto her computer, determined to confront the tangled web of her emotions. She resolved to write to Mat first, then Sean, intending to lay it all out and be honest with everyone involved. After all, it was love that pulsed through her veins, driving her every thought and action.

To her surprise, she found ail in her Hotmail inbox. Mat’s words leaped off the screen, a mixture of vulnerability and longing palpable in every line.

Hei, Lou,

Noniin… I’ll just say it… Can’t stop thinking of you, you’re constantly on my mind... Not really good at this sort of romantic stuff, so I’ll just come out and say it… Will you come to Kouvola this weekend? I’ll give you a tour of my hometown, show you the sights…? It’s nothing like Helsinki or Lapland or Tampere, but it’s the place I call home…

Now, don’t get me wrong, I really like Marja, and Juha and the gang, and I know it’s soon and we don’t really know each other, but I was thinking… it could be just the two of us? There are trains running to Helsinki practically every hour, so if you get sick of me, you could always ditch me and go back. What do you say?

Moi, moi,

Mat

P.S. Do you like sunflowers?





10





"Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes."





- Friedrich Nietzsche





Back in the present, Louise stood frozen like a statue, still at a loss for words. Before she could speak up, Mat handed the bag to Sean. He stormed off, disappearing down the stairs. Sean remained standing in front of the door, awkwardly cradling a grocery bag, staring at Louise in search of answers. She, with her eyes fixed on Mat, bolted past Sean in her teddy bear nightdress, grabbing a bright red festive Christmas jumper from the chair. The drama unfolding in silence fit the quiet, cold morning outside.

When she caught up with him, Mat stopped next to his car, about to get in. Behind him the sunflower lay on the asphalt in the middle of the road, waiting for either a car to run it over or to get covered in snow, whichever came first.

Louise picked up the sunflower from the road and ran across the street towards Mat just as he grabbed the car door.

“Mat, wait, wait!” she called after him. He didn’t turn around but didn’t get in the car either.

“Mat,” her voice turned to a plea. “Wait, please...”

“I’m sorry…” she said quietly, searching for words, for explanations out of reach.

“Look, I…” her mind raced, thinking of ways to explain everything, something, anything. How could she explain something she didn’t understand herself?

When Mat finally turned around, he inspected her from head to toe with a blank expression.

“Guess you’re not dying…” he said, shaking his head in disbelief, looking up at the dawning grey sky with the occasional snowflake falling.

“Listen, I…” Louise tried to start again, but the words weren’t there. Each attempt to speak met an even greater sense of inadequacy. Mat kept shaking his head, visibly unnerved. He waited for her to speak, but she kept silent, her eyes fixed on the ground.

“Well, I’m glad you’re OK, Lou… I was really worried,” he finally said, his voice slightly melting at the end.

The knife stabbing Louise’s heart had turned into a sword, and the pain made her gasp softly. She made no sense of of her actions and no words came to her to explain them. Her grip tightened on the sunflower, her hand shivering from the cold, although she couldn’t actually feel it. Every part of her craved for him to hold her. She almost expected an invitation, for him to tell her to get in his car and leave it all behind.

But.

The invitation didn’t come.

“You better get inside before you actually get sick, Lou…” he said, noticing the fireplace on Louise’s Christmas jumper. The bottom part of the word “SLEEP” in pink peeked underneath.

“You have a great Christmas… With him…” he continued, looking up at the window on the third floor behind Louise. Her body winced when she heard him, still unable to speak. As if paralyzed, she watched him get in the car and drive off. Just before he veered out of the parking lot, Louise’s frozen fingers lost grip of the sunflower, making it fall on the ground. The back left tyre ran over it, squashing it to a pulp. Louise watched the car speed off and the yellow bloom massacred on the road. She whispered quietly under her chin, “Please, don’t go, Mat. I love you…”

Like a bolt of lightning, the chill finally penetrated her body and brought her back to reality. She trailed back upstairs, thinking of how she would explain any of this to Sean.



As soon as she entered the flat, she heard Marja talking, “Louise, you’re back. Great. I was just telling Sean about our co-worker—Mat.” She gestured at the door when saying his name, “who invited us to his party, but we lied we were sick, so we didn’t have to go.” Marja nodded her head as if to convince Louise of the stupid made-up story.

“Who knew he’d show up at our door with a bag of cold medicine, huh?” she continued, taking out throat lozenges, Wicks, and a selection of teas out of the bag Mat brought. She left it on the table next to the freshly baked pancakes. Louise walked over to the bag, then glanced over at Sean.

“Lulu, you sneaky liar, you. Remember when you pretended you were sick to get out of that oral exam at uni? When the professor gave you one more week?” Sean said, walking over to Louise hugging her around her shoulders.

“But this is just mean to the poor guy. Why would you do that?” he asked playfully, nudging her in the stomach before helping himself to a pancake.

Louise awkwardly smiled, shielding her stomach with her hands in an attempt to let her body speak instead of her. She had left her voice out in the street minutes before, but at the same time a lifetime ago. She looked over at Marja and her eyes spoke instead of her mouth. Marja, the good friend she was, continued talking.

“Oh, Sean, he was just terrible, wouldn’t let it go, kept asking us to come over, and we just didn’t know what to tell him,” Marja explained. She didn’t wait for his reaction but quickly walked over to the refrigerator, taking out some strawberry marmalade. Sean walked over to the kitchen as well, taking some glasses, listening to Marja who barely paused for breath.

For a moment, Louise stood alone over the bag with the teas. She gently opened it as if afraid of its contents and spotted a white card at the bottom of it. Quickly, she grabbed it, hid it under her jumper, and ran to the bathroom. There, she carefully opened the card. It had a teacup drawn on it with steam rising from it.

It read: Pikaista paranemista, rakkaani. Get well soon, my love.

Louise pressed the card to her chest, hoping it would somehow soothe the sharp ache that gripped her heart. It didn’t.

After what felt like an eternity, she tucked the card back into its envelope and buried it at the bottom of the cabinet under the sink. She turned on the tap, letting the water heat up until it was almost scalding, as if she could melt away her guilt and pain with the steam. Taking a steadying breath, she composed herself and walked back into the living room.

Marja gave her a brief, questioning look but quickly turned her attention back to Sean, who was all in her endless monologue, which had shifted from the-not-co-worker-Mat to pancakes, ice cream, and marmalade. Louise watched, incredulous, as Marja spoke and spoke, wondering how anyone could be so animated over such mundane topics. But Marja made it seem effortless.

Sean greeted Louise with a warm chuckle and an arm around her shoulders. “You always were a bit mischievous, Lulu,” he said, wagging his index finger in her face.

Louise crossed her arms, trying to create some much needed physical and emotional distance. She managed a faint smile, but her thoughts were in the bathroom, under the sink, lost in Mat’s words.

My love.

You have a great Christmas with him.

“I think I’m going to take a shower,” Louise said softly, her voice almost lost in the din of the conversation. She needed to wash away the guilt and pain that stuck to her like a second skin.

“Of course, sweetie,” Sean said, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. “Are you OK? You look a bit pale.”

“Yes, probably just a slight cold,” Louise replied, brushing his hand away gently.

“Ha, they call that karma, don’t th—?” Sean’s condescending voice faded as Louise retreated to the bathroom, tuning out his words. She locked the door behind her and turned on the shower, the sound of running water a poor substitute for the emotional cleanse she so desperately needed. Instead of stepping under the stream, she sank down against the door, staring at Mat’s card with a sinking feeling of defeat.

She had ruined everything.



After an-hour-long shower, Louise, Marja and Sean spent the day exploring Helsinki, Marja being the ever-so-polite guide. She gave the most thorough tour of the city, explaining everything and anything. Sean kept asking questions and Marja kept replying one by one. It helped Louise stay in her own world like a zombie, walking slightly behind them the entire time. Sean would notice it every now and wrap his arm around her in an attempt to bring her back in between them. But, without fail, Louise would wander off back to her thoughts and Sean and Marja would get preoccupied with the beautifully decorated Christmassy Helsinki, which demanded all of their attention anyway. Louise hadn’t noticed the gorgeous city, the lights, the Christmas tree in the square, but only focused on the relentless grey sky and grappled with the weight of Mat’s declared feelings and her own unspoken emotions.

As soon as Sean dozed off on the sofa that evening, Louise grabbed her phone and started typing. She pressed the number 6 once, 2 once, then 8 once to spell Mat. She could type it without looking at her phone, but this time she used both her hands, not looking away from the screen. She needed it to be perfect. She kept pressing the numbers on her phone, 4 three times, 6 twice, 0 once, and so on until it spelled I’m sorry. She sighed before typing I love you too!, ending it with an exclamation mark. But as she saw it on the screen, she knew she couldn’t send it. She had lied to him, ditched him before the family dinner they had planned, hadn’t mentioned Sean, hadn’t told him about Sean coming over. She owed Mat a face-to-face explanation, a chance to apologize. She deleted the I love you too part and added, Can we please meet instead. Tucking her phone away, she glanced over at Sean, deep in sleep. She knew she needed to talk to him as well.

But at the same time, she knew she couldn’t.





11





“The only battle in life is between hanging on and letting go.”





– Shannon L. Alder





“Hi!” Louise greeted with the same cheer she had when Mat first gave her the first sunflower in Kouvola. The memory replayed vividly in her mind: Mat, standing under the blue sign that read Matkakeskus at the snow-covered train station, handing her the yellow flower. “It reminds me of you,” he had said, “So warm, beautiful, bright. Do you say bright? Auringonnousu. Like the sunrise, you know?“ He had shrugged, and she had taken the sunflower, moved by the gesture, and fallen into his arms.

Now, as she faced him again, Mat looked just as attractive, his light blue jumper making his blue eyes almost turquoise. For a moment, she felt a strong urge to kiss him but bit her lip, chastising herself for the thought. They had exchanged formal messages before agreeing to meet on the 27th – another secret kept from Sean, another lie to maintain. Louise had said she needed to go to school to hand in some paperwork before the New Year, and Sean had seemed content with that.

“Hei,” Mat said seriously, his expression neutral as he waited for her.

Louise tucked her hair behind her ears, struggling to steady her nerves. Her mind went blank, despite having rehearsed what she wanted to say for days. They sat down at a small table in a busy café.

“OK,” she began quietly, avoiding his gaze while he looked intently at her. “Well, I messed up, didn’t I?” She began tracing the retro chic pattern of the table with her finger.

“I’m sorry. I just… didn’t know how to tell you in the first place,” she continued, her voice almost a whisper. The pattern on the table swirled in purple, blue, and green tones.

“…so I just didn’t,” she added, focusing on the table’s intricate design.

“Didn’t know how to tell you that I had a boyfriend at home,” she said, her voice faltering.

“It’s not serious, but apparently, he’s just now figured out I am the one while I was away and decided to come visit…“ She paused, glancing at a couple nearby, holding hands and smiling.

“And I…” She cleared her throat. “I feel like I owe him another chance because I’ve been with him for years…”

She met Mat’s eyes briefly before looking away again. They didn’t give anything away. Frozen like ice in the dead of winter.

“And I’m leaving in less than two months, so…” She shrugged. Her thoughts, which had made sense in her head, now seemed disjointed.

“Besides, your mom made it clear that you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, so I did—“

“Wait, what?” Mat interrupted, his confusion evident. “What are you talking about?”

Louise finally looked up, her heart melting at the sight of his eyes and lips. Memories of their kisses made her blush. She bit her lip again.

“Well, the other night she mentioned a lot of ex-girlfriends sneaking in late at night and leaving early in the morning. Doesn’t sound like you’re looking to settle down, does it? And we talked about living in the moment, not worrying about the future, where I’m thousands of kilometres away in a few months.” She took a sip of water, nearly emptying the glass in one go.

“You also made it clear that you could never come live in Ireland—“ she began, but Mat cut her off.

“Oh, great, I’m the one who doesn’t want a serious relationship?” he scoffed. “Meanwhile, you have another boyfriend and lie about being sick so you wouldn’t have to come to Christmas dinner with me. At my parents’ house. Can’t think of anything more serious than inviting you to spend Christmas with my family,” he said sternly.

His words clashed with Louise’s internal image of being just a passing fling for Mat.

“I’m so sorry…I missed Christmas dinner; your mom must be angry with me… Well, you must be angry with me.” Louise’s face was a picture of guilt as she stirred her latte frantically, as if trying to take away her remorse. She took a gulp, wincing as the scalding coffee nearly burned her lips. Another example of karma, Sean would say.

“Did you mean it?” Louise asked, after a moment of uneasy silence.

“Mean what?” Mat looked perplexed.

“You wrote my love on the get-well card…“ Louise almost whispered.

“What do you mean ‘did I mean it,’ Lou?” Mat asked incredulously. He frowned, trying to make sense of her words.

“Of course, I meant it. I love you. What do you think I’m doing? I love you, I want to be with you, I want, well, wanted, to spend the holidays with you…” Mat’s voice trailed off, his confusion apparent. He ran his fingers through his hair, taking a deep breath. Louise felt a weight on her chest, all the words unsaid, unspoken, and the ones said but misunderstood.

“Well, I love you too,” she whispered, “and want to be with you…” Mat reached across the table, took her hand, and tried to kiss it, but she pulled it back.

It wasn’t just Sean.

“Well… If that’s the case, come and live with me in Ireland then,” she said in her teacher’s voice. “Your English is practically fluent, and people need lawyers in Ireland as well,” she made her case, crossing her arms in front of her.

Mat, visibly nervous, took a deep sigh.

“Lou, you know I can’t do that… I can’t leave my dad, our law firm, the family business, I can’t…” he said with a touch of sadness in his voice.

“But I should do exactly that? And I know, what, five words in Finnish? Just leave everything behind, my mom, my li-” Louise raised her voice.

“The red-haired matsuri is probably the one you can’t leave behind,“ Mat cut in.

“Mat-what?” Louise gasped.

“You know…the one who cuts down trees in a forest,” Mat explained. Apparently, Sean looked like a logger to him. Louise rolled her eyes.

“Oh, my God! I’m not with Sean, Mat. I promise, I’m not.” It was true; in her heart, she wasn’t with Sean. It was just that Sean didn’t know it.

“Regardless, I’m still leaving in six weeks,” she declared.

“You don’t have to…” Mat murmured. He reached across the table and held her hand. She didn’t pull it away. They sat in silence for a while, eyes locked.

After some time, they repeated the entire conversation almost word for word.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

Their verbal ping-pong continued, bouncing the same sentiments back and forth, only to land in a recurring deadlock.

Louise was going home.

Mat didn’t want her to leave.

Mat couldn’t leave Finland.

Sean.

Sean.

Sean.

Silence.

Finally, Louise broke the silence with a note of resignation. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.” She sounded defeated. Mat nodded as if in surrender.

As they left the café, Louise walked Mat over to his car. She didn’t want to leave him, but knew she had to. Just before he could get in, she stood on her toes, pulling him down and started kissing him fervently. Words couldn’t fix this.

Perhaps kisses could?

Instead of leaning in, Mat gently pulled away.

Nothing could fix this.

“What are we doing, Mat?” Louise’s voice trembled, fearing his response.

“The real question is, what are you doing, Lou?“ Mat softly caressed her cheek. Louise closed her eyes for a moment, anticipating he would kiss her. Instead, he stepped back.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Louise confessed, with tears in her eyes.

“Well, then, figure it out…” He kissed her on the forehead. “I’m here...” With that, he got in the car and drove away.





12





“To love is to burn, to be on fire.”





- Jane Austen





Since arriving in Finland, Sean had transformed into the supportive boyfriend Louise had always longed for. Each morning, he’d serve her favourite cereal and bring her coffee to bed. He behaved in a way she hadn’t known him before.

After her ‘going to school’ but actually meeting with Mat, Sean remained strangely silent. He hadn’t said a word either about Louise storming out after a man bearing flowers and gifts that morning. Not that he’d really had the chance. With Marja’s help, Louise went out of her way to avoid any serious conversations with Sean. For one, she made sure the two were never alone. Marja was always there, practically standing between them if the situation required it. They were out exploring Helsinki, bobbing their heads late into the early morning hours to dance tracks in loud discos where they couldn’t hear each other properly, let alone have a meaningful talk with each other. When it was time to go to sleep, Sean ever so gently touched Louise or tried to kiss her, but Louise pretended to be sound asleep.

Or had a headache.

Or her period.

Sean didn’t question any of this; if anything, he seemed even more considerate.

Marja didn’t say anything to Louise either, but her eyes spoke volumes. She’d put her hand on her heart mouthing ‘ooooh’ when she’d see Sean carrying coffee to bed or widen her eyes and stare at Louise when Sean came with a blanket to cover her in front of the TV. And every time he did something like that, the blade in Louise’s heart made a slight turn, causing her pain again. This certainly wasn’t the man Louise had known in Cork, but one she had so desperately hoped he would one day become. And instead of talking to him, confiding in him, giving him a chance that she took away from Mat, Louise spent hours locked in the bathroom, re-reading the get-well-soon-my-love card.



One night just before 2003 rolled in, Kylie Minogue’s Can’t Get You Out of My Head fittingly blasted from the speakers in the crowded nightclub. Louise, Marja and Sean partied out for the second night in a row, making sure 2002 went out with a bang while avoiding confrontations. Louise had already had three orange juice vodkas in her body and swayed slightly off-beat to the music with her eyes closed for the most part of it. Just as the song ended, she opened her eyes, waiting to see which song was coming, when she noticed a gorgeous, tall blonde dancing a few meters away. She wore a silver mini skirt and triangle top barely covering her torso if it wasn’t for the long, blonde hair almost reaching to her mid-back. She stared at her for a while as if transfixed, she recognized the man dancing opposite her.

“I’m getting some water,” she shouted in Sean’s ear, mimicking the action of drinking with her hand to Marja. They both mouthed ‘OK’ and Louise left the dancefloor headed for the bar. She had just taken a sip of water, returning her gaze to the silver dancing , wondering where the man disappeared when she heard a familiar voice.

“What a surprise to see you here, Lou,” Mat said, gesturing ‘Cheers!’ with his beer.

“I see you’re with Miss Finland now,” Louise retorted, looking at her swaying her hips left to right, leaving little to the imagination. Mat burst out laughing, almost spitting out his beer.

“I see you’re still with the Irish lumberjack,” he said, pointing at Sean in his red flannel shirt on the dancefloor. Louise rolled her eyes.

“Very funny… We call them loggers…” she responded before continuing. “Not that he is one,” she said, leaning on her elbow at the bar.

“And not that I’m with him,” she finished, gulping some more water down. They stood in silence for a minute, Louise fixed on the blonde woman and Mat on Sean. The air of jealousy between them was palpable, like the fog on the dancefloor.

“I think she actually competed for the Miss Finland title,” Mat said, eventually. Louise pierced his eyes with an of-course-she-did look.

“But no, we’re not together,” he said, looking into Louise’s eyes without blinking.

“Juha’s here too. He’s out there somewhere,” he said, breaking contact and looking around in search of his friend before returning to Louise’s eyes. At that moment, the Miss Finland runner-up looked over and beckoned Mat back to the dancefloor with her finger. Louise caught her playful eyes.

“She’s gorgeous, Mat, really. Imagine the tall, blue-eyed, god-like babies you’d make with those genes.” Louise looked up at him, barely reaching his chin in heels. “Plus, she’s already here, you know?” She didn’t know who she was convincing, probably herself more than Mat. Mat turned his body towards her.

“Perhaps I’d prefer shorter, dark-haired, green-eyed, snappy little monsters,” he responded in his usual matter-of-fact tone, shrugging his shoulders. He stared directly into her soul so she couldn’t hide any longer. Louise’s heart skipped a beat. She tried to play it cool, but tears gathered in her eyes. They both got lost in each other’s eyes and, just as they were about to kiss, Louise turned to leave.

“Where are you going?” Mat asked, gripping her arm.

“To the toilet.” She leaned into his ear and gave him a sizzling look after.

Minutes later, as Louise exited the toilets in the back of the club, perfectly hidden from the rest of the partying people, someone grabbed her. He pinned her to the wall and started kissing her passionately, then instantly broke away staring deep into her eyes.

“Mat, we-” Louise tried saying something before her body with a mind of her own pulled him in for a kiss again. Resistance was pointless and their lips locked for a good while, making them forget where or when they were and the world around them. As it usually did. Suddenly, a familiar voice brought them back.

“Khm, khm, excuse me!” Marja interrupted with a loud cough, tapping Mat on the shoulder, who almost entirely hid Louise with his body. Both Louise and Mat turned to face her, their faces a shade of embarrassment, Louise’s lips slightly redder around the edges from Mat’s stubble. Like a schoolgirl reprimanded by the teacher, Louise quickly fixed her dishevelled hair and her black top that had ridden , and followed Marja to the toilet.

The overhead lights in the toilet glared, a stark contrast to the soft, red-toned lighting of the bar outside. Marja shot Louise a stern look before going into one of the stalls.

When she reappeared buttoning up her jeans, she said, “Seriously? Sean is like ten meters away,” Marja hissed. “What are you doing, girl?”

“I know, I know.” Louise sighed, leaning against the cold tiled wall looking up at the fluorescent light.

“I just… when I’m with him,” she said softly, “everything is just so…intense, out of control. I get lost,” she explained. “I have to talk to Sean…” she added, looking down at the grey tiles under her feet. She felt woozy.

“You think?” Marja asked with her voice almost shrieking at the end there. Louise nodded her head while Marja shook hers. Louise ambled over to the sink, taking a good look in the mirror. But before she could properly examine herself under the unforgiving, bright light, let alone her actions, Marja already stood by the door.

“Come on, let’s go!” Marja said, grabbing Louise’s hand. No one stood outside of the toilets. The wall, the scene of their hot passion minutes ago, was now empty. Mat had left. The two zig-zagged among increasingly more people back into the crowd before rejoining Sean on the dancefloor. After another juice vodka and five songs later, Louise felt convinced Mat had left. She hadn’t seen him since their kissing match. To her complete shock about an hour or more later, at the bar, Sean leaned into her ear. “Isn’t that your co-worker? The one you dissed, lied about being sick?” he gestured towards Mat across the room.

Louise’s gaze followed Sean’s direction, landing on Mat, who sat with a bunch of people next to the Miss Finland wannabe. A pang of jealousy shot through her. Marja, standing next to them, looked in the direction the two stared at. As soon as Juha caught her glance, he waved Marja over. She gave Louise an apologetic shrug, mouthing an Oops! and the three of them walked over to join the group. Upon their arrival, Juha wrapped Marja in a tight embrace, belting out “Marjaaaaaa!” in a drunken voice. She sat down next to him and the two started talking without pausing to breathe. Mat, meanwhile, rose to his feet and offered a handshake to Sean. The grip was so firm that for a moment, Louise worried he intended to crush Sean’s hand, but he finally released it and sat back down. With Mat barely acknowledging Louise, Sean seemed puzzled, trying to make sense of the intense greeting. The women hadn’t shaken hands but just raised their glasses a little, acknowledging each other.

As the group settled, Marja and Juha looked more and more lost in each other, whereas the tension on the other side of the table was palpable. Still, Sean, oblivious to the drama, tried making small talk.

“So, how long have you two been working together?” he asked joyfully, looking at Mat. Mat knew there and then that not only had Louise still kept Sean in the dark about who he was, she’d straight out lied about him. Louise hesitated, darting a glance at Mat, who clenched his jaw harder with every passing second.

“Oh, it’s complicated,” she began. “We’ve known each other for a while, but we’ve never actually worked together, you know?“ The blonde beauty on Mat’s left sensed an opening and wrapped her arm around Mat.

“You’re a lawyer too, Luisa?” she asked, making her name Finnish.

Mat burst out laughing, while Sean stared at Louise. He mouthed lawyer with a big question mark practically flashing on his forehead. Louise looked over at Marja, her lifeline, as if she could swoop in and save her once again, but she was preoccupied with Juha’s eyes. The two appeared moments before kissing. The gorgeous blonde whispered something in Mat’s ear, causing him to laugh even harder.

“Please, Lou, tell us all about your law career. Was it Sam?” he asked, glancing at Sean pretending not to remember his name. Sean quickly corrected him in a firm voice, “It’s Sean.” Mat smirked slightly and continued, “Ah, sorry, Sean over here seems interested.”

Louise’s face turned redder. All the lies, half-truths, secrets, and omissions began spiralling out of control. The room felt closing in on her, the laughter around her growing louder and more invasive. She took a big sigh and straightened up in an attempt to find some courage she needed to finally swim upstream.

Here goes.

“I’m not a lawyer, OK? We don’t work together, he’s just a friend, OK?” She gestured over at Mat while looking at Sean.

Sean replayed the events from the other night when Mat stood in front of the door with a sunflower and a gift bag, genuinely looking worried about not-actually-ill Louise.

What was all this really about?

“Kippis! Cheers to my good friend, Louise,“ Mat chimed in, raising his glass. Louise rolled her eyes, glancing again for help at Marja, seeing Juha tracing his index finger on her cheek. They were lost to the world.

“And who’s Sean, Louise?” Mat continued as he put down his beer. “Please, introduce us to him…Friend.”

Louise took a big sip of vodka, feeling the burn of the alcohol as it slid down her throat, a fleeting but sharp distraction from the weight of her decision.

This was it. She could tell Sean right there and then. He couldn’t really cause a scene among all these people.

The air was thick with anticipation, the tension hanging like a champagne bottle cork ready to pop with all the emotions bubbling over. Mat’s eyes stared into her, expectant, as Sean’s hand tightened slightly on her thigh, seeking reassurance. The chatter around them seemed to fade, leaving only the sound of her heartbeat pounding.

It could all end then and there.

But

She couldn’t tell him.

“Sean is…” she almost whispered and put her hand over his on her thigh, “my boyfriend from Ireland…He’s visiting me over the holidays.” She smiled gently.

In that brief, agonizing moment, Louise made her decision.

No more swimming upstream.

Sean put his hand over hers and turned towards her, going in for a kiss, but Louise tilted her head at the last minute, causing the kiss to land awkwardly on her left eye.

“Oh, you’re such a cute couple!” the Miss Finland contender sing-sang, inching closer to Mat. Mat couldn’t take it anymore. He whispered something in the blonde’s ear, tapped Juha’s knee, waved at him and left. Before even realizing it in her head, Louise took off after him.





13





"The heart was made to be broken."





- Oscar Wilde





Pure instinct took over her. She caught up with him just as he was about to exit the club. His frustration was palpable.

“Just don’t, Lou, just don’t…Just go back, be with your lumberjack, tree cutter and just leave me alone,” he said, waving , signalling for her to leave him. She tried to reach out and hold his arm, but he pulled away. Frustrated and hurt, he stood with his back against the wall, his eyes avoiding hers, and Louise, searching for words out of her reach.

“It’s L-O-G-G-E-R,” she spelled out quietly. Mat looked at her in disbelief.

“Seriously?” He raised his voice. “You’re correcting my English? Now?” He ran his fingers through his hair.

“You’re unbelievable, you know?” he said more than asked with his entire body shutting her out.

“I can’t do this anymore, Lou, I can’t,” he said under the dim, red glow.

This is wrong, Louise shouted in her head.

They belonged together.

“You said it, you know?” he continued. “This is too difficult as it is. You’re from another country kilometres away… You’re leaving… I’m staying. We can’t have it both ways. So, as much as this hurts right now…” He sighed deeply and finally met her eyes. Louise fought off tears, knowing that this was the moment. She would lose him. The decision had been made even if she didn’t make it.

“I’d want nothing more for you to stay and be with me, but...” He looked around the emptying club then straight into her soul. “You can’t…” He shrugged.

“And it’s not even the lies and you keeping your boyfriend a secret, Lou… Although that all hurts. You know?” He didn’t wait for an answer, almost as if he knew Louise was unable to give him.

“And you’re still lying to me, you’re still lying to him, God knows what you’re telling yourself.” He straightened up from the wall, getting ready to leave. His hands deep in his pockets, he emphasized the growing distance between them. About five people had exited the club behind them while they talked. Or better, while Mat talked and Louise listened. A couple wrapped in an embrace bracing for the cold outside, two giggling girls with open winter coats exposing bare navels, and a man with an umbrella. Louise knew Mat would be the sixth. It was like a .

5…4…3…2…1… She counted in her head.

“So, let’s just end this here, OK? Go back to your boyfriend, have a great life, I’ll always…” He paused then, thinking of the right word. “Remember you,” he concluded. He put his hand on her cheek gently, making Louise close her eyes. Instantly, she transported to happier times. When it was just her and him. By the time she opened her eyes, the door had closed behind him, letting in the cold draft seeping through her strappy black top and jeans, a stark contrast to the hot love that once existed between them.

“Zero…” Louise said out loud.

Mat was gone.



As Louise, Marja and Sean walked into the flat later that early morning, Louise practically shouted at Sean, breaking their silence.

“ need to talk. I need to tell you some-” but before she was able to finish, Marja interrupted her.

“Oh, look at the time. I’m off to bed, you guys. Hyvää yötä!” she ended in a sing-songy voice and ran off to her bedroom, leaving the two alone in the living room.

“How about we don’t do this now, Lulu?” Sean said, almost whispering. Her heart throbbed. she might have a heart attack if she didn’t tell him. Her heart wanted to exit her body. Most likely it had already left with Mat an hour ago.

She spoke up in a loud voice. “No, Sean, I need to talk to you. I need for you to know. I need to get this out of me,” she kept repeating.

“Ok, shhh, at least keep your voice down. Marja’s trying to sleep,” Sean her, gesturing towards Marja’s bedroom.

“Yes, you’re right, sorry, sorry,” Louise responded and began pacing the room.

“Maybe sit down, Lulu? You’re making me nervous,” Sean said, looking at her confused. Louise didn’t sit down but kept on pacing. Suddenly, Sean couldn’t take it anymore, stood up, and held her by her shoulders, making her stop.

“Look, if this is about your co-worker slash friend, whatever he is, I really don’t care,” he said firmly, locking eyes with her.

“You were away, I was away. I don’t care...,” he repeated firmly. Everything was silent. The club’s red-toned lighting shifted to a bluish hue from the city streetlights. Sean continued.

“The important thing is, you’re coming home in a few months,” Sean said, a genuine smile appearing. “And we can start our life together,” he said, staring deep into her eyes.

“I’ve got a surprise for you… You ready?” He took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I found a place for us!”

Louise met his gaze, her racing heart finally stilling. She had longed for them to live together for so long.

Before.

He nodded and kept nodding, his smile growing. “Yup, a place for us. So, none of this matters, right? You , and you come back to me. OK?” He took her left hand gently pressing his lips to its back. Louise saw a glimpse of her future. It was never here. Kouvola.

Kuvala?

Kovala?

This wasn’t the end stop, just a detour turn she had made. It was always Sean. She hadn’t decided, but Sean finally had. She was the one for him.

“But Sean, I really ne-” she tried one last time. About Mat, about her having doubts, how this was no longer just his decision, but also hers. But he shushed her gently once more, pulling her into a comforting embrace. And just as she almost found her voice again, he silenced her. And instead of resisting, she retreated into familiar territory and did what she knew how to do best—go with the flow.



As the sun finally broke through at 10am on New Year’s Day, Louise escorted Sean to the airport; he was going home.

A mere ten hours earlier, the three of them rang in the New Year at Marja’s place. Sean and Louise gently kissed, more hugged at midnight like two good friends rather than and girlfriend, while Marja spent ten or more minutes on the phone with Juha. One love story had ended, and another just began. Minutes after midnight, Louise slipped away , into the bathroom with her phone. She sat on the closed toilet seat on her phone. She was a glass of champagne away from calling him. She typed only to delete it moments after, then I miss you, then sorry,… All was deleted before it was sent. In the end, she decided for a simple Happy New Year, Mat!

She hoped for a reply, knowing it might be better if there were none. She waited and sat on the toilet seat for a good ten minutes, but nothing came.

Mat was gone. He was probably making out with his new supermodel girlfriend.

The airport looked abandoned, as not many had opted to travel on the first day of the new year. Still, for the people there, overhead announcements echoed in Finnish, Swedish, and English, guiding passengers to their gate.

“Can’t wait for you to come home, Lulu!” Sean exclaimed. “Just six more weeks…” he whispered, pulling her close. Louise smiled.

And as Louise watched Sean’s Aer Lingus plane take off, a subtle wave of joy and relief washed over her. She, too, would return home soon. She checked her phone again, which she had done numerous times since midnight, wondering if Mat had replied. He hadn’t. It was all right. A new year was ahead of Louise, and her Finnish adventure was coming to its end. As if she would actually come and live in Finland—no, that was never her wish. Her dream was coming true. She would be moving in with her boyfriend – Sean.





14





“There is no place like home.”





- L. Frank Baum





Schoolwork preoccupied Louise’s subsequent days and weeks. Increasingly, her thoughts drifted to her life at home. Homesickness to kick in. Another concern was her thesis at University College Cork, a task she knew awaited her upon her return.

Meanwhile, Marja spent most of her free time with Juha, who visited her most weekends. As Louise’s departure neared, it became evident that her journey in Finland drew to an end. She almost felt like an outsider, particularly around Marja and Juha, sensing that she was in a way an inadvertent impediment in their newfound love and blossoming relationship. She tried to get out of their way, and took long walks, and stayed at the school much later than she needed to. As much as she fell in love with Finland, she found herself daydreaming about Cork, wondering what it was like during this festive season, thinking of the tree in the square, the wheel on the riverbank, and the giant red bulbs lit up on the streets. She’d miss it this year, but she wouldn’t miss it again. Her thoughts still went to Mat, but the intervals between his intrusions into her mind lengthened as he did not respond to her Happy New Year message.

One time when Juha visited, she asked casually about him, and he replied with a short ‘Good!’ looking at Marja the entire time. Their reluctance to get involved was evident, and Louise understood. She wouldn’t mention Mat again.

Sean, on the other hand, was the sweet man he had been during his visit to Finland, sending her emails with photos of him refurbishing their new flat. He made sure he had several I miss you’s and I love-you’s in every one of them. He’d call her every week at the agreed time and report on his progress. And Louise slowly fell back in love, finding her way back into familiar territory. Even though it wasn’t the same passion, desperate need, and desire she felt with Mat, it was a friendship, familiarity, and a different kind of love. She wasn’t in love with him but in love with his love for her.

And that should have been enough.





15





"The past beats inside me like a second heart."





- John Banville





Louise stands on the podium on her graduation day, nerves tingling as she prepares to present her paper. She looks down and notices a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl beside her incessantly tugging at her skirt, bombarding her with questions. She looks around, searching for the girl’s mother, finding no one but the professors waiting for her to begin her speech. Louise strains to understand the little girl, nerves building up with every second. Finally, she realizes it’s not the clarity of her speech, but the language that’s foreign. She pieces it together that it must be Finnish. The girl’s voice grows more insistent, repeating the word ‘ äiti, äiti’. Louise, flushed and nearing the end of her nerves, finally shouts in response, “I don’t understand.” The girl bursts into tears while Louise scans the eyes of the professors, shaking their heads in disapproval.

Louise awoke in a cold sweat, the darkness of her room engulfing her. Frantically, she reached for the nightlight. Panic surged through her veins as she scanned the room, her eyes settling on her bag on the kitchen table. She bolted towards it, hands trembling as she rifled through its contents in search of a colourful pad. She found it. Heart racing, she flipped through its pages, looking for the letter P.

There it was.

But the entry dated over five weeks ago. She counted the weeks again and again but couldn’t change it. A sudden realization washed over her. She was pregnant. It couldn’t be. She stood hunched over the kitchen table as if frozen, checking the P’s all the way back to May 2002—more than six months ago. Always every four weeks. , she walked back to her bed with her pad in her hand and stared at the ceiling for the next two hours, waiting for morning to come.

Marja and Juha were sound asleep when she hurriedly left the flat a little before nine, walking quickly towards the nearest around the corner. A million images flooded her mind, switching like looking through a kaleidoscope.

Mat in bed beside her.

Mat with his hands in his pockets outside the club.

Sean at the airport.

The little girl from her dream next to her on her graduation day.

She rubbed her and took out her phone, wondering what to do. She checked her messages, nothing from Mat, and only a good night with a bunch of XOs from Sean from last night.

“Huomenta,” the chemist said cheerfully as she unlocked the door from the inside at 9am on the dot.

“Huomenta,” Louise replied anxiously, following her inside. She looked around but couldn’t see any pregnancy tests. Not that she knew what they looked like. She glanced at the chemist and down at the counter.

“Morning… Do you speak English? My Finnish’s not that good.” She forced a smile. Normally, when she went to the store or somewhere she’d try to speak Finnish, at least start, but this wasn’t the day for that.

“Yes, of course. How can I help you?” she replied politely. Louise felt relieved she wouldn’t have to practice her Finnish at a time like this. She didn’t hold back.

“Hm, well, I need… I need a…pregnancy test,” she stammered, gesturing toward her stomach. The chemist, grasping the situation, reached under the counter and handed her a white and purple box that looked like it had a pen in it. She smiled, clearly misinterpreting Louise’s distress for hopeful anticipation.

“Are there instructions in English in there?” Louise frowned, searching for pictures on the box.

“Yes, there should be. It’s easy, though. Just pee on the stick and wait for the ,” the chemist said in a gentle, kind voice. Louise forced another smile and exited the chemist’s, putting the stick in her purse.

When she got Marja and Juha were still asleep. She headed for the bathroom and went inside, forgetting to lock the door. Only minutes later, Marja walked in and discovered Louise in the bathroom, praying fervently.

“Our Father, who art in heaven…” she mumbled on her knees in front of the toilet, hands joined in prayer.

Louise’s mother had a very strict Catholic upbringing and hated anything to do with church or God. The two avoided the church like the plague. Louise’s grandmother, on the other hand, taught her prayers, which Louise never used apart from desperate times when she needed God’s intervention. Never more so than on this very day. She had no idea the number of times in the future she’d pray for the very opposite of what she wanted now.

A baby in her belly.

“What are you doing?” Marja hissed, puzzled.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m praying,” Louise responded before resuming like a religious fanatic reaching trance.

“You don’t really believe in God, do you?” Marja asked, wondering if she had ever seen Louise pray before. She rubbed her eyes, looking at the mirror. She hadn’t removed her makeup the night before.

“I’m Irish. We all believe in God,” Louise replied nonchalantly.

“Oh, OK,” Marja said, looking confused, splashing water on her face. “And why are you praying all of a sudden?” She blew on her hand and smelled her breath. She needed to brush her teeth before returning to Juha, still asleep in her bed.

Louise hesitated, glancing at the pregnancy test.

Finally, Marja’s eyes widened in realization. She put down her toothbrush.

“Noooo!” she shrieked.

Marja grabbed the stick, and noticing this, Louise closed her eyes, tilting her head further back and praying louder and louder.

“Tell me, how many lines? No, don’t tell me…” She opened her eyes and looked down at the toilet. It was pristine clean, smelling of lemon. Still, the smell overwhelmed Louise, and she felt sick.

“Shit!” she cried out. “Shit, shit, shit, shit!” she repeated as any good Christian would in her situation.

“Paska!” Marja responded, peeking at the test.

Louise resumed her frantic prayers, adding ‘shit’ here and there mixed with ‘tell me, no, don’t tell me!’ Finally, she stood up and turned around to face Marja whose eyes wouldn’t look up from the test.

“Hit me!” Louise said in a determined voice. She closed her eyes as if in pain, like the answer would physically hurt her. At that second, Marja slapped her across the face.

“Ouch, what are you doing?” Louise cried out.

“What? You said hit me!” Marja hissed.

“No, no, hit me like tell me, not hit me. Ouch!“ Louise whimpered.

“Oh, so sorry, I didn’t know…” Marja’s hand was over her mouth, feeling immense guilt for slapping her friend. “Sorry,” she repeated.

“It’s OK, I probably deserved it,” Louise replied.

Karma was back at work.

“OK, are you ready?” Marja glanced at the test as Louise braced for the answer.

“Two lines.”

Louise grabbed the test in one hand and the instructions in the other, comparing the images of the test to the ones on the instructions.

“Fuck!” she shouted, defeated, and collapsed to the floor.



Grace first laid eyes upon Declan during her last year in high school when he was transferred from Cobh. He entered the classroom with an air of familiarity, as if he had spent all of his teenage years inside it. He sported a black leather jacket over a flannel shirt and straight blue jeans. Grace’s eyes immediately darted to his ankles in search of white socks, her pet peeve. To her relief, he didn’t wear them. Perhaps that detail alone attracted her.

Or the leather jacket.

Or the jet-black, slightly wavy hair barely covering his ears.

Or the contrasting green, almost turquoise eyes his daughter would inherit.

His sudden transfer brought with it an aura of mystery, further heightening his appeal to the girls at school, Grace included. It seemed that they constantly hung around him, forming a kind of fan base circle. He would sneak behing the school for a smoke, and they would wait in front as if he would be handing out autographs after he finished the cigarette. Grace wasn’t part of his groupies, and perhaps being more unattainable made her more interesting to him.

Or it was love at first sight.

Or just hormones raging through both of them.

It happened at the graduation ball. Grace wore a beautiful red dress, Declan had on a suit with a shirt and bowtie, and they both looked so grown-up and adult, when deep inside they were still kids. Stolen kisses on the dancefloor led to other things and nine months later Louise came into the world. Grace’s aspirations of becoming a doctor abruptly altered, as she became a mom at the young age of nineteen, marrying a man she barely knew.

This was the reason Louise had been on the pill for years, ever since her mother discovered her relationship with Sean. As a nurse at the local women’s clinic, Grace went to great lengths to educate her daughter about risks women faced and took Louise to the gynaecologist long before she needed to.

“We’re not having sex, Mom,” Louise would insist.

“Never you mind, Louise,” her mom would say.

“Remember, Louise. One time is all it takes. You’re proof of that,” a reminder that echoed throughout Louise’s life.



But Louise didn’t remember.

Once she was in Finland, she had stopped taking the pill, although she had them with her. There was no need for them. Sean was far away. Then Mat showed up, and , they used condoms. Then she started taking the pill again, but they still used condoms.

Then they stopped using condoms.

Then Louise ran out of pills.

They started using condoms again.

Then they ran out of condoms, as they had gone through them quickly. A flashback came to her of one night after they had both had several drinks.

“You’re on the pill, anyway, right?” Mat whispered in her ear when he returned to the bed after frantically searching the top drawer opposite the bed. Louise unbuttoned her blouse and began taking off her jeans. She murmured ‘yes’ and kissed him fervently. She didn’t realize that at that point she actually hadn’t taken the pill for over a week.



“Fuck!” Louise screamed for the entire building to , instinctively grabbing Marja’s arm crouching next to her. Juha walked into the bathroom, finding the two of them sitting on the floor a second later. Marja sent him home quickly, knowing her friend needed her.

Minutes later, Louise, almost catatonic, moved to the kitchen table, staring at her phone. As soon as Juha left, she broke down again and started sobbing.

“I can’t have a baby, Marja, I can’t…” Marja ran over and started hushing and hugging her.

“I have to graduate. I’m going home in a few weeks. I’m moving in with Sean… I just can’t…” she said, sounding defeated.

Only having her mom as a girl, Louise had always wanted brothers and sisters and imagined having a big family sometime in the future. She loved children. A teacher after all. But a baby at this time was out of the question. Facing the same fate as her mom was unimaginable. She noticed the coffee mug in her hand. It had Moomin on it, a Finnish cartoon character. Moomin—a white, friendly, ghostly character—sat behind a table looking at the open front door with the full moon shining inside. , the light promising a beautiful, sunny day. Nighttime ended and the light of the day exposed the unwanted truth.

“Could it be… Sean’s?” Marja asked gently. Louise shook her head vigorously. Marja made an ‘oh’ with her mouth.

“So, Mat’s then…You have to tell him, Louise,” Marja said in a firm tone to which Louise shook her head vigorously.

“I can’t, Marja…It’s over. And even if it wasn’t over, I can’t have a baby…,” she paused, breathing shallow. “Not now... I have to go home. I have to graduate. Besides, it’s ov-” The image of him shutting her out at the club came back to her.

Was it a full moon that night? she wondered. In front of the club. The night it ended. She remembered looking up at the sky after exiting the club. She stared up at the ceiling.

No, cloudy.

“What about Sean?” Marja asked, holding Louise’s hand.

“What am I going to tell Sean?” Louise grimaced. She put her phone to her ear, pretending to call him.

“Hi, Sean, just wanted to tell you I’m pregnant. Yeah, it’s not yours, of course… Yup, that lawyer-not-actually-a-teacher you met over here, he’s the dad. No, no, we’re not together, I’m still coming home, can’t wait to come live with you… Love you!” she exclaimed, pretending to hang up. The two young women stared at each other for a second before bursting into laughter at the absurdity of the situation.

“Fuuuuck!” Louise cried out.

“Paaaaska!” Marja responded.



When Louise was still in school, her mom went on ferry trips with her girlfriends every now and then. The trips seemed to increase in number as Louise got older and could be left alone for a day or two. Always abroad, she took her passport with her. And always with some new girlfriend. She remembered how, when they returned, her mom’s friends stayed with them for a few days. Initially, she assumed they had been on holiday, but upon their return, her mom’s friends looked noticeably pale and unwell. Her mom said that they had caught the flu and would stay with them a couple of days. Louise found this puzzling, given that the women were usually married. Some even had children waiting at home, but she didn’t say anything. She noticed blood in the toilet at times and plenty of pads in the bathroom but didn’t give it much thought. She assumed the women had their periods. Sure, it was strange that all of them had periods, but still. After a couple of days, they left. Some cried, others forced a smile, some looked relieved, others broken. None looked happy, as if they had just returned from a cruise abroad. Some had men pick them up, some left on their own. This went on for years before Louise finally mustered up the courage to ask her mom about it.

“Mom, where did you go with that lady?” she asked one night worried, just as Niamh, a petite red-haired lady looking like a ghost, had left to return home. Her mom looked her straight in the eyes before answering.

“God may want these women to be mothers, Louise, but that doesn’t mean they are meant to be. God knows, I wasn’t,” she responded. The spoken and unspoken words laid heavily on Louise. Even though it wasn’t her fault, Louise had been the reason her mother hadn’t become a doctor, forced to be in an unhappy marriage, her fault she had never remarried.

Louise couldn’t do that to herself. She couldn’t do that to her mother. And not only that, she couldn’t do that to her child.

Her child would be loved.



A mere week later, Louise found herself at the doctor’s office, gazing out the window at a majestic tree, its branches barren in the dead of winter. Little did she know that in the years to come, the circumstances would tragically reverse, with her baby’s lifeless form inside her, herself praying desperately for a different outcome, while the tree outside burst with vitality in the spring. The terrible price she would pay for her decision loomed in the future, an unforeseen cost for a choice she believed was the only one she could make at the time.

Karma was indeed a bitch.

After the initial examination, Louise waited in the waiting room to be admitted. Surrounded by pregnant woman, one of them heavily pregnant accompanied by her husband, it hit her. This was a mistake. She couldn’t kill her baby.

Mat’s baby.

She hurriedly left the waiting room and slipped into a small bathroom. A stark, white space with blue tiles on the walls reaching the height of her shoulders, its fluorescent lights casting an uncomfortable brightness for someone who only sought refuge from the mirror’s gaze. Unable to confront herself, Louise sank onto the toilet seat and began scrolling through her phone to find his name under calls. She found it buried deep down. She let it ring, counting one, two, three, four, five times before hanging up, met with silence on the other end. He didn’t answer. She looked up at the white ceiling and sighed.

He was gone.

Just as she was about to exit, the phone rang.

Mat!

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hello, Louise. You called?” His voice came through, mingled with the sounds of traffic and car horns in the background. Then, another voice, a familiar one.

“Who is it, Matias?” she heard someone say on the other end.

Miss Finland.

Her emotions plummeted from complete joy to utter sadness in an instant. He was with her.

“Oh, hi, Mat, I…” she stammered, trying to come up with a reason for calling him. “You forgot something at Marja’s place…” She looked down at her belly. Tears started rolling down her face. She noticed the blue tiles again.

“The blue jumper, you know?” She had a clear image of him in his light blue jumper with a shirt of the same colour peeking out.

“Oh, really? Sure it’s mine?” he asked, sounding cheerful.

Louise’s heart cracked open even more.

“I’m in Germany until next week, but I can come and pick it up then,” he continued. By that time, Louise’s voice started cracking because of the tears rolling down. She took a deep breath, putting her hand over the microphone for him to not falling apart.

“You know what?” she said. “Sorry... Marja just told me it’s Juha’s, not yours. Sorry about that.” She sounded almost together. She heard him talking with her on the other end.

“No problem, Lou,” he responded, sounding eager to finish the call.

“Well, Happy New Year, you know?” she mumbled, realizing something. She was completely alone in this.

“Happy New Year, Louise. I hope everything turns out great for you. I really do,” he said, shattering Louise’s heart.

“Oh, everything’s great, yes,” Louise whispered. “You have the best year too, OK?” she managed to get out. He hung up the phone, leaving Louise with hers by her ear.

That was it.

It was over.

For her and him.

For the baby.



A few hours later Marja waited for Louise when she came out of the hospital, looking very much like her mom’s friends years earlier. Her grey eyes turned greyer like clouds before a hailstorm, with only a hint of green in them. She had bags under her eyes, making her eyes even darker.

As the two friends sat in the kitchen that night, slurping some soup, Louise reached over the table and held Marja’s hand.

“Marja, you can’t tell anyone, OK? Please…Not even Juha…No one.” Marja barely held back her tears. She mimicked zipping her mouth.

“Se on meidän salaisuus…It’s our secret,“ she said, and Louise knew she could trust her.



The final few weeks went by quickly and Louise slowly started coming back to herself, although paler, tired looking. Just going through the motions, not allowing herself time to pause or reflect.

Then, one crisp winter day, as she wandered the bustling streets of Helsinki, her footsteps led her past the city’s iconic white cathedral. Its white structure and green domes looked like kissing the white clouds above them. Intrigued, Louise came to a sudden halt, her gaze drawn irresistibly to the cathedral’s imposing façade. For a fleeting moment, she stood in silent awe, drinking in the sight before her, imprinting its magnificence upon her memory with a sense of reverence. She didn’t dare go inside, as she’d committed a deadly sin, but also felt betrayed by God himself. He let her down as well. She looked up at the sky and whispered, “I’m sorry… I had to.” Just as she returned her gaze in front of her, a familiar silhouette caught her eye in the distance. She touched her belly, wincing as if in pain. There he was, dressed in a dark blue suit and a brown coat, with Miss Finland walking briskly by his side. Too late to hide away, Louise stood there like cement as Mat waved his hand in excitement. As they got closer, Miss Finland greeted Louise and continued walking while Mat stopped, clearly delighted to see her.

“Lou! It’s so good to see you,” he almost shouted, hugging her. Taken by surprise, Louise almost broke down in his familiar arms, his smell.

Her home.

“Are you OK? You look a little pale,” he asked, visibly concerned.

“Yeah, I’m good, going home on Friday…So, great!” she made double thumbs-up in red gloves, perfectly matching his grey-and-red scarf.

“You’re still wearing my scarf, I see,” Mat said, touching the tassels gently, careful not to touch her.

“Yes, it’s warm,” she responded.

“Great! So, you excited about going home?” he inquired.

“Yes, sure am. Sean has a place for us, so, we’re moving in together, you know, like adults do,” Louise said, trying to give the appearance of having everything together, although her life felt like rubble after an earthquake.

“Great. I’m happy for you…” He held her by the shoulders. A tear appeared in the corner of his eyes.

It must be the cold, she thought to herself as she admired the encased Helsinki in snow, icicles, and frost in the dead of winter.

“Lou, I’m so sorry…” He paused a bit. “I just couldn’t see you after…well, everything. You know? Besides, from what you said, your - what is it? – logger deserves a second chance. He seems like a decent guy.” Louise smiled then.

He actually said logger.

“Yeah, I owe it to him, you know. He loves me so much,” Louise said, almost convincingly.

They both smiled. A moment of understanding passed between them when no words were necessary. He loved her once. She loved him still. But sometimes love isn’t enough. He pulled her into another tight embrace. Louise grappled with a tsunami of emotions breaking the surface, fighting the urge to tell him everything.

How much she loved him.

How she lost-well-killed the baby.

How she didn’t really want to be with Sean.

How she didn’t want to go home.

She didn’t say anything.

“We’ll always have Kouvola, Lou,” Mat whispered into her ear, triggering a soft smile.

“Yeah, I’ll let you know if I’m ever there again. And if you ever make it to Ireland, let me know.” She looked down at her scarf. “And thanks for this. It’s really nice.”

They stood there for a few minutes, neither one wanting to be the first to leave. Suddenly Miss Finland called out to Mat.

“Have to go, Lou…Hope to see you…someday,” he said with a smile, casually jogging over to catch up with the blonde.

“Yeah, you too!” Just as he rejoined Miss Finland, Louise whispered, “Love you…” but he was too far away to hear her.



“You come and see me in the summer, you hear?” Louise said, squeezing Marja tightly.

On her last day up north, Marja accompanied Louise to the airport, a bittersweet farewell on the horizon. Louise hauled an additional bag almost the size of her, filled with clothes and trinkets from her time in Finland, while Marja helped her with her other two suitcases. With so many things going home from Finland with her, an intangible emptiness lingered deep within her. So many things left Finland with her, but the most important ones stayed behind. Finland had given her so much but at the same time taken away much more than it had given.

“Of course, I’m coming. Let me know when you land,” Marja said.

“Will do!” Louise responded.

Hours later, upon her landing and exiting at Cork terminal, there he stood.

Sean with a bouquet of red roses, not yellow sunflowers. Oblivious to everything.

He rushed over to take her bags. As Louise’s eyes fell on the roses, a flashback of the vibrant sunflower from Mat resting on the snowy road hit her. As soon as he approached her, Sean went in for a kiss when all of a sudden Louise stopped him. She couldn’t do this. Not anymore.

“Sean, I can’t..” she whispered. “I can’t,” she repeated, her voice barely above a whisper, but each word carrying the weight of her certainty. She watched as Sean’s expression shifted from anticipation to confusion. Louise struggled to find any other words, her mind racing with conflicting thoughts and emotions. She knew she couldn’t continue down this path, couldn’t ignore everything that had happened and just go on.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice trembling with emotion. With a heavy heart, she grabbed her bags and turned away from Sean, the weight of her decision pressing down on her as much, if not more, than her heavy bags.





Part II


Ireland 2003





16





"No matter where I go, there you are."





- Confucius





“A case study.” Dr. O’Reilly proposed.

After losing everything and starting over, Louise felt determined to do one thing right. To make something out of her experience in Finland. Almost immediately after returning home, she connected with Dr. O’Reilly, a respected figure at Cork College, known for her work in comparative linguistics and cultural studies. An older, grey-haired woman with curls reaching to her chin, always wearing bright red lipstick matching with her red glasses, she seemed eager to become Louise’s mentor, genuinely interested in her experience in Finland. Together, they came up with the idea to delve into a unique aspect of her experience in Finland.

“A case study that contrasts the teaching methodologies in Finland with those in Ireland, highlighting the cultural nuances and their impact on language acquisition,” the professor explained and Louise bobbed her head as if she understood it.

She eagerly delved into the research. She scoured through academic journals, her teaching materials in Finland, and spent most days at the library. She needed to have her own money to feel independent and she found herself a job—teaching English to foreigners at a language school. Living back at home with Mom after spending six months with Marja and before that at college, felt strange. She went out of her way to spend as little time as possible with her. As a nurse, Grace worked shifts and Louise had her classes in the afternoons and evenings, so it wasn’t that difficult. The two often met in the hallways, and Louise liked it that way. She didn’t have the courage to face what happened, let alone lay it all out. , nothing reminded her of Mat and Finland in Cork.

Another place.

Another time.

Another life.

Another beginning.

Sean kept texting her, calling her, but she brushed him off incessantly, repeating she wasn’t ready for anything. She wasn’t. She felt raw, hurting from her ordeal. Not in her body but in her soul. No one but Marja knew her secret. She it deep inside her with the rest of her time in Finland. It actually was quite easy. Work proved to be a great distraction as well as her paper and she was on the road to building her life again in Ireland when Finland, out of nowhere, came back to haunt her.

She had just begun another A2 course for foreigners and her new students introduced themselves to the class—a diverse group of people, made up of a couple from Afghanistan, a woman from Slovakia, three Albanians, and one older man from Greece. The last person to introduce himself was Aaro, another tall man with sharp blue eyes. Louise knew right away.

As soon as Aaro said, “Hi, I’m Aaro and I’m from-”

Louise finished it with him: “Finland.” They both smiled, but beads of sweat came up on her neck and she suddenly felt a chill on her.

During the break, the two of them stood by the water cooler in the bustling hallway of the community centre. The fluorescent lights hummed softly overhead, casting a pale glow and long shadows across the linoleum floor. People from other classes milled about. The couple from Afghanistan tried to communicate in broken English with the Slovakian in the far corner. Hands were used and lots of ‘what’s’ heard, some because of the noise the other people made, some because of the language barrier. As Louise took a sip from the plastic cup in her hand, she looked up at Aaro.

“So, what brings you to Cork of all places?” she asked.

“Love,” he replied resoundingly, shrugging his shoulders as if saying that moving to another country without speaking the language properly and leaving everything behind was as easy as going for a walk. Louise’s thoughts immediately went to Mat, imagining him being there instead of Aaro.

Unfair.

Her heart sank.

The floodgates opened and in the days and weeks that followed, during every break, after every class, Aaro talked to Louise about Finland. For him, he finally found someone to reminisce about his home with. For her, on the other hand, it felt like ripping off bandages from wounds still bloody, not just raw. Each time they talked about hedelmäkeitto, the fruit soups, or some other Finnish particularity, she’d spend the night staring at her phone, typing Miss you only to delete it, then repeating it until exhaustion finally took over her and she fell asleep.



“Siobhan, is that you?” Louise cried out one night as a woman waited for Aaro outside the classroom.

“Oh, my God, Louise!” Siobhan screamed when she saw her. “Aaro says what a great teacher you are…And you’ve been to Finland, too, I hear?” she almost shrieked.

“I had no idea it was you, silly!”

It was then that Louise found out that Aaro hadn’t moved to Ireland for some unknown Irish woman. He moved to Ireland for Siobhan, one of Louise and Sean’s friends.

“Yes, yes, yes,” she responded, eager to escape the encounter.

So unfair.

“So beautiful Finland, I hear…” Siobhan spoke, looking at Aaro as if she had tiny hearts instead of pupils in her eyes.

“Sooooo beautiful,” Louise repeated, looking past the two of them in the distance, remembering Mat walking towards her in his blue suit and brown coat in Helsinki.

“We should get together sometime, Louise. I have to call Seany,” Siobhan stated resolutely. She was Sean’s friend first, Louise’s second.

“Dinner on Saturday? At our old pub? O’Malley’s?” she continued to chirp, looking all excited.

Louise felt too stunned for words. Finally, she came to.

“Oh, no, sorry.. We’re not together anymore,” she finally managed to get out. Siobhan looked at her as if she had said the most outrageous thing ever.

“You aren’t?” she almost shrilled, astounded.

Louise shrugged her shoulders at a loss for words.

“I see… I’ll have to call up Seany to see what’s going on,” Siobhan said, smirking. “Can’t imagine that he let you slip from his hands.”

Perhaps I left him, Siobhan? Louise screamed inside, her face blank.

“Anyhow, the three of us could still get together?” Siobhan asked cheerfully, looking at Aaro then Louise. Aaro clearly loved the idea. An evening with Louise chatting about Finland. What was there not to like about that? Siobhan, who’d suggested the idea, looked as eager as Louise remembered her from years ago. Always first in line for a party, a beer, a night on the town. Louise had no choice but to agree.

“Sure, why not?” she acquiesced, thinking her mother would be at home on Saturday. A reason for her to not be there. They quickly checked if they still had each other’s phone numbers. They did. As Aaro and Siobhan departed hand in hand, Louise felt a pang of loneliness wash over her. Her wounds had been all opened up. All the other classes ended by then, and the usually bustling corridor had transformed into a quiet asylum, forcing Louise to hear her thoughts. To feel her sadness and experience her pain.

She had been doing so well. Well, not well, but not that bad.



After five texts from Siobhan and a phone call, the three of them met at a pub a week later. In true Irish fashion, the pub was dark, with green leather upholstery on the chairs and an Irish flag hanging above the bar. The familiar scent of stale beer mingled with the lively chatter of people. For a split second, Louise considered that this might not be such a bad idea after all.

But as soon as she approached the table, she recognized a familiar red-checkered shirt—one she had seen and touched many times before. She could almost feel the warm, slightly fuzzy material under her fingers again.

“Lulu,” Sean’s voice cut through the din of the pub as he caught sight of her, his face lighting up. His eyes quickly scanned her from head to toe. She wore plain, nineties-style straight jeans that did nothing for her curvy figure, and another black top.

“You look great!” he said, hugging her tightly.

“Can you believe it, Louise?” Siobhan interjected, a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she playfully slapped Sean on the shoulder. “Just as we walked through the door, guess who I saw? This old fella sitting by the bar.”

Louise’s eyes darted between Sean and Siobhan. Both of them were blushing. Surely, this wasn’t a chance encounter, but rather a carefully orchestrated plan devised by the two of them.

“Hope you don’t mind that I asked him to join us?” Siobhan’s gaze lingered on Louise, silently pleading for her approval.

“Sure, I guess,” Louise finally whispered. No matter how hard she tried to escape the past and start something new, it kept coming back to her like a boomerang, hitting her on the head. As soon as they sat down—Sean next to Louise, opposite Siobhan and Aaro—Sean started firing questions.

“So, this is your new Swedish boyfriend? Do you work at Ikea?” He found his joke so funny that he burst out laughing.

“No, I’m from Finland,” Aaro replied, smiling. Sean’s eyes widened at the mention of Finland. He looked at Louise, who had started guzzling down the Guinness she had just received.

“Oh, Louise knows Finland quite well, don’t you? She just came back, like, a month ago, didn’t you?” Louise had nearly downed a quarter of her glass by then but kept going. Sean sat so close that his leg inadvertently—or rather advertently—touched hers several times.

“We were both there, actually, for a while,” he said, putting his arm behind Louise’s back on the chair. Louise finally put down her beer, hoping the alcohol would go to her head soon.

“What, two months ago?” he asked, turning to Louise. She made the slightest burp, and everyone started laughing.

“Sorry about that. Haven’t had one in ages,” she said, lying. She had had a Guinness just the other day.

“Yes, Sean was lovely to visit me in Finland for the holidays,” she answered, taking another sip.

“Beautiful, it is up there,” Sean said.

“Beautiful,” Louise affirmed, still focused on getting as much beer as needed in her body to make her number. She could already sense the wooziness creep up on her. It still took several Gunnesses, but finally she accomplished her goal, feeling more at ease.

She and Aaro spent almost the entire evening recollecting on all things Finnish, their voices mingling with the live Irish band’s music reverberating throughout the pub. As the night wore on, the band transitioned to traditional Irish folk songs, and the entire pub joined in choruses. The atmosphere grew more intimate, suffused with the scent of stout and the sound of fiddles and bodhrans. Siobhan and Sean giggled as they sang along, making up lyrics they couldn’t remember. This wasn’t the type of music they usually listened to, but they sort of knew it as any Irish person did.

Seeing them cackling and having fun, Louise imagined how great it would have been if Sean were with Siobhan. She closed her drunk eyes, picturing Mat sitting next to her instead of Aaro. Not a moment later, she heard a voice in a familiar Finnish accent. She whispered Mat lovingly without realizing it.

“Are you all right?” Aaro asked her. “You look a little… lost,” he continued.

“Lost?” Louise asked, feeling the words hit her like a ton of bricks.

“No, I’m just tired, that’s all,” she responded. She knew all too well how to shut down further questions. She had plenty of practice with her mom. Her eyes returned to Sean and Siobhan again, singing off key to a song, laughing every other note. Louise decided to join them, feeling an urge to do anything to whitewash the memories of Mat.

Suddenly, the music changed. The band had gone on a break and the radio came back on. The beautiful chords of One by U2 began to resonate through the pub, and apparently Sean felt a surge of emotion.

He loved U2.

Louise too.

He pulled Louise closer, wrapping her in a gentle embrace, and started swaying her left and right. Siobhan rejoined Aaro and the two of them started making out almost immediately. Louise took a good look at Sean. His sometimes-brownish-sometimes-ginger beard, depending on the light. His auburn hair reaching down to his chin. His light brown eyes. The freckles on the back of his hands. His signature red checkered shirt that he wore so often. Right then, for the first time in a long time, she had the strangest feeling that she was where she was supposed to be.

With Sean.

As the night drew to a close, the pub began to empty. The cool night air felt refreshing as the group stepped outside, accompanied by the faint scent of distant sea salt and the sound of laughter from nearby alleyways from other partygoers finishing their night on the town. No snow on the ground, the stars shimmered brightly against the dark sky, casting a gentle glow over the cobblestone pavement.

“Thanks for a great evening,” Siobhan said, her voice warm as she pulled Louise into a tight embrace. “We should do this again soon,” she whispered in Louise’s ear, and stole another impish glance.

Louise nodded, a faint smile playing at the corners of her lips.

Aaro and Sean exchanged a friendly handshake, their voices blending with the distant hum of the city. Aaro promised to invite Sean and Louise over for a Finnish dinner sometime soon. Sean’s eyes sparkled with anticipation as he turned to Louise when Aaro and Siobhan walked away hand in hand. Suddenly, Louise and Sean were left to themselves. Sean was quick to break the awkward silence.

“So, what do you say, Lulu?” he said softly, gently touching her chin. “Want to see ou-” he started but quickly corrected himself. “Well, my place? You haven’t been there yet.” His voice sounded full of hope. Louise’s heart skipped a beat as she looked into his warm eyes, feeling a surge of emotion welling up inside her as well.

“Sure, why not?” she replied, her voice soft but steady.

Walking back to his place, the streets of Cork were quiet, the only sounds being their footsteps and the distant hum of the city like a blanket. They walked side by side, each step inevitably bringing them closer together.

As he unlocked the front door, he put his hand over her eyes, a playful grin tugging his lips.

“Ta-da,” he said cheerfully before removing his hand. She recognised the hallway, the soft glow of the lamps casting long shadows against the walls from the photos. The vintage brown table in the kitchen with two chairs. The white sofa with orange flowers on it in the living room and an orange bean bag next to it.

“It’s lovely, Sean,” she said softly. She imagined him having this place before she left for Finland. Them living together before. Her not leaving.

If only.

Turning to face Sean, she tilted her head upwards like a tender proposal, exposing her neck. As if she asked ‘Will you kiss me?’. Sean was quick to act and gently pressed his lips onto hers. Soon, what started as a soft kiss deepened in intensity.

“I missed you,” Sean moaned into her ear. “Missed you so much. You sure you want this?” he asked, and Louise said ‘yes’ with her eyes and smile. Her body didn’t take long to respond, to take over, to drown out the memories and give into the sensation. Just before she allowed herself to be consumed by the moment, surrendering to the familiar warmth and closeness, she asked, “You got condoms, right?”



For the next three weeks, almost a month, everything finally started to fit into place like the last few elusive pieces of a once-hopeless puzzle with over a thousand pieces. Louise had moved in with Sean in a matter of days, eager to escape her mother’s watchful eye. Together, they settled into a known, comfortable routine, lazy weekends, and quiet evenings curled up on the sofa. Nevertheless, she remained slightly reserved, not allowing herself to fall back in love completely. Despite Sean’s affectionate gestures, she maintained a cautious distance, guarding her heart against the possibility of hurt as if it had been frozen by everything that had happened. Their schedules, with Sean working mornings and Louise working afternoons and evenings, unintentionally reinforced the emotional separation, giving Louise the space she needed to keep Sean at arm’s length. But Sean persisted in his role as the loving boyfriend, showering Louise with attention and care, his efforts a constant reminder of his commitment to their relationship. And slowly but surely, Louise’s heart started to melt.

Then, one ordinary morning, the sun streamed through the windows of the kitchen, colouring it into a warm orangey hue. Louise, just woken up, walked up behind Sean busy preparing breakfast, ready to wrap her arms around him.

“Sorry, really late,” he said, swerving past her withdrawing abruptly. It caught her off guard. Puzzled, Louise looked at the clock on the wall. It was only 7am, and yet Sean seemed unusually rushed. She poured herself some milk and leaned against the kitchen counter, watching Sean eat his eggs in silence at the table. As she turned to retreat back to their bedroom, Sean’s voice cut through the air.

“You could at least put the mug in the dishwasher, you know?” His tone was sharper than usual with a hint of irritation lacing his words. It was a voice Louise recognised from before. Louise looked at him, then at the mug on the counter.

“Yes, sorry, my bad,” she said quietly, hurrying back to the kitchen.

“Never mind, done now,” Sean snapped back, taking the mug, and putting it into the dishwasher before she had the chance.

Louise crossed her arms defensively. “What’s wrong?” she asked, confused as to what she had missed.

“Oh, nothing’s wrong…I just hate being the only one tidying up around here,” Sean replied, not making eye contact, finishing his eggs. Louise felt a surge of anger bubbling up within her and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes. He didn’t notice. She had vacuumed over the weekend, folded the laundry, dusted. This had nothing to do with the mug. Their little game came back. The tug of war. The relentless cycle of push and pull. Sean chasing Louise and Louise keeping her walls up out of fear of being hurt. She needed to be sure he loved her and once he had proven himself, she would always let him in. Then, every time without fail, he pushed her away when she finally let him in. Making her work for his love. And Louise worked. Eventually, she’d get tired and pull back again. And then Sean would step up again. An exhausting pattern, impossible to break.

Standing there in silence with the light coming through the kitchen window, making it brighter by the minute, Louise realized the true root of Sean’s behaviour. It wasn’t about her or the flat—it was about Mat. Louise was nothing more than a prize to be won, a conquest to be conquered. And once Sean had her, she became worthless in his eyes.

“Sure,” she said, not to escalate the situation. She turned away and retreated from the kitchen.

In the days that followed, silence and distance settled between them once again. Louise kept herself busy, seeking solace in the familiarity of the library and the language school. She made sure the flat remained spotless, the kitchen sink empty, her silent protest against any further complaints.

One evening, as Louise shuffled in the kitchen, the weight of the silence pressing down on her, Sean broke the heavy stillness.

“You call out his name,” he began, his back turned to her, fixated at the shiny, empty sink. His words hung in the air like a thick fog, suffocating the space around them.

“In your sleep. You keep moaning his name,” he said in a broken voice unfamiliar to Louise. She felt her heart sink and struggled to hold back the tears.

“I’m so sorry, Sean…” she whispered. “I’m a terrible person.” She started shaking her head. “You’ve been so nice to me…” she whispered, thinking of ways to explain it. “So patient and I’m still lost,” she almost cried out. She had no idea.

“I wish I hadn’t gone to Finland… I wish none of this had ever happened,” she confessed, her voice heavy with regret. She took a shaky breath. “Maybe it’s best I leave, you know? You deserve so much more.” Louise turned around, determined to start packing. But before she could take another step, Sean’s voice stopped her.

“No, Lulu, wait. I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have said anything.” His hand reached out, a silent plea for her to stay. Louise turned, uncertainty written on her forehead. Slowly, she made her way back to the sink, her lips curving into a faint smile despite the tears glistening in her eyes.

“It’s empty…” she said, softly pointing at it. A small chuckle escaped Sean’s lips as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry, Lulu,” he offered. She moved closer, wrapping her arms around him as he faced her. They stood embraced for a while when all of a sudden Sean said, “Here’s a crazy idea, Lulu. Want to hear it?” he asked, his eyes searching hers for a reaction. Louise stared at him curious. Sean took a deep breath, his gaze shivering.

“Want to get married?” he asked, his words hanging in the air like a promise of hope amidst the darkness.





17





“Sometimes the only way to hold on is to let go.”





- Unknown





“We’re getting married!” Siobhan practically screamed as the four of them gathered for dinner at Sean’s place. Coats cluttered the narrow hallway. Although Sean and Louise’s collection comprised only five coats and jackets, the two hooks barely held them all. As soon as Siobhan took off hers and noticed the overcrowded hooks, she handed it to Sean to put away and leapt into Louise’s arms. She jumped up and down, slightly lifting Louise off the ground.

Two weeks before, Louise and Sean had sort of agreed to get married. Something about a beach wedding somewhere, away from everyone, just the two of them. A secret arrangement no one had to know about.

“Let’s keep it our secret for now, OK?” Sean said.

Louise, still pretty much adrift in the open sea, was kind of content with the plan. On the surface. Despite now being fiancés, not much had changed. They still saw little of each other and often spent their only time together sleeping. Conversations revolved around their daily lives, when someone would be home, who would take out the rubbish, with little mention of the impending wedding. They hadn’t discussed any details. No venue. No date. It hadn’t been the romantic engagement Louise had seen in the movies as a little girl and nothing like Siobhan’s apparent fairytale.

“Wow, this deserves a toast,” Sean declared as he emerged from the bathroom without Siobhan’s coat. He avoided Louise’s gaze. Unlike Sean and Louise’s secret nuptials with just the two of them, Siobhan and Aaro envisioned a huge wedding with over one hundred guests from both Ireland and Finland. And Siobhan, brimming with excitement, eagerly shared every tiny detail of their wedding plans.

“We’ve been cake tasting this past week. I must’ve gained five pounds.” She smiled, looking at her belly.

“Stop it, ihana,“ Aaro responded, gently kissing her on the cheek. Louise involuntarily winced at the familiar word. She could hear Mat say it to her.

Ihana.

Despite it all, he always lurked beneath the surface.

“Well, I hope you’re hungry,” Louise said. “I didn’t make all this food just for the two of us,” she added, her voice barely above a whisper as she took a sip of wine.

The cakes apparently weren’t that fulfilling, as Siobhan helped herself to two whole plates of lamb roast, baked Finnish potatoes, and cranberry sauce for dinner. In the midst of her third serving, she paused from detailing their wedding plans.

“What about you two? Back together, how romantic. Any plans on getting settled down?” she pried. Just before Louise was able to open up about their private beach wedding, as surely Siobhan could be told about it, Sean quickly responded.

“Nothing serious just yet. Louise still has to graduate, you know, get a proper job,” he said, giving Louise a condescending wink. His words hit Louise like a brick wall at the end of a dead-end street.

“Of course, of course,” Siobhan said with a firm nod. “A woman needs a proper job,” she stated firmly, eliciting laughter from everyone except Louise.

“Well, I can always make sure you catch the bouquet at our wedding, Louise. Then he’ll have no choice but to go down on his knee,” Siobhan teased, winking at Sean.

Louise replayed the scene from the day he proposed in her head. He didn’t go down on his knee. He didn’t have a ring for her.

“Want to get married? “ he asked as if he was offering vanilla ice cream. His favourite. And the way she said yes, sure, as if she knew there was only vanilla ice cream.

She didn’t like vanilla.

She hated it.

She liked chocolate chip.

As the conversation continued, Louise’s mind drifted away from the kitchen scene. She could no longer resign herself to being carried aimlessly along by this current. It led her nowhere. The meandering flow of the sea had held her captive for far too long, and the time had come to stand on the shore and walk away. Everything inside of her screamed.

“Anyone want ice cream?” she blurted out. Sean and Aaro nibbled on the lamb roast, and Siobhan had her mouth full of potatoes and cranberry sauce. They all looked at her as if she had just suggested the strangest thing. Which she had.

Before they managed to respond, Louise’s head was in the freezer. She knew before looking what she would find there, but needed to be sure.

“We’ve only got vanilla,” she shouted from a distance, “and I don’t want vanilla,” she declared, more to herself than anyone else. The next second she stood in the hallway, removing Sean’s coats to get to her jacket. Even his coats felt stifling.

She smirked as she tossed one of his beige jackets onto the floor—a striking resemblance to vanilla ice cream, the flavour she no longer had the stomach for.

“What are you doing, Louise?” Sean asked, his mouth half full.

“I’m just going down to the corner shop to get some ice cream,” she replied, perfectly calm.

“But we have ice cream,” Sean said, shrugging his shoulders. “Besides, we’re still in the middle of dinner,” he said, looking at everyone’s mouths full.

“We have vanilla…” she said, almost angrily, returning with her jacket to the dining table. She pointed her finger at him. “I don’t want vanilla. I want chocolate chip,” she finished, glaring at him.

Aaro and Siobhan looked uncomfortable.

“Perhaps we should get going,” Siobhan said, putting down her fork.

“No, stay, stay. I’ll be right back,” Louise retorted and vanished through the door. The other three exchanged bewildered glances.

Louise returned shortly with not one, but three different kinds of chocolate chip ice cream—mint chocolate chip, cookies and cream, and stracciatella.

“See, we can have a little ice cream tasting. Why stick to plain old vanilla?” she said joyfully. The others gave her puzzled looks as she set the ice cream on the table, along with cups and spoons, her jacket still on and Sean’s coats still on the floor in the hallway. She made room for the ice cream between the potatoes and the meat.

“But I actually like vanilla,” Sean commented, genuinely confused.

“Of course you do,” Louise shot back, helping herself to a sizable spoonful of the mint chocolate chip flavour while the others still had food on their plates. They stopped and helped themselves to ice cream as well, feeling forced to. Louise scoffed when she saw Sean take two scoops of vanilla. Siobhan and Aaro seemed eager to leave, and as soon as they finished their ice cream, they did just that. Once he had closed the door behind them, Sean turned to Louise.

“What the hell?” he asked. Louise, avoiding his gaze, made her way to the bedroom, leaving the dishes and ice cream tubs on the table, not bothering to bring them to the kitchen sink. Sean followed her.

“What’s going on, Louise?” he persisted. Louise ignored him, taking out her suitcase from under the bed. The tags from Finland hadn’t been removed. She tore them off and threw them to the floor. She looked at them, then up at Sean, who stared at the tags mid floor. She quickly picked them up and marched to the kitchen to bin them. She glanced at the food on the table but left it.

“What are you doing?” he asked, walking behind her like a lost puppy.

“Something I should have done years ago,” she said, completely calm.

“Is this because of the ice cream?” he asked, genuinely curious. Louise burst out laughing.

“You know it’s not ice cream, Sean. Look…” She stopped and sat down on the bed, glancing to her left at a picture of the two of them on the wall. They stood side by side, feet deep in mud, Louise’s red polka-dot wellies looking browner than anything else, with beers in their hands, laughing away. She remembered it well: their first overnight trip to the Glastonbury Festival. Not alone, of course, but accompanied by a lively group of—she counted them in her head—about ten friends. Siobhan was there too, she recalled.

Was that her hair in the background of the photo? she wondered. It didn’t matter. She remembered something else that did.

None of them knew she was his girlfriend back then. She was just Louise.

By now, most of those people had gotten engaged, married, had babies, or were expecting. Siobhan was one of the last to get married. And Louise was still just Louise, perhaps she made to girlfriend status. No plans of them getting married— at least that’s what Sean said at dinner.

She sighed deeply. “It’s not you, it’s me…” she murmured, not looking away from the photo. “I’m still there, Sean. I never left.” As she continued to stare at the photo, its features began to blur, morphing into the familiar silhouette of Kouvola as seen from Mat’s window.

“In Glastonbury?” Sean asked, inspecting the picture, puzzled. Louise glanced at him with a frown on her forehead.

“Of course, not Glastonbury,” she retorted, sounding genuinely pissed off. She stood up and resumed her packing. He left the bedroom momentarily, returning shortly with a beer in hand. In that time, Louise had managed to pack a considerable amount of her clothing, though a substantial pile lay scattered on the bed. He scratched his head, trying to make sense of it all.

“I love you, Lulu,” he uttered softly. She exhaled deeply, her emotions bubbling to the surface.

“I actually…don’t think you do, Sean...” she began. “I think you love—no—like the idea of me, of us…When we’re out of reach, that is.” She held out her hands far apart, showcasing the gap.

“But the moment we become real…” She drew her hands together. “I’m no longer interesting…” Her voice trailed off momentarily before she regained her composure.

“Let’s get married, you said…” She resented him for that.

“And for the longest time, I thought I was the problem. Not putting away the coffee mugs, not folding the laundry the right way, not having blonde hair or D cups.” She looked down at her cleavage. He never said anything, but she remembered coming home after night school, finding Sean on the sofa watching reruns of Baywatch with Pamela Anderson running on the beach. Every time she approached the sofa to sit next to him, Sean glanced down at her chest. It didn’t even closely resemble Pamela’s. With her dark hair, palm-sized breasts, wide hips, the only similarity between the two women was perhaps their height. She was never his dream girl.

“And then I made an even bigger mess of things, didn’t I?” She thought back to her time with Mat, the only time she felt unconditionally loved.

She was his dream girl.

“And there you were for me, with all your…devotion and forgiveness… And I was again the one that needed to prove herself. Because I had bloody fucked everything up, like I always do.”

She looked around the flat searching for a piece of herself, only to see the one thing that she loved more than anything. Mat’s red and grey scarf. She quickly wrapped it around her neck.

“And I thought, wow, he’s changed,” Louise continued, as if firing an automatic rifle.

“And I tried, Sean… But we don’t work, we never did. We tried and tried but we just…we don’t work…You deserve more, and I deserve…” She stopped mid-thought, looking around if she had managed to stuff everything of hers in the suitcase.

“To be alone...” she finally said, realizing there was still more to pack. After the words erupted, she continued packing in silence, while Sean sat at the kitchen table in the dark. He had quietly put away the ice cream and the dishes, leaving the kitchen spotless.

As she put on her jacket in the hallway ready to leave, Sean asked in a whisper, “Why do you have to leave?”

Louise turned around, her expression unreadable. There was nothing more to say. Just as she opened the front door to leave, he shouted after her.

“I cheated on you too…”

His words, intended to inflict pain, strangely left Louise feeling nothing but a profound sense of relief.

She wasn’t the only one to blame.





18





"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."





- Elbert Hubbard





“Never did like him,” Louise’s mom remarked one evening, her hands submerged in soapy water as she washed the dinner dishes. The kitchen smelled faintly of garlic and roast chicken from their meal. Louise stood next to her, drying the plates with a towel that had seen better days. Their old dishwasher had broken down years ago and fixing it had never made it to the top of her mom’s to-do list.

“But he was the dependable sort,” her mom continued, her voice laced with a hint of regret.

“And made quite a bit of money with those computers. You would have been well-off with him,” she concluded.

After the sudden breakup, Louise had no choice but to move back in with her mom. At twenty-five, returning to her childhood home felt like a step backward. The disappointment in her mother’s voice was clear, although she didn’t see Sean as perfect, she believed Louise should have made it work.

Grace had been on her own since Louise’s dad died. Quiet memories around the flat reminded Louise of him, such as some of his suits in Grace’s wardrobe, a photo here and there, but the subject of her father remained a silent one. When it came to men and dating, Grace was clear. “I’m not going to cook or clean up after another man,” she’d declare with a firm resolve. In her eyes, men were more demanding than children—a responsibility unless they brought money. Love, to her, was a trivial matter compared to financial security. Because of her mom’s outlook, Louise kept her love life private, not divulging the details of her breakup with Sean, much less telling her about Mat or the baby. She shared just the bare minimum, what needed to be disclosed. This translated, at the moment, to breaking up with Sean.

Louise’s daily routine stayed largely the same. She spent her mornings in the library, the quiet hum of fluorescent lights overhead as she worked on her paper. Afternoons and evenings were dedicated to teaching English at the local school, where the chatter of students and the scrape of chairs against the floor filled her ears. Despite the routine and order, inside she felt adrift, floating again in an endless sea of possibilities. But a change was on the horizon. Louise’s mom had planned a trip to Ibiza for the second week of July, leaving Louise with the house to herself. The thought of having the space to breathe and think was exhilarating. As the date approached, Louise eagerly anticipated the freedom from her cramped routine and the chance to regroup.

See you in one week, tyttö! Marja wrote on MSN.

The two had been messaging on MSN whenever they got the chance and emailed practically every other day. Marja knew all about Louise’s breakup with Sean, about her moving back in with her overbearing mom, about her paper – . Marja became the one person who knew all about Louise. And although Mat—an almost forever love seemed lost to Louise, she still had Marja.



As soon as they spotted each other at the arrivals hall, the two young women started jumping up and down from the sheer joy of seeing each other in person. The setting couldn’t be more different—the chill Finnish winter with layers upon layers of clothing contrasted with the soft Irish summer, the air filled with a pinch of salt and the gentle hum of life with the two of them wearing jeans shorts.

“You’re so pale,” Marja shouted, looking down at Louise’s almost milky white legs. Louise burst into laughter.

“Speak for yourself,” Louise responded, pointing at Marja’s equally pale skin. She looked exhausted. Louise figured she was tired from the flight and had no idea of the darker truth that even Marja had not known at the time.

“We are in desperate need of the beach!” Louise declared, and as soon as Marja settled and unpacked, the two took the train to Louise’s chosen destination—Myrtleville. Her mom would often take her there when she was younger, and she even had the faintest memory of being there with Mom and Dad, building a sandcastle.

As they descended onto the sandy shores, a gentle breeze played with their hair, and the sun kissed their skin, making Louise’s freckles more pronounced. The beach stretched endlessly, its golden sand meeting the blue waves that rolled in gently. If it wasn’t for the slightly chilly sea water, they might have just as well been in Ibiza where Louise’s mom was. Both lathered on sunscreen, Louise the winter beauty, and Marja the Scandinavian blonde complete with almost blonde eyebrows.

“This is the life,” Louise joked as they settled on the picnic blanket. Marja smiled, retrieving two Heinekens from their cooler bag, handing one to Louise.

“This is good,” she affirmed, raising her bottle. “Kippis!”

“Kippis!” Louise cheered.

“My mom used to take me here when I was little,” Louise said after a moment’s silence. Marja couldn’t figure out her tone.

“Oh, yeah? It’s lovely,” Marja replied, taking in the panoramic setting around them.

“Was it always just you and her?” They hadn’t spoken much about Louise’s mom, the love drama always taking precedence.

“No, my dad was around too, just not for very long,” Louise shared, tipping her beer. “Can’t really remember him. I must have been three or four when he died.” Her eyes traced the ocean, finding a little girl jumping waves, hand in hand with her father. She barely reached up to his knees in her pink and white swimsuit and a pink sun hat covering ginger curls.

“Mom never really talks about him,” Louise said.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Louise. I had no idea,” Marja said, offering a comforting pat on her left arm.

“Oh, it’s got nothing to do with you,” Louise reassured her, shaking her head. “Besides, what you don’t know, you can’t miss, right?” she concluded, her voice going up.

“Was he ill?” Marja asked. Louise swallowed more beer. “Yes, cancer apparently,” she responded, gesturing toward her chest, indicating lung cancer. At that moment, Marja started coughing, spitting out some of the beer she had just imbibed.

“Are you OK?” Louise asked, instantly worried.

“Erm, fine, fine…” Marja managed to croak. She took another sip of beer, only to succumb to a more forceful bout of coughing. Quickly, Louise retrieved water from the bottom of their cooling bag, and that made all the difference.

“Well, that was classy,” Marja remarked, once the coughing fit subsided. Louise chuckled.

“You OK? You had me worried there,” Louise said, patting Marja gently on the back.

“Fine, fine,” she said, cautiously taking a little sip of the beer again. It went down without a hitch, and Marja smirked proudly.

“See, still know how to do it,” she said, winking. “Sorry about your dad…” she added, her face changing in an instant.

“Don’t worry about it. It happened a long time ago and I barely have any memory of it,” Louise explained. They both gazed into the distance at the little girl. A particularly large wave had splashed her on her face, leaving her in tears. Her dad scooped her up, attempting to comfort her. Louise looked away, as if to escape memories surfacing from deep underwater. It worked.

“So, what about Sean? Have you seen him since…” Marja asked, changing the subject. Louise shook her head vigorously.

“No, haven’t seen him. But that’s good, you know? I’m moving on with my life and…we weren’t right. You know?” Louise explained and Marja gave a nod in understanding.

“Can’t believe he cheated on me too,” Louise almost whispered. “Well, said he did,” she added. Marja knew the conversation word by word as if she had been in the room with them.

“I know,” she muttered.

“Bastard!” Louise shouted.

“Paskiainen!” Marja said in Finnish.

“Do you think he actually did? Or did he just say that to hurt me?” Louise asked like she had asked before. They repeated the same conversation slightly differently for the tenth time since Louise and Sean broke up. Before it just happened over the longest emails, messages, and that one time over the phone a day after they split up. Now in person.

“Louise, it doesn’t matter,” Marja finally said in another attempt to stop Louise from overthinking it. Her mother clearly got to her with her remarks.

“He wasn’t good for you, and you know it,” Marja said. Then she said a name that didn’t come up much. “He isn’t Mat…” Whenever his name came up, it exploded like a nuclear bomb without a sound, leaving complete devastation behind it. Louise ignored it. It felt too painful to revisit.

“Never mind… What about you and Juha?” Louise inquired. Marja shifted uncomfortably at the question, which Louise found strange.

“Erm… We actually broke up about a month ago,” Marja admitted.

“Marja, what? Why didn’t you tell me?” Louise exclaimed in shock. This was the first she had learnt of this.

“Look, you were going through so much, and I didn’t really know where me and Juha were… were going. It wasn’t nearly as dramatic as what you were experiencing… So, I just kept it to myself, you know. But it’s over now. We’re over.” She shrugged.

“I’m fine, really. Much better than you anyway,” she said, winking at Louise, who started fake laughing.

“So funny!” Louise responded, playfully hitting Marja on her arm.

“I’m just fine too!” she explained, enunciating every syllable.

“We’re both fine, gorgeous, single girls on a lovely, sandy beach,” she declared optimistically, raising her beer high in the air.

Marja started clearing her throat. “I think I better put on a sweater,” she said with a laugh. The breeze intensified, and they started to feel the chill. Undoubtedly, they weren’t on an Ibiza beach.

“Perhaps we should go look for a sauna,” Louise teased, uncertain if there even were saunas in Cork. Both of them burst into laughter and put on their T-shirts.

They spent the day on the beach venturing into the sea up to their thighs several times, laughing out loud one minute, then coming close to tears the next.



In the evening, the two started getting ready for a night on the town. They huddled in front of the tiny bathroom mirror, carefully applying eyeliner and mascara. Emboldened by a string of beers throughout the day, they both sported miniskirts ending mid-thigh matched with tops that barely reached over their belly buttons. Both of their shoulders a bit sunburnt from spending the day in the sun, but they still went with tank tops, showing off their sun-kissed skin.

The night was alive with energy. They lost themselves to the rhythm of the music, singing at the top of their lungs to Summer of69 and bopping their heads to Mr. Vain. During the day, the summer scenery looked completely different to the winter setting in Finland, but the nighttime ambience seemed very much the same. The dark nightclubs, flashing lights, the occasional fog on the dancefloor and the American hits listened to everywhere around the world. Several men walked over to them or just danced nearby, saying the occasional, “Hi, how are you, love?” but the girls remained in their own world, not allowing anyone in their space.

As the night wore on, a clearly drunk man wearing a bright green T-shirt, who had been watching Louise all evening, approached her and whispered into her ear.

“Want to head to O’Sullivan’s?” he asked, smelling of beer. Louise, taken aback, responded with curiosity, “What’s that? Some new club?” she asked naively.

“No, it’s a…motel…B&B. Kind of,” he stammered, winking.

“Why would we go to a motel with you?” Louise shot back, looking over at Marja, frowning her forehead, who wondered what was going on. She couldn’t hear what he said from the loud music in the background.

“Well, better I shag you than some idiot,” the man blurted out with a shrug. Louise burst into laughter at the ridiculous proposal. Seeing her reaction, the man waved his hand in front of him and left. Louise wondered how many times he had tried that pick-up line on someone.

“Romance is clearly dead, Marja,” she declared as she recounted the encounter when the two walked home arm in arm. Their feet ached from dancing in high heels, causing their footsteps to meander slightly on the cobbled street approaching the park.

“Kuollut!” Marja repeated in response, and the two started laughing again.

“We’ll always have each other, though,” Louise said, stopping in the middle of a park. Giant maple trees surrounded the path the two walked on.

“Always!” Marja confirmed. The full moon beautifully lit up the avenue. The two strolled to a nearby bench, their tired feet grateful for the chance to rest.

“My feet are killing me,” Louise hissed and started massaging her feet. Marja smiled.

“Better I shag you than some idiot,“ Louise repeated, this time emphasizing the word I. She repeated the sentence several times enunciating a different word each time.

“Unbelievable!” she concluded.

Marja gazed up at the full moon through the maple leaves of the towering tree behind them, casting a mystical glow over the surroundings.

“I hope to come back here someday,” she whispered, her voice barely audible over the rustle of the leaves in the slight breeze.

“What?” Louise asked, puzzled, her confusion evident in her tone.

“It’s kaunista here. Pretty. Do you know there’s a maple tree outside my place in Helsinki?“ Marja shared as she stared at a massive tree directly opposite her. Her eyes shimmering with fond memories.

“There is?” Louise responded, trying to picture the tree outside of Marja’s window in Helsinki. She vaguely remembered a tree similar to the ones surrounding them now, though she often struggled to notice her surroundings when her mind was preoccupied with so much else.

Marja continued, gesturing towards the row of trees lining the path. ‘Do you know that all of these trees are friends?’ she remarked. Louise’s eyes followed Marja’s finger, her mouth slightly open in awe. She had never really noticed trees before.

She should have.

“They communicate through… How you call it…juuret?“ Marja asked, seeking a translation from Louise.

Louise chuckled softly, shaking her head. “Well, don’t look at me, girl. I have no idea how trees communicate,” she admitted, opening up her arms in a gesture of bewilderment. Marja then pointed towards the ground.

“The underground part of the tree, you know?” she elaborated.

“Ah, roots, you mean…OK,” Louise responded.

“Yes, roots. The roots connect each maple tree to its neighbour. They share food, water, and all kind of information through the roots,” Marja explained.

“Wow, didn’t know that. Thanks, oppe!“ Louise said, playfully nudging Marja’s shoulder.

“Love maple trees,” Marja declared, her voice filled with affection and a hint of sadness in the background. A sadness Louise would only notice in hindsight months later. Still tipsy, Marja stumbled over to the tree, attempting to wrap her arms around its massive trunk. The rough bark pressed against her palms, and the earthy scent of moss and soil filled her senses. Louise couldn’t help but laugh at her friend’s antics, gently pulling her away from the tree.

“OK, I get it, Marja, you love trees. No need to shag it, though,” Louise said. They both erupted into laughter like crazy then, the sound echoing through the stillness of the night.

“Better a tree than some idiot,” Marja concluded with her index finger high up in the air. Her laughter mingled with Louise’s and blended with the rustle of the leaves. Laughing, they continued their leisurely walk home.



When they got back to Louise’s place, Marja noticed a familiar object resting on the dresser in the hallway.

“Oh, you still have it…” she murmured. Louise followed her eyes to the grey-and-red scarf hanging on the wall. Immediately transported to that day in the Helsinki park, she remembered seeing Mat for the last time, recalling him touching the tassels but not her. She reached out and ran her fingers over the soft fabric.

“Yeah… Don’t really need it here, it doesn’t get that cold,” she said, her voice betraying her sadness.

“Noniin… Se on harmi.” Marja sighed, her gaze lingering on the scarf.

Hearing those words, Louise felt overwhelmed by a rush of emotions and nostalgia. An aching longing and the gaping hole in her heart, coupled with the amount of alcohol in her blood, Louise closed her eyes and took a deep sigh. In a sudden surge of impulse, she pressed Marja against the wall and started kissing her.

A desperate attempt to reclaim what was lost.

She kissed her fervently, full of hunger, of lost feelings. Lost in a moment of passion for a minute, she pushed her tongue in Marja’s mouth, driven to feel something. Something she knew deep down she couldn’t find in Marja. Louise, slightly drunker than Marja, determined to feel something, anything again, didn’t stop. She started kissing Marja’s neck, moving down with her lips, cupping Marja’s breasts with her hand. It felt unfamiliar, not something she had hoped she would find. As soon as she reached her hand further down, almost touching her panties. Marja gently pushed her away.

“Stop…” she whispered.

Louise tilted her head back letting out a deep sigh before collapsing to the floor on the other side of hallway.

“You don’t want this,” Marja whispered in a gentle voice laced with understanding, crouching to her height.

“I know…Sorry,” Louise muttered. Marja said nothing in response, instead hugged her tightly. The two of them sobbed in each other’s arms in another attempt to let go of the pain.

“We’ll be OK,” Marja’s reassurance cut through the silence like a beacon of hope.

“We’re fine already,” Louise responded. “Just a bit binned. Sorry again. I don’t actually find you attractive,” she added, a hint of self-deprecation in her tone.

Marja chuckled softly, a glimmer of amusement in her eyes.

“You don’t?” she teased, making a sad face. Louise smiled.

“What a night,” Marja continued. “You almost got shagged by an idiot, I by a tree and then by you,” she said, pointing at Louise sitting across the narrow hallway. The two broke into laughter for the umpteenth time that day.

“Friends?” Louise extended her hand for a handshake.

“Best friends!” Marja declared firmly.

“Best friends forever!” Louise shouted.

The rest of their week together was a blend of sightseeing and shifting emotions. Though tears and laughter still came in quick succession, gradually they were replaced by more enduring smiles and reflective sighs. As their time together drew to a close and Marja prepared to return to her maple tree in Helsinki, Louise felt a glimmer of hope stirring within her. Mat’s ghost and other unresolved memories still lingered in the background, but the horizon now seemed brighter, like the promise of a new day. With a friend like Marja, she could get through anything.

She had no idea what awaited her around the corner.





19





"The truth will set you free, but first, it will piss you off."





- Gloria Steinem





“Champagne, Miss?”

Louise had never been to a wedding before. She wasn’t exactly bursting with enthusiasm about attending this one, least of all alone, but Siobhan insisted. The wedding took place in August, and Louise dearly wanted to have Marja with her, but by then, Marja had been back in Finland for a month, getting ready for the next school year fast approaching.

The moment Louise mentioned her split with Sean, Siobhan began dropping hints about Aaro’s single cousin, who would be present. Funny, it seemed like everyone knew she and Sean weren’t right for each other the minute they broke up, but no one had told Louise before. Sean was invited to the wedding but decided to skip it at the last minute, bringing an expected sigh of relief from Louise. They hadn’t spoken since their breakup, and she appreciated the absence of potential awkwardness.

The happy couple beamed on their special day. The wedding reception took place in a large, open clearing under a beautiful, big, white canopy. A forest on one side and a pond on the other, fringed with wildflowers in bloom. Siobhan looked stunning in her white, princess-like dress that trailed behind her with every step she took, and Aaro looked handsome in his navy-blue suit.

Upon arrival, Louise noticed that it looked like two countries present at the wedding, with a clear border between them. Lots of people Louise knew from school on one side, talking in their Corkian accents, whereas on the other side, it looked like you were teleported to downtown Helsinki, not an English word to be heard. At first, Louise was unsure which side to go to, as she had abandoned Finland and Finland had abandoned her, but she also felt out of place in Ireland. Luckily, the teacher in her took over, and she spent most of the day in the kids’ corner, singing “The Wheels on the Bus” while pretending to drive the bus with the children queuing behind her.

As the day turned into night and more champagne flowed, the border slowly started disappearing, and all of a sudden the language became one big mix of Finglish, with people shouting “Cheers” met instantly with “Kippis” from all sides. It felt like a union of two countries, not just two people. And by the time Siobhan stood up and delivered a short speech about her undying love for Aaro in broken Finnish, not a dry eye was seen with Louise the only one not sobbing.

“Not a romantic, I see?” a voice said, interrupting Louise’s thoughts. The guests sat around round tables on lawn chairs draped with white cloth. She turned around in search of the face behind the voice and found herself locking eyes with a man who had the exact same eyes as Aaro, but everything else about him was distinctly different. While Aaro had an almost bald, blond look, whereas this man’s dark hair reached down to his chin.

“Aaro’s cousin, I suspect?” she asked, extending her hand for a handshake.

“The single English teacher who lived in Finland for a while?” he asked. They both started smiling, knowing that they must have both heard quite a bit about the other one through Siobhan and Aaro.

“Louise,” she introduced herself.

“Mikko. Nice to meet you! May I?” he asked, gesturing at the empty chair next to her. Louise agreed and took another sip of the champagne.

“They’re such a beautiful couple, right?” she said, looking at them wiping each other’s tears.

“Yes, they really found each other,” Mikko agreed, eyeing Louise’s outfit. She wore a dark green mermaid-type dress, accentuating both her curves as well as her chameleon eyes, bringing out almost an emerald green in them.

“So, what’s your story, Louise?” he continued, switching his gaze between her and the happy couple in the distance. Aaro and Siobhan moved to the dancefloor for their opening dance. breathtaking display of love and affection that Louise found hard to watch. Luckily for her, after about a minute or so, other couples gradually joined in, and Siobhan and Aaro got lost in the crowd.

“Oh, you probably know more than me; it’s hard to have a clear perspective when you’re in the middle of something. What’s the outside version?“ she asked, smiling flirtatiously.

“It’s that complicated?” Mikko asked, wrinkling his eyebrows. “I honestly don’t know anything,” he said, putting his hand on his chest as if affirming his sincerity. “Just that you finally dumped some cheater,” he responded, without the faintest idea that he just dropped a bomb.

Louise froze, her smile fading. She couldn’t believe what she had just heard.

Dumped some cheater?

She hadn’t told Siobhan anything about Sean cheating. She actually didn’t know anything about it herself. She replayed Sean’s words from that night before she walked out.

I’ve cheated too.

“What?!” she asked but more exclaimed, staring at this stranger who apparently knew more about her love life than her. Mikko, recognizing her shift in mood, started backtracking nervously.

“Look, I don’t know anything. Sorry I said that. I was trying to be funny, yo-” Mikko tried to explain, but before he could finish, Louise darted towards Siobhan on the dancefloor. The music shifted from romantic love ballads to faster pop beats, causing the crowd to break into lively, individual dances. Siobhan stood at the centre, surrounded by a circle of girlfriends, all jumping to the rhythm.

As soon as Louise came to her, she shouted in her ear, “What the hell, Siobhan? What do you know?”

“What?!” Siobhan shouted back, her voice barely audible over the blaring music of Jennifer Lopez’s Waiting for Tonight.

“Sean, Siobhan…His cheating on me?” Louise demanded, her eyes drilling into Siobhan’s in search of answers.

Siobhan looked at Louise intently and stopped dancing. She grabbed her by the hand and led her off the dancefloor, but not before removing her pointed heels, wincing from the discomfort they had caused after wearing them all day. Some other girl took Siobhan’s place in the centre of the circle while the others continued hopping around.

“Why are you telling complete strangers shit about my life, Siobhan?” Louise asked, her anger palpable. “What do you even know?” she scoffed. Before Siobhan could respond, Louise continued, “Heck, you’re the reason we got back together in the first place,” she added, rolling her eyes. Siobhan fidgeted, unable to look Louise in her eyes.

“Ah, sure look… I’m sorry, Louise,” she began, nervously fidgeting with her fingers in front of her. “I didn’t catch on at first, but then after that daft night when you had a fit about ice cream…“ she said, enunciating ice cream as if Louise had acted like a lunatic. “I bumped into Denise… I hadn’t seen her in ages. Anyway, we got to talking about the gang and how everyone’s getting on. And then about you two…” Siobhan gestured at Louise. “One thing led to another, and then she let slip about Orla. You know?” she hinted, implying Orla was the one Sean had been cheating on her with. “I figured you must have known, given the ice cream drama,“ she said again emphasizing the word. The two stood by the wooden pillar supporting the tent. Beautiful white, Christmas-like lights adorned the beams and the pillar—a stark contrast to Louise’s inner turmoil. She felt like puking right there and then on Siobhan’s gorgeous, innocent, white dress.

“It all made sense then,” Siobhan continued, her eyes widening. “I mean, you know, Orla being blonde and all, and vanilla ice cream,“ she said suggestively, replacing vanilla as the keyword instead of ice cream. Louise grimaced, trying to process what she had just heard.

What does vanilla ice cream have to do with Orla?

“Sean likes vanilla ice cream because he prefers blondes—like Orla—over chocolate chip, which is more like you with your dark brown hair,” Siobhan explained, pointing at Louise’s hair.

Oh, that’s what.

“And you love chocolate chip—yourself—that’s why you had to leave him,” Siobhan added, giving Louise a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

Oh my God, Louise screamed inside of her. But before she could respond, Siobhan continued.

“I mean, in hindsight, it was clear as day that something was going on between them,” Siobhan said, her voice tinged with sympathy.

“Something?” Louise asked incredulously.

“Between Sean and Orla. Apparently, she was his ex, even, before you,” Siobhan explained, glancing over at Aaro, who began waving at her to return to the dancefloor.

Memories flooded back to Louise. Orla was certainly one of their group of friends. But the gang consisted of ten or fifteen people, and never had anyone mentioned that Orla was Sean’s ex. But then, no one had ever referred to Louise as his girlfriend either. She was always just Louise. And with them spending little to no time alone—there was usually a group of people, Sean’s friends, with them. Orla always being one of them. She wondered when exactly Orla had become his ex and Louise his present. And when she had last seen her. After Finland, they had only hung out with Siobhan and Aaro. The others always seemed to be busy with something. Her mind wandered back further before Finland. The picnic at Tim’s place. Tim, another friend of Sean’s, also worked at the same IT company. She tried to remember how many people had been on the lawn that day. Ten, fifteen, twenty? She had no idea. Was Orla there? Louise tried to picture her: dirty blonde hair, wavy at the ends, a thin, fragile frame, and a bust that stood out noticeably, with C, perhaps even D cups. Louise glanced at her own chest, feeling the difference with her heavily padded B-cup, which felt more like an A. An image flashed in her mind.

A snapshot of Orla and Sean talking in the distance.

Another of them laughing loudly.

Siobhan kept talking and Louise caught the important bit. “…apparently she broke it off all of a sudden and that was that.” Siobhan paused, struggling to remember when exactly. “I think it was sometime in November, maybe? Anyway, you were still in Finland,” she explained, shrugging as if the two had been discussing the menu for the evening. Memories of Sean in Finland in December flooded Louise’s mind. The urgency of his coming to visit. Then his behaviour there.

All forgiving.

All loving.

The red roses at the airport.

Less than a month after his breakup with Orla, apparently. Suddenly it all made sense.

Why he never wanted to talk about Mat.

Why he wouldn’t listen to her.

The evening’s festive atmosphere couldn’t have felt more distant. She scoured her brain, going back months, years, searching for traces of Orla in the background. She wondered how much of the time they had spent together she had been Sean’s only girlfriend. And to think that she left Mat to give Sean a second chance.

“I’m so sorry, Louise, I honestly thought you knew…” Siobhan finally remarked, attempting to hug her, but Louise stopped her. Siobhan gave a shrug, then turned around, hearing someone calling her name. It was Aaro. It was time to cut the cake.

“I have to go, Louise, sorry…” Siobhan said, and just like that, she tiptoed back onto the dancefloor to her perfect Finnish husband, leaving Louise feeling betrayed like never before.

She retreated to the back of the canopy with a champagne bottle, hoping to drown out her misery. Mikko found her about a half an hour later with the bottle in one hand and her mobile phone in the other.

“Sorry I ruined your evening…” he almost whispered in a voice as if afraid for his life. “Please, don’t kill me!” He put his hands defensively in front of his face.

“Oh, this whole mess has nothing to do with you; I’m so sorry you got dragged into it,” Louise said, rubbing her eyes. Her mascara and eyeliner had smeared, although she hadn’t cried by that point.

“So, let me see if I understand correctly,” Louise started. She needed to get one more thing straight. “They had actually pitched me to you as some loser who got cheated on by her ex-boyfriend?” she asked in disbelief.

Mikko visibly blushed with embarrassment.

“No, not in those exact words,” he retorted, thinking of a way to get out of this in the politest way possible. He glanced around in search of chairs to sit down. But as Louise sat on the floor, he decided to join her. He sat down next to her, grabbing the champagne from her hand, taking a sip.

“Aaro only said you’re a really nice English teacher. I think he used söpö,“ he said softly. Louise shot a look of confusion, having no idea what that meant. She needed more champagne, so she reclaimed it and took another long sip.

“Which means cute…” he explained, glancing at the dark eyeshadow under her eyes which didn’t look right. She looked beautiful still, just a bit dramatic. Louise noticed him looking at her eyes suspiciously and immediately started rubbing underneath them. But her bare fingers were of no match to the waterproof mascara she’d applied hours ago.

“Then Siobhan added something about you not having much luck in love and something about a cheating ex,” Mikko explained, covering his eyes with his hand.

“And that’s really it,” he concluded.

“Anyway, I’m really sorry; I got the impression that you knew all about it,” he said in a questioning tone.

“Yeah, not me… Everyone else, though,” Louise replied, defeated. She stopped rubbing her eyes, wondering if she made any difference. She didn’t. She the champagne bottle again, but it was empty. For a second she had the urge to throw it and shatter it to pieces, but instead placed it on the floor beside her.

“I was completely in the dark,” she continued, staring into the distance past Siobhan and Aaro, giggling. Another kiss. Louise looked away; she couldn’t bear looking at it.

“You know what’s the worst part?” Louise asked. “I believed him. Actually, believed him. Even though I should have known better. I trusted him. Lied to someone for him. Left him for Sean…” Her heart started breaking again as she remembered Mat in front of the door that morning in Finland.

What an idiot.

“You know…” she said rather than asked after a while, rubbing her forehead.

“Oh, so, there’s someone else… I see… Is he here?” Mikko asked, intrigued, looking around. “I’d be more than happy to get the two of you married,” he said cheerfully, trying to make up for the blunder he caused.

Louise burst out laughing.

“Well, kiiiiitos,“ Louise said, drawing out the i’s, “but, no, he’s not here.” She looked around the canopy, trying to picture him there. They’d be sitting somewhere out of the limelight, giggling, talking. It would just be the two of them, in spite of the hundred people surrounding them. He’d kiss her and look at her just like Aaro kissed and looked at Siobhan.

No, even more lovingly.

She closed her eyes to fully immerse herself in the daydream that wasn’t meant to be.

“He’s in Finland actually,” she said, opening her eyes. She glanced down at her phone, her expression distant. Mikko followed her gaze.

“Ah, Suomalainen veli,“ he remarked. Louise looked at him with a big question mark on her face.

“Finnish brother,” he quickly translated.

“Ah…yes…” She gave a quick nod, smiling. “It’s complicated, though. He’s over there. I’m here.”

“Well, Aaro’s over here now…” He pointed towards Aaro and Siobhan, who appeared lost in each other’s eyes. Louise grazed over them and quickly returned to her phone.

“You could call him, you know. What if he’s sitting in Finland, looking at his phone, thinking the exact same thing?” he said, glancing at her looking down at the phone.

“No…He thinks I’m happily ever after with Sean.” She looked up to meet his gaze. “And he’s with this gorgeous Finnish lady anyway, ex-Miss Finland.” Mikko widened his gaze hearing that.

“Well, look, you won’t know if you don’t ask…I don’t know much about you, Louise, but I know you’re not with that lying piece of shit…,” he waited for Louise to say his name.

“Sean!” Louise almost shouted in disdain. Mikko smiled and a chuckle escaped Louise’s lips.

“Never again,” she stated firmly.

“Maybe he’s not with the model, either?” He shrugged. Louise turned to face him and gave Mikko a big hug. This stranger that had ruined her life only a couple of hours ago proved to be a sort of saviour in disguise.

“Kiitos,“ she said softly. “I think I’ll do just that...”

The waitress came over just then.

“Ice cream wedding cake?” she asked at the two of them holding out two dessert plates. Instinctively, Louise took one but quickly asked, “What kind of ice cream?”

“Vanilla,” the waitress responded, smiling, and Louise’s eyes turned into a glare. Without a word, she flipped the paper plate with the cake and started smashing it into the ground. The waitress pretended not to see it and disappeared from sight. Mikko laughed at Louise, still trying to beat the cake into a pulp.

“Not a fan of vanilla, I see?” He smiled.

“No. Done with vanilla ice cream for good,” Louise retorted perfectly calm.

“Söpö,“ he said, still smirking at the scene he had just witnessed. He was too afraid to eat his cake as a result. He stood up, offering Louise a hand to pick up her up.

“You know what, Mikko? I think I’ll stay here for a bit,” she said instead. “Thanks, though. You really helped.” She gestured for him to crouch down and gave him another hug.

“Nice meeting you, Louise,” Mikko whispered in her ear. “Best of luck with your other Finnish man.” Louise melted at his words and while anger had kept her from crying that day, tears finally crept up on her.

When she arrived home that night, Louise needed everything to be perfect. She took a long, scorching shower, washed her face, did a face peeling, applied cream, brushed her teeth, flossed, rinsed with mouthwash, and meticulously combed her hair, all the while avoiding the phone at the centre of her bed. After all that was done, she put on her pyjamas and climbed into bed. She grabbed her phone and typed three words without hesitation.

I miss you…XOXO

She put it away, but not a second later, her phone buzzed. Heart racing, she grabbed it, hope surging through her. However, the message she got wasn’t what she had expected.

I have cancer…





20





"Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect."





- Margaret Mitchell





For months, Marja had endured a persistent scratch in her throat, an incessant itch that seemed impervious to relief. She shrugged it off initially, attributing it to her sporadic flings with cigarettes. Her smoking habit was as erratic as a flickering flame—two packs of Marlboros at a party, followed by weeks of complete abstinence before surrendering once more to temptation.

Reluctantly, just before her departure for Ireland, Marja visited the doctor, hoping for a quick fix or, at the very least, some reassurance. However, the tests returned inconclusive results, leaving her in a state of limbo, suspended between hope and fear.

Deep down, Marja knew something was wrong, but couldn’t bring herself to face it. Instead, she pushed away those closest to her, including Juha, unwilling to burden them with her uncertainties and fears. In a moment of heart-wrenching clarity, she made the difficult decision to break up with him, knowing that she couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing her sick and vulnerable.

Upon her return from Ireland, an overwhelming fatigue engulfed her, far surpassing the usual post-party weariness. Though the revelry paled in comparison to the December nights spent with Louise, Marja found herself drained of energy. As the new school year commenced, each afternoon turned into naptime for her, reminiscent of her kindergarten days. And in the stillness of the night, she would awaken drenched in a clammy sweat, the sheets clinging uncomfortably to her skin.

By mid-August, her once snug jeans hung loosely on her frame, prompting questions about her supposed new diet. Her mother worried she had one of those bulimia or anorexia conditions.

Despite the mounting evidence, Marja remained paralyzed by fear, unable to confront the truth that lingered ominously in the recesses of her mind. It wasn’t until one unassuming Monday morning, as she delicately sipped her morning tea, that she could no longer ignore the symptoms.

A sudden fit of coughing seized her, similar to the one on the beach with Louise and others before. But this time, it refused to abate. And then, to her horror, the most frightening thing occurred that sent shivers down her spine.

She coughed up blood.



“It’s non-Hodgkin lymphoma, they say,” Marja explained.

“Non-Hopkins what?” Louise repeated incorrectly, her voice trembling with disbelief.

“Nooo, Non-Hodgkin lymphoma… Basically, it’s a cancer,” Marja enunciated slowly over the phone, the word cancer hitting Louise like a freight train crashing into a wall. Marja said it with a casualness that belied the gravity of the situation, as if she were ordering an espresso.

Louise sat in the living room alone, the phone resting in her lap, its cord trailing across the floor like a snake all the way from the hallway. Outside, the weather mirrored the turbulent emotions of their conversation, shifting from rain to sunshine, eventually settling into an overcast gloom.

“Oh, my God, Marja. I…” Louise struggled to find the right words, her heart pounding, her throat constricting with sorrow.

“It’s treatable, though, right?” Louise asked, her fists clenched in a silent plea for her friend’s well-being.

“They don’t know. Apparently, it’s stage IV… That’s not the best stage,” Marja replied with a wry chuckle.

She was laughing.

Louise couldn’t believe it.

“I’m starting chemotherapy next week and drowning in a sea of pills. So…Fun!”

Louise released her fists, her hand moving to cover her trembling lips as the first tears escaped her eyes.

“Anyway, my cancer doctor looks really cute... Dr. Giorgios!” Marja’s cheerful tone contrasted sharply with Louise’s shock.

“Dr. what?” Louise shrieked. “Seems fitting that someone with such a tongue-twisting name would treat such an unpronounceable disease. And trust you to flirt with the doctors while battling cancer,” Louise responded with a forced calmness.

“Well, I better make my move while I still have my hair,” Marja replied. Louise, teary-eyed, smiled and smoothed the top of her head, feeling her hair. She couldn’t imagine losing her mane-like long hair. But this wasn’t about her hair.

Or her.

She took a deep breath.

“Marja, you’ve got this! If anyone can get beat this, you can. Stay strong. You hear me?” Louise’s voice cracked with emotion as she choked back tears.

“Yes, I’ll be fine, don’t worry,” Marja said, her words concealing the fear behind them.

“Tell me about the wedding. How was it?” She changed the subject, seeking escape from the harsh reality of her diagnosis.

Louise hesitated, momentarily forgetting the wedding drama amidst the turmoil of Marja’s devastating news. “Ah, the wedding, yes. It was nice. Siobhan looked gorgeous, and they’re so in love…”

“So, pretty gross, I hear?” Marja joked, attempting to lighten the mood. Louise chuckled softly, her laughter tinged with sorrow.

“Oh, and about Sean… Turns out he was definitely cheating on me. Like quite full-on, he practically lived with another woman while I was in Finl-”

“Whaaaat?” Marja’s exclamation reverberated through the receiver, the distance between them momentarily forgotten in the intensity of their shared emotion.

“Yes, it’s way worse than we imagined. And probably even cheated on me before… Anyway, he’s definitely a bastard,” Louise finished and Marja followed up with yelling some Finnish swear words. Louise hadn’t processed any of it because her problems only related to the heart. Marja’s problems concerned her life.

“But enough about that…Have you told Juha?” Louise’s voice softened, concern for her friend outweighing her turmoil. It was Louise’s too. Marja was the only person she had at the time. She couldn’t lose her.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line before Marja spoke again.

“No, not yet… Don’t know if I should. He’ll feel guilty about leaving me, want to spend time with me out of pity…”

“Marja, you can’t go through this alone. You have to tell him,” Louise insisted, already planning to go back to Finland to be by her friend’s side.

“And sabotage my chances with Dr. Komea?“ Marja responded.

“Korea? What are you talking about?”

“Komea, it’s Finnish for handsome,“ Marja explained. Another pause followed. Louise didn’t know what to say and Marja didn’t know how to explain her actions or lack thereof.

“You can’t go through this alone, Marja,” Louise repeated sternly. She needed to find some cheap flights to Finland as soon as possible.

The paper. Her paper still needed much of her attention. She had to graduate by the end of the year.

“Don’t worry, Lucy, I’ve got my mom and dad and my sister. And my future husband, what do you call them? Onkologi?“ Marja smiled again. Louise shuddered at the word. Oncologist. Marja fought for her life.

“You’ll be fine, Marja! Email me tomorrow and every day after that, you hear?” Louise’s voice trembled with a mixture of hope and fear.

“Yes, Lucy!” Marja replied, her tone light, but Louise couldn’t shake the feeling of dread. The colour of the clouds outside changed to ominous leaden grey, almost black, and rain started to pour down.

As soon as Louise put the phone down, she walked over to the computer, booting it up and enduring the whirring and beeping of the dial-up connection. Finally online, she navigated to the AltaVista homepage, its bold logo dominating the screen in vibrant hues of blue and green. She typed in “stage IV non-Hopkins lymphoma” incorrectly.

Did you mean: non-Hodgkin lymphoma? the search engine prompted.

A bunch of blue-coloured links with titles appeared.

Understanding Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma—Stages of Progression

Stage IV non-Hodgkin lymphoma indicates that cancer has spread beyond the lymph nodes…

www.hodgkinnonlyphoma.com

Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma—Detailed Overview

Comprehensive resource on non-Hodgkin lymphoma including stages, types, treatments…

www.cancersite.com

Lymphoma Association—About Stage IV Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma

Dedicated to supporting patients and families affected by lymphoma…

www.cancercentre.com

Louise clicked on the first link and began to read: The five-year survival rate for stage four non-Hodgkin lymphoma has been estimated at around 50-60%. It is crucial…

She stopped, her heart sinking as the reality of Marja’s situation set in. Marja hadn’t disclosed the severity of her condition.

There was no stage V for cancer.

Stage IV was the last one.

In addition, she only had a fifty-fifty chance of making it to 2008. Which was five years away.

Five-year-survival rate.

She combed through over twenty websites, seeking answers, but each one only deepened her sense of helplessness. The harsh glow of the computer screen illuminated her face as she struggled to come to terms with the grim prognosis facing her dear friend.



From that day on, as soon as she finished with her evening classes and came home, Louise opened her Hotmail. And like clockwork, Marja’s updates awaited her, nestled among the familiar clutter of electronic messages.



Dear Louise,

I’m doing OK, still have all my hair (well, less than before) and still visit Dr. Komea almost every day. Have found out he’s not married and decided it’s meant to be. Wearing push-up bras and lacy panties to every chemotherapy treatment with more make up on than whenever we went out. Haven’t told Juha, don’t want him to worry about me. Please, don’t tell him. Hope to get back to work by the end of the month. The kids miss me. They sent the cutest little get-well cards. Will try and send them over one day. It takes forever to upload one and I gave up before.

Love, Marja





Louise chuckled at Marja’s spirit, the image of her friend flirting shamelessly with the doctor in her push-up bra painting a vivid picture in her mind. Despite the dreadful statistics found online, Louise chose to believe that she would be OK. She had to be.



Dear Marja,

Good to hear! You go and catch your doctor, girl, the one good thing about this disease. Thinking of you all the time and sending you so much positive and healing energy. Went to Saint Fin Barre’s Cathedral yesterday and lit a candle for you. I haven’t been in it since high school, just so you know. Also visited your maple tree in the park. The one you humped this summer, remember? Happy to report it is doing well. Nothing new happening here, still single, no cute doctor to flirt with. Handed in my paper to Dr. O’Reilly, hoping to graduate before the year ends. She said it might actually be possible. Hopefully not much to revise. Wish me luck! No handsome foreigners wanting to learn English at the language school. Aaro stopped coming and is apparently practicing his English with his new wife and doesn’t need the course anymore.

Couldn’t tell Juha if I wanted to, as I don’t have his number or email. But don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. Besides, soon you’ll be all right and it won’t be a secret anymore.

Love, Louise





As the weeks melted into one another, the days grew shorter and the leaves turned shades of crimson and gold, Louise found herself enveloped in a cocoon of worry and anticipation. Marja’s updates became a lifeline, a flickering beacon of hope in the encroaching darkness.



Dear Louise,

It happened. I’ve shaved my head as my hair just kept falling out and didn’t look very attractive. I’m wearing all kinds of cool, multi-colored scarves. I can tell that Dr. Komea has never seen anything like them. Chemo apparently didn’t work as much as he would have liked, so they’re doing some other type of therapy. Mom is concerned, but at least I get to see my handsome oncologi three or more times a week. I think he’s about to propose.

Love, Marja





Louise rushed to check the websites as to what other therapy there was. All the links were purple because she clicked them every so often. She found radiation therapy as an option. That didn’t sound too optimistic. She didn’t want to know if that was it. In her mind she wanted to keep Marja the way she described herself, a bit under the weather but coping, managing.

Surviving.



Dear Marja,

I’m devastated that the chemo didn’t work but I’m sure this other therapy will kick the not Hopkins or whatever stupid cancer in the butt! And great about the doctor, invite me to the wedding! Keep me updated! Thinking of you all the time, fingers crossed. Talk on the phone over the weekend?

Love, Louise





As September waned and the days started becoming shorter, Louise found herself consumed by thoughts of Marja. She’d spend her days researching non-Hodgkin lymphoma on AltaVista, praying under their maple giant in the park and reading and re-reading her messages. The worry nestled in the pit of her stomach and chest, a constant companion in the quiet moments between emails and phone calls. Despite Marja’s cheerful demeanour in their correspondence, a shadow lingered at the edges of Louise’s consciousness, whispering of impending doom.

Then one morning Louise woke up at 4am and had an unbearable feeling that she couldn’t breathe. It felt as if an obese person sat on her chest in the middle of the night. Covered in sweat, she barely calmed down and settled her breathing. An overwhelming sensation, a primal instinct urging her to reach out to Marja, came over her.

With trembling hands, she fumbled to her computer, the glow of the screen lighting up the dark room. She started typing quickly.



Dear Marja,

Had the strangest dream, woke up in the middle of the night. Are you OK? I know, this is silly, but let me know, please.

Love, Louise





As evening descended, Louise returned home to find her inbox empty, the absence of Marja’s familiar presence a gaping void in her life. Panic surged through her veins, driving her to reach out again and again, each unanswered message a testament to the silence that now enveloped her friend.



Hi,

Emailing you twice in one day, I know… Just making sure you’re OK. Let me know!

Love, Louise





With each unanswered call and text, the walls of Louise’s world closed in around her, a suffocating sense of helplessness threatening to overwhelm her.



Marja, please, tell me you’re OK.



Nothing.

She called, letting the phone ring until voicemail. She’d leave one message, then two, then three.

Nothing.

With a heavy heart, Louise paced the length of her room, the rhythmic sound of her footsteps echoing in the silence. Anxiety gripped her, squeezing the air from her lungs. Was there someone else she could contact in Finland? She racked her brain, searching for any shred of information that might lead her to Marja’s family.

Why didn’t she ask for their numbers?

Stupid!

She only knew Marja’s address in Helsinki, not that of her family. She searched through her phone in search of Juha’s number. She didn’t have it. Scouring through her contacts, her heart skipped a beat when she stumbled upon a familiar Finnish name amidst the sea of Irish ones.

Mat…

A surge of adrenaline coursed through her veins. Swiftly, she entered messages, but before she could draft her message, she noticed an unread one from him.

I miss you too… XOXO

“Oh, my God!” she cried out, grappling with the realization that she had overlooked it. She checked the date; it was the night of the wedding.

He’d replied straight away.

A mixture of regret and urgency propelled her to call him immediately.





21





"A real friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out."





- Walter Winchell





The phone kept ringing and just as Louise pressed the cancel button on her phone, she heard a familiar voice on the other end say ‘Hei’.

“Damn,” she muttered, quickly redialing, only to hear the busy signal. Frantically, she kept clicking the call button, but the line remained silent. Then a message popped up.

Lou, you’re busy. Call me when you can.

Louise couldn’t help but laugh. They had been playing a game of telephone tag, unintentionally causing the line to stay busy. She took a few deep breaths, then redialed the number for the eighth time, her heart pounding with anticipation. It only rang once before she heard his sweet voice again.

“Hi, Lou,” his voice said softly and although they had been separated by distance and time, Louise felt instantly transported back to the first floor flat in Kouvola, waking up next to him in bed. Darkness of the night dragged into the morning as she heard his groggy, raspy voice calling her ‘Lou’. She closed her eyes for a second, tracing her lips with her fingers, lost in the memory. When she opened her eyes, she spotted a pair of striped panties on the foot of the bed, which invoked another flush of memories. She quickly stuffed them in her jogger pocket.

This was not the time.

“Lou, you there?” This time his voice brought her back to the present, and she quickly regained her composure, deciding to stand up. She started pacing beside the bed, two slow steps to the right, then turning and taking two steps to the left.

“Yes, yes, sorry, I’m here,” she responded, her voice faltering slightly in her head as she added quietly, “…without you.”

“How are you? Where are you?” he asked.

“Oh, I’m good, good…I’m home...” she said, shrugging her shoulders.

“Nice…” he responded and then asked, “How’s Sean?”

Louise leaned against the wall, smiling at the ceiling. He actually said his name.

“I think OK…We’re not together anymore,” she admitted.

“Great, great…” Mat started not realizing what she had just said when, “Wait, you’re not together anymore?” soon followed in a curious tone.

“No, not together anymore…” Louise answered. Silence hung in the air, and Louise struggled to read his reaction.

Marja, a tiny voice in her head screamed.

She broke the silence by changing the subject and launching into a detailed explanation about Marja and her unexplained absence.

“That’s horrible, Lou,” Mat said, his voice filled with worry.

“I know, I know…Has Juha told you anything about her being sick?” Louise asked. “I’m really worried…” She peeled off the wall and started pacing again, her two steps and turns faster, making her slightly dizzy.

“No…We haven’t spoken about Marja in a while. I honestly don’t think he knows.”

Shit, Louise muttered under her breath. She hadn’t told him.

Feeling lightheaded, she flopped onto the bed.

They agreed Mat would call Juha, who’d call Marja’s sister in hopes of gathering any information about her. Louise knew she would betray her friend’s trust by telling Juha, but the biting concern for Marja’s well-being eclipsed the moral dilemma.

She needed to know she was OK.

They set to reconvene later that day on MISN, hoping Mat would have some updates by then. As their conversation neared its end, Louise whispered into the phone, her voice barely audible, “I do miss you…”

At first it seemed her confession of love lingered pointlessly in the air, remained in her room, and never made it all the way to Finland, unheard by Mat. But then, Mat’s response came through, his words carrying a weight of longing and unspoken emotions, “I miss you too, Lou…”

Then nothing. They both fell into a contemplative silence, the weight of their unspoken feelings, regrets hanging between them.

Marja, Louise’s voice whispered again.

This wasn’t about them.

This was about Marja.

“Well, talk to you soon,” she finally managed to say. Mat echoed her words once again, and with that, the call ended. Louise held the phone close to her chest, taking a deep, shuddering breath. The more her breathing became shallow and frantic, the less control she had over her tears and body. She couldn’t hold it together anymore. She started sobbing, collapsed beside the bed, overwhelmed by a wave of grief and helplessness. She cried uncontrollably, gasping for air as the realization of her distance from her loved ones and her inability to help them washed over her.

Lying on the floor defeated, she heard her mother’s voice calling out for her. She quickly wiped her tears with her sleeve, trying to compose herself.

“Come help me with the groceries,” she called again.

“I’m in here, Mom, be right there,” she called back, her voice cracking. As she entered the kitchen, still sniffling, her mother looked at her suspiciously.

“Are you sick? If so, get away from me, I can’t get sick right now. Me and Molly are going to the fair tomorrow,” Grace said, her tone stern. Louise stared back at her blankly.

She wanted to tell her. About Marja. About Mat. About the baby. The words lay there on the tip of her tongue, just waiting to come out.

“Well, come on then, help me put all of this away,” her mom said, looking at her suggestively before putting the milk and minced meat in the fridge. And the moment passed.

“Yeah, sorry. It’s just allergies, I guess. I’m fine,” Louise said and started helping to unpack the groceries, pushing aside the urge to spill her heart out.

But having deep, painful secrets and no one to tell them to weighed heavily on Louise, pressing down on her like a lead weight. She couldn’t keep them bottled up any longer; she was drowning in her own silence.

“Mom…” Louise’s voice shook a couple of hours later as the two sat in the living room watching Friends. It was the wedding episode, and Ross had just said Rachel’s name instead of Emily’s, which Grace found hillarious. Louise forced a smile, her entire world falling apart. The clock on the wall caught her attention, ticking away the time until the agreed meeting with Mat.

“Mom!” she repeated, this time louder, hoping to capture her attention.

“Yes, what is it, dear?” she said, half-turning, her eyes fixed on the TV.

“Mom…” Louise began again, her voice breaking with each breath. “I… might have to go back to Finland.”

“What’d you forget there, dear?” her mother replied, still engrossed in the show, her laughter filling the living room every few minutes. Louise shook her head.

“I didn’t forget anything, it’s just…Marja… You know? The friend I told you about?” Louise stared in front of her, almost imagining Marja before her. She remembered them watching Friends as well when she came. Marja sat in the same worn-down armchair as Mom now and Louise was on the sofa.

“She was here while you went to Ibiza… She’s ill, Mom, really, really ill…” Louise’s composure almost crumbled then as an image of bald Marja popped into her brain. Finally, her mother turned to face her, her expression softening as she saw the distress in Louise’s eyes.

“Oh, no… I’m so sorry, dear…” Louise’s mother’s words had a rare tenderness to them, her usual reserve momentarily melting away. Louise couldn’t recall the last time her mother had hugged her; it must have been so long ago. Instead, she remembered the absence of hugs.

When she got into a fight with Sally at school over something.

When she left for Finland.

When she came home.

Still, as her mother turned towards her, Louise instinctively reached out, expecting a comforting embrace. But her mother didn’t go in for a hug, instead she briefly patted her daughter on the shoulder. Strangely, it didn’t hurt Louise any more than she was already hurt. This is what the McCarthy girls did when in pain. They erected walls around them that kept emotions at bay. And Louise’s mom had an impenetrable wall built around her.

“Do you really need to go, Louise?” she asked. “It will only make you hurt even more. There’s nothing you can do if she’s sick…You know? What is it, cancer?” Her mother’s voice carried a mix of concern and resignation. She stood over Louise with her hand on her shoulder, peeking every other second at the TV. Louise was taken aback by her mother’s dismissive tone, but before she could respond, her mother continued with her meaning-well-sounding-terrible speech.

“I’m sure she’ll be all right…And it’s so far away, Louise…” Just then, apparently, something hilarious occurred on Friends again and Grace burst out laughing yet again. Enraged, Louise rose abruptly, storming out of the room and retreating to her room.

“Oh, come back, Louise. Don’t be like this. You know I mean well. I’m only thinking of you,” her mother called after her, but Louise didn’t respond. She looked at the time. Quarter to five. She connected to the internet and clicked on the butterfly logo to open the MSN chat. She scrolled through her contacts and located Mat, his status indicating as Online. Without waiting for their agreed-upon time, she double clicked on his name, opening the conversation window. The chat window displayed messages from their past exchanges from months ago when she was still there. In Finland. They often chatted during the week while Louise was still in Helsinki and Mat was in Kouvola. The last thing she wrote was,

Have to go. Marja’s made spaghetti for dinner. XOXO

She vividly recalled the scene before Christmas. Louise’s fingers hovered over the keyboard. Desperate for answers, she typed with urgency.

Sorry, couldn’t wait until five… Any news?

As she typed, her mother’s voice intruded from the living room, calling her to return.

“I’m sorry, OK?” she heard her shout. “Bloody go to Finland if that’s what you want. I’m just saying it might not be such a good idea for you,” her mom continued.

Louise bristled, her frustration mounting as she tried to focus on the conversation on the screen.

“All right, we’ll talk later, Mom,” she said, tuning her out and concentrating on the words on the screen as Mat’s response appeared.

It’s not good, Lou. She’s at the hospital. Juha went over there as soon as he heard. He didn’t know, he found out from me...

The words hit Louise like a physical blow.

When is she getting out? What’s going on? Louise typed, her fingers shaking from the shock.

I’m sorry, I don’t know. Juha will call me as soon as he finds out more. Mat replied straight away.

Just that she’s been in the hospital for over a week.

A wave of panic washed over Louise; her chest tightened as she struggled to breathe. She forced herself to take slow, deliberate breaths, willing herself to remain calm.

When will you know more? Oh, Mat, I’m so worried about her…

As she awaited his response, wooziness came over her again, the stress and anxiety threatening to overwhelm her. She felt as if she was about to pass out right there, sitting in front of the computer screen. If only Mat could be here with her, or she could be there with Marja. If only they weren’t separated by distance and circumstances.

Lou, I’m sure she’ll be all right. She’s at the hospital. They’re taking good care of her. I’ll let you know as soon as I know more.

Before she could respond, her mother’s voice interrupted, breaking the fragile bubble of solitude she had created.

“Louise, get off the bloody computer. I’m trying to call Molly. We’re going to that fair in Cobh tomorrow morning,” she almost hissed, clearly annoyed. She couldn’t use the phone if Louise was on the internet.

“Yes, Mom, in a second,” Louise replied.

I have to go… Mat, please let me know as soon as you know. Email me, text me, call me, anything…

With a stone in her heart, Louise rose from the chair and headed back to the living room.

“Finally,” Louise’s mom said with the phone in her hand.

“Where are you going?” she shouted after seconds later, seeing Louise put on her jacket.

“Out!” Louise retorted before slamming the door.

She bolted onto the street, thinking what to do. A car horn blared as she narrowly escaped getting hit by a car; she hadn’t looked right before crossing the street. Instinctively, she started walking fast towards the centre. Before she knew it, she found herself standing in front of a tourist agency with a big, red lit-up sign above the entrance. Louise didn’t really notice it; her eyes were drawn to a redhead with glasses sitting alone behind the counter reading a book. She tilted the book slightly up revealing a beautiful, sky-blue cover. Louise pressed her face closer to the window so she could make out pine trees covered in snow stretching up towards the sun on a bright day. For Louise, it screamed Finland.

Drawn inside, she entered the brightly lit room and walked over to the redhead, who remained oblivious of Louise’s presence with her nose deep in the book. When Louise approached the counter, she could see a couple dozen or more books stacked behind the counter.

“Love to read, huh?” Louise asked. The redhead finally glanced up, looking startled by Louise standing in front of her.

“Oh, I must have lost track of time. What time is it?” she asked smiling, looking in the direction of a large clock in the same red colour as the sign outside.

“Oh, sorry, you’re probably closed already. It’s past six,” Louise responded, following her eyes to the clock.

The redhead corrected her glasses and closed the book. She looked like she could be everyone’s best friend, the kind of person everyone loved. “Yeah, I sometimes pick up a book on a slow day… Lost track with this one.” She tapped on the striking blue cover before putting the book away under the desk with the rest. Louise tried to remember the last time she’d read a book. Well, apart from the academic stuff she read for her paper. And the bunch of medical encyclopaedias she’d hoarded last week.

Marja!

“I need a plane ticket,” Louise blurted out before the book lover could ask her to leave.





22





“It's never the changes we want that change everything.”





– Junot Diaz





Louise skimmed through the medical book.

By the time a person reaches stage IV, the symptoms can become more pronounced and varied due to the involvement of other organs. This could manifest as persistent fatigue, increased susceptibility to infections, anaemia, shortness of breath, or severe abdominal or bone pain, depending on where the cancer has spread. The treatment approach for stage IV NHL is more aggressive than for the earlier stages. This could involve a combination of therapies, including high-dose chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Targeted drug therapies and immunotherapies, which use the body’s immune system to combat cancer cells, might also be considered, depending on the specific subtype of NHL and the patient’s overall health…

“She’ll be OK!” she repeated vehemently to herself.

“She has to be,” she added quietly, and checked her phone. Ten messages waited for a reply from Marja. Fifteen hours had passed since she and Mat chatted and no news. Louise glanced at the clock in the kitchen. She needed to be at the college in less than an hour. She put the blue book back on the pile, grabbed her bag with dissertation notes and ran out the door with a knot in her stomach. Louise had hoped to graduate by November, but the month approached with lightning speed, and the drama unfolding in her personal life prevented her from working on it for some time now. She would have graduated by now if it wasn’t for

Sean.



Mat.



The baby.



Marja.





If she would have deleted the whole year, perhaps. She would have definitely graduated by now in that case.

“Miss McCarthy, we ought to have been reviewing your final draft months ago. How far along are you?” Louise shifted nervously in the chair opposite her professor.

“Yes, I was hoping to finish by now as well, but some things have come up... I’m so so-” Louise said in a faltering voice, her gaze dropping to her trembling hands. Just then, her phone beeped.

“I’m really sorry, it’s sort of an emergency,” she murmured and checked her phone.

When can we talk on MSN? I have news, Mat wrote.

In an hour? Louise quickly replied, before looking up at the professor, clearly becoming annoyed. She cleared her throat, mouthing sorry again, then repeated the word out loud.

“Look, I’ll just come out and ask…” she said, interlocking her fingers in a prayer position in her lap. “When is the final deadline if I want to graduate this year? In December?” Louise asked in a pleading voice.

The professor sighed, adjusting her red reading glasses before consulting her planner on the desk.

“I don’t know…” She started flipping the pages.

“Look, the best I can give you is middle of November. I will need the full paper by then, though. And hopefully it won’t need revision. Do you understand?” She looked at Louise with a firm gaze.

“November 15th, then! Full paper, no revisions necessary. Clear!“ Louise confirmed, extending her hand. The professor looked at her oddly without giving her a handshake and Louise awkwardly left her office. November 15th was almost two months away.

Once home, she was quick to log onto MSN.

Home now, are you there? she typed.

Hi… He replied instantly, but the words that followed struck her like a blow to her chest.

She’s not well, Lou… Mat’s message scrolled across the screen. Images of Marja, full of life and vibrancy, now pale and frail, flashed before her eyes mixed with the words from the encyclopaedia returned to Louise’s mind.

…This could manifest as persistent fatigue, increased susceptibility to infections, anaemia, shortness of breath, or severe abdominal or bone pain…

Is she in pain, Mat? she asked, sensing the knot from her stomach move higher to her oesophagus, making it difficult to swallow.

No, she’s not in pain… They’ve put her to sleep for now. She’s in a coma…

Louise gasped for air. Mat continued.

This way she’s not in pain and they’re giving her medicine to fight the cancer. The doctors are doing everything they can. Mat reassured her, but words offered little solace. As the keyboard fell silent, Louise felt a wave of numbness come over her. She sat in stunned silence, grappling with the reality of the situation unfolding before her. She couldn’t do anything, but she had to do something.

I’m coming!!! she finally typed.

It took only a few seconds before Mat replied.

Great! Just tell me when.

She smiled with tears in her eyes. Despite the sombre reason for her return—Marja’s illness—she found solace in the fact that she was heading to the last place where she’d felt happiness. And back to the man she loved.

A couple of days later, as Grace drove her daughter to the airport, she repeated for the umpteenth time, “This isn’t a good idea, Louise,” in her typical stone-cold voice. Her words etched with concern as raindrops tapped a melancholy rhythm against the windshield.

“It’ll break your heart, dear.”

“You can’t do anything for her anyway.”

“It’s her battle, not yours.”

Louise sat in silence, her gaze fixed on the blurred world outside the window. She wondered if it had already snowed in Finland.

Just as the car rolled to the stop at the airport, Louise turned to her mom, a mixture of gratitude and determination in her eyes. “Thanks, Mom, love you,” she murmured, her voice soft against the hum of the engine.

Before she could step out into the downpour, she leaned closer to her again, pulling her into a gentle hug.

“I know you don’t understand,” she whispered, her voice soft, “but I really need to see her, Mom.” She paused for a sigh.

“Especially if it’s the last time. You know?” She raised her shoulders. She could see Mom’s eyes glistening with tears. She didn’t respond but nodded gently.

She understood.





Part III


Finland 2003





23





"Life is tough my darling, but so are you."





- Stephanie Bennet Henry





Louise found herself in Finland for the second time in her life, exactly a year and three days after her first time. Vantaa Airport greeted her with the same crispy and sunny autumn day. The landscape outside looked the spitting image of the one a year ago, with the occasional deciduous tree shedding its vibrant leaves among the pines.

Rushing to the baggage claim, Louise retrieved her worn-down backpack and hurried towards the exit, her mind preoccupied with thoughts of Marja. She barely spared a glance at her reflection in the airport restroom mirror, hastily fixing her mascara and applying some lip gloss before continuing her mission.

She didn’t need to look for him long after she cleared border control. His height and the unmistakable broad shoulders made him nearly impossible to miss in any crowd. As she got closer, she noticed the little things that, unlike his height and shoulders, only Louise loved. His hands always in the pockets of his faded jeans, his light brown stubble barely visible, and a familiar grey jumper with a shirt subtly peeking out from beneath.

Louise, petite and almost concealed by her huge backpack, wasn’t easy to spot in a crowd and she spent several moments observing him in secret before making herself visible. But as soon as Mat spotted her, his arms opened wide, and he pulled her into a tight embrace. She put her face in his chest, letting the familiar scent of him wash over her.

“Moikka,” he greeted her warmly.

“Hei, hei!” she reciprocated, immediately overwhelmed by the split-second hug they carefully shared. She had missed him but only then realized how much so.

Marja.

As soon as Marja’s mom found out about Louise coming back, she insisted that Louise stay at Marja’s place, just like before. “Marja wouldn’t mind,” Mat told Louise, relaying her words.

Mat made all the arrangements, because Marja’s mom spoke very little English. All communication went through Juha, who had been at the hospital every single day since he found out. Louise hadn’t met Marja’s mom the year before, but from what Marja had shared, she seemed like the perfect mom. Louise would often hear them talking on the phone, exchanging kisses before hanging up, and the regular I love you’s.

“You could also stay with me if you want to,” Mat offered nonchalantly as he drove Louise to Marja’s. Louise only planned to stay in Finland for two weeks at most. She needed to finish her paper. Surely, Marja would be better by then.

Or dead, a tiny voice deep inside her added. She chose to ignore it.

“No, no, I’ll be fine… And Kouvola is almost two hours away. I do want to spend as much time as possible with her, you know?” she responded, imagining sitting next to Marja in the hospital, chatting, playing Uno like they used to. She completely blocked out the part about Mat telling her that they had put Marja in a coma.

“Sure you’ll be OK on your own?” Mat asked.

“Yes, don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ll be in the hospital with Marja, so not really on my own.” She patted Mat’s thigh instinctively, like she used to before realizing it. He glanced down at her hand, then into her eyes before quickly returning his gaze to the road ahead. Louise blushed. Although her mind had been preoccupied with Marja at all hours of the day and night, suddenly all she felt was an overwhelming need to touch him. He smiled slightly but didn’t say anything. When they arrived at Marja’s place, Mat quickly grabbed her backpack out of the boot.

“What the hell, Louise, you going backpacking through Europe?” he asked, barely lifting it up. She smiled, playfully slapping him on the shoulder like she used to do all the time.

“Just give it to me, I’ll take it upstairs,” she said, motioning to him to give her the large backpack.

“No, it’s fine. I do a bit of weight training. I can handle it,” he grunted.

“Oh, yeah?” Louise asked, looking at his arms and smiling. His wink was all the answer she needed, and they both smiled lightly.

By the time they climbed to the fourth floor, Mat almost regretted bringing up her backpack, panting as if he had just run a marathon.

“Lou, remind me not to travel anywhere with you,” he huffed, shooting a playful glare at the massive backpack.

“Can’t imagine what you had with you last time when you stayed six months,” he said. Louise remembered he didn’t take her and her three suitcases, one the size of her, to the airport last time.

“Come in, let me make you tea or coffee or something,” Louise proposed. Mat nodded in agreement, following her inside.

Louise entered the place with the ease of someone returning home. More memories came back to her. Memories of things she had missed without being aware of it. In the kitchen, the scent of Marja’s favourite tea—cranberry—filled the air. The playful magnets on the fridge—with the new one that Marja brought back from Cork only a few months ago.

Taking charge, Louise prepared the tea with ease, knowing exactly where to find everything and freshly made tea was in front of Mat before he even managed to sit down.

The living room sofa still had the same colourful throw pillows Louise and Mat threw on the floor the couple of times they made love there. Everything looked unchanged. For a moment, the worry about Marja’s illness seemed to fade away. In this almost parallel reality of shared memories, Louise momentarily forgot the stark reality in the comforting embrace of her friend’s flat. She wasn’t ill. She was at the school or somewhere. And Mat was here with her. Sitting next to her, his legs almost touching hers, his smell filling the room, clashing with the fruity scent of the tea. And suddenly, completely different feelings started taking over her. Feelings she had buried deep under everything else but they were quick to rise. A surge of desire mingled with guilt.

“OK, enough,” she said, as he still teased her about the backpack. He playfully bumped his leg on hers, causing her leg to sway a bit.

“What?” he asked. “What am I doing?” he continued in his deep voice, all innocent.

Louise looked away, then glanced at him again, immediately looking away again, blushing. She couldn’t bear looking at him.

If she looked at him, she’d kiss him.

And if she kissed him, they’d be naked in a matter of seconds.

And if they were naked in a matter of seconds, he’d be inside of her in a matter of a minute.

She wanted him inside her so badly.

“Be right back…” Louise excused herself, dashing to the bathroom. She put her hands under ice-cold water, letting them turn almost bright red. Checking her watch, she noted that they still had a good hour before going to the hospital. Visions swirled intermittently in her head.

Mat’s lips meeting hers.

Marja without hair.

Her sitting on Mat’s lap.

Marja coughing in a hospital bed.

Mat on top of her.

Marja in a hospital gown, asleep.

Mat’s head between Louise’s legs.

Marja, pale with an IV needle in her arm.

Louise vigorously splashed her face and the nape of her neck.

“So, I was thinking...” she said, fixing her hair on her way back. “We still have time…I’m starving, I could eat something.” She returned to the kitchen, carefully avoiding eye contact.

“Sure, shall we make something?” Mat asked, looking at the stove. Louise followed his gaze and slowly walked over to the fridge, inspecting its contents. There was some food in it, some lettuce, tomatoes, zucchini. She found it comforting. Interpreted it that either Marja hadn’t been in the hospital for long or her mom expected her to come home any day now and stocked the fridge on a regular basis. She ignored the logical explanation that the food was bought on her behalf. Opening the freezer, she found frozen mincemeat, chicken, and burger patties.

“Well, there’s loads of vegetables in here, but no meat,” she lied, aware that she couldn’t control herself much longer if she remained alone with him.

“I’m craving a burger, cheeseburger,” she exclaimed, moving back to the kitchen table.

“Sure,” Mat replied, looking at the almost full cup of tea in front of him. His eyes then noticed her pink hands.

“Have you burnt your hands on something?” he asked puzzled, glancing at the untouched cooker.

“No, it must be the freezer, set to the max freezing temperature,” she deflected, rubbing her hands together. Her answer made no sense, but Mat didn’t pry any further. He left the steaming tea in the middle of the table and went to put on his coat as Louise already waited by the door eager to get out.



Just outside the building, Louise remembered to search for the maple tree Marja had talked about that night in the park. Sure enough, it soared just outside the front door, majestic and beautiful, almost having lost its yellow and orange leaves in autumn.

Just like Marja had lost her hair.

She touched its rough bark gently, smiling, and reminiscing about Marja humping its distant cousin in Ireland. As they strolled towards McDonald’s a few blocks away, Louise admired the city she had fallen in love with a year ago. It looked the same as it did then, its colourful buildings along the streets, the red trams hurrying left and right—it all felt achingly familiar. Young blondes in cropped tops and low-waist jeans, their navels exposed by the open coats they wore, passed them by. It was only September, but she remembered they would wear those same outfits in the dead of winter as well and tightened her raincoat around her. Mat walked beside her in silence, thinking she must have been preoccupied with worry about Marja.

An hour later, they sat at McDonald’s, wrapping up their meal. Louise had only managed two bites of her desired cheeseburger and eaten a total of four chips. She wasn’t hungry. She stirred her Coca-Cola with her straw nervously, all the while avoiding direct eye contact. Mat, who wasn’t that hungry, ate a hamburger small enough to fir in the palm of his hand and then finished the rest of Louise’s order.

“You on a diet, Lou?” he asked, patting his overstuffed belly. “Since when has one French fry been enough for you?” he continued.

“We say chips…“ Louise whispered, and Mat started chuckling.

“Ah, there’s the English teacher I know. What was that? Three hours? Before you started correcting my English? And here I’m thinking I was so clever, saying fry not fries.”

She started laughing, and for the first time that day, she met and lingered on his eyes. A pang of longing grew inside of her.

He was the one.

The love of her life.

Just then, Mat’s phone rang, ending the shared moment. The screen flashed Juha. Louise listened carefully but only made out the ‘nes’ and ‘jos’, the Finnish words for yes, the rest was gibberish.

“Olemme matkalla,” Mat ended the phone call. “Let’s go, Juha’s at the hospital with Marja’s sister,” he said in a serious tone.

“That means we’ll get to see her, right?” Louise asked in an assertive tone.

“Yes, they’ve spoken to the staff about us coming,” Mat said in his signature calm voice that would get her through everything in the future. Immediately, Louise felt foolish and guilty for feeling anything other than worry and fear for Marja. She hadn’t come to Finland for Mat—she came for Marja.



As soon as they arrived at the hospital, Juha and a woman who looked almost identical to Marja greeted them in the cold, milk-white corridor. They looked distraught, the bags under their eyes testifying to their exhaustion and worry. It was clear that Marja’s condition was dire. Sitting on her bed playing Uno became unimaginable and Louise feared the worst.

Just as they finished with introductions, an older, grey-haired man with dark eyebrows and a round belly hanging over his trousers approached them. He had on a white robe and a stethoscope around his neck.

“Dr. Giorgios,” he introduced himself confidently. Stunned, Louise looked up and down at the podgy man in disbelief.

“Dr. Komea?” Louise almost shouted.

This was Marja’s handsome future husband?





24





"The future is uncertain, but the end is always near."





- Jim Morrison





As soon as the words Dr. Komea left Louise’s lips, ‘mitä’ echoed in the group with Marja’s sister, Juha, the doctor, and Mat turning, puzzled, towards Louise.

Louise immediately grasped that she lied.

She lied about that too.

“What?” Mat repeated in English, staring at Louise.

“Sorry, sorry, nevermind… How is Marja?” she asked fearfully.

The doctor looked at the sister, seeking a silent approval to disclose Marja’s condition. After receiving a nod, he turned back to the group.

“We’ll see, the next couple of days are crucial,” he said, shrugging. The group agreed in silence, their heads staring at the floor. A man pushing a woman in a wheelchair passed them by. She wore a scarf over her head, hiding her bald scalp. Louise tried her hardest not to stare at her, seeing Marja in her.

“Can we please see her?” Louise asked in a pleading voice.

The doctor looked anxious, sighed uncomfortably. Mat started talking in Finnish, something about Irlanti, pointing at Louise. Probably explaining that she came from Ireland to see Marja. When he stopped talking, the really-not-handsome doctor reluctantly nodded. Following his subtle nod, two nurses took charge, leading Louise and Mat through a maze of corridors to an area that seemed even more sterile. They entered a small room. The antiseptic scent filled the air, and the nurse instructed them to thoroughly wash their hands and rub with a disinfectant solution. Once done, they were provided with protective gowns and white slip-on shoes. A distant beeping of machines echoed in the background. Louise’s heart raced as they went through the process, realizing playing Uno cards with Marja was further away than the moon at this point. No, Pluto.

As soon as they opened the door, the incessant beeping of machines got much louder. Louise wasn’t prepared, as no one could be prepared for such a sight. A body lay on the bed, a bald, little man’s body. His chest rose and fell as the machine pumped air into his lungs. Louise noticed a bunch of machines beeping, each in their own rhythm, causing a cacophony. A monitor with a number of wavy lines and what seemed like hundreds of IVs in the man’s arms.

The nurse dressed in protective gear that resembled an astronaut’s suit said cheerfully, “Miten menee, Marja?” walking over to the bed and patting the man on the forehead.

Louise blinked, trying to reconcile the image before her.

“That’s not Marja…” she whispered, putting her hand over the mask, her cracking.

“That’s not her, that can’t be her,” she repeated ever louder, turning to Mat. “Mat, tell me that’s not her, that’s not Marja.”

Mat, holding back his own tears, tried to comfort her gently. “It’s her, Louise...” Standing behind her, he put his hand on her shoulder in an attempt to console her. But she kept repeating ‘it isn’t her’ like a broken record, her head in disbelief.

“It’s not her, it’s not her...”

Finally, the nurse said something to Mat in Finnish. He gently turned Louise around to face him and put both his hands on her shoulders.

“Louise, you need to calm down.” He stared straight into her eyes.

Louise kept shaking her head.

“Marja might hear you...” He looked in Marja’s direction.

“She’s not well, Lou. This could be the last time you see her...” he said calmly.

Louise stopped shaking her head, meeting Mat’s eyes.

This isn’t her, she screamed in her head.

Memories flooded her mind, memories that couldn’t be reconciled with this picture of Marja.

The two of them on the ferry to Stockholm.

The two of them dancing the night away.

The two of them at Myrtleville Beach.

The two of them in the park in Cork under the full moon.

No one told Louise then that it would be the last time she’d be with her best friend.

No one told her she’d lose her as well.

No one prepared her for this.

And Louise wasn’t ready.

“You have to be strong for Marja, Louise. You know?” Mat continued gently shaking her by the shoulders.

Quietly, Louise’s defiance melted into agreement. Slowly, she approached the bed and took one of Marja’s hands. It was twice as big as before, swollen beyond recognition.

“It’s me, Marja, Louise. I’m here...” she whispered and gently caressed her hand, thinking of what to say.

The nurse discreetly stepped out, and Mat followed after her without Louise noticing.

“I met your Dr. Komea today... He’s such a looker, Marja, you definitely have to bag that one.” Her voice trembling.

“You’re such a lucky girl, I’m jealous…” She squeezed her hand.

“Mat’s here with me… Yeah, I know… We will so go on a double date with your handsome doctor when you get out. Me with my lawyer and you with your doctor,” she said, smiling through the tears.

“I love you…” she whispered in her ear, squeezing her hand strongly and just sat in silence for a while. In the silence, she finally observed her lifeless body, catching a glimpse of her inside. But with the robotic sounds of the machines attached to her, she worried her friend was no longer really there.

A few moments later, the nurse and Mat returned to the room. It was time for Louise to leave. Visitors couldn’t stay for longer than a couple of minutes if that.



Even though Mat intended to drive back to Kouvola that day, he spent the night sleeping on the sofa. Louise couldn’t let him leave. Seeing the state she was in, Mat couldn’t leave her either. They spent the next day walking Helsinki with Louise reminiscing about her first day in Finland the year before and all the memories she had shared with Marja. Mat called Juha, who then called Marja’s sister to find out if there was any way they could see Marja again on Saturday. They both knew deep down she slipped away with every hour but they couldn’t voice it. Saying it out loud would mean accepting it, and they couldn’t do that. Louise’s oesophagus felt tighter by the minute and her left hand itching, at times burning. They’d walk, and she’d feel all happy, because she had, in a way, returned home when she had been away for so long. Then all of a sudden she’d start crying because the sight of Marja in the white room came flooding back. And Mat was there for her as he would be so many times later, her rock in time of need. As they walked around Helsinki, suddenly they found themselves at the place where they met for the first time—in the harbour.

“I remember this…” he said as they looked at a queue of people waiting to board the ferry in the harbour. “You had that thin raincoat and looked almost frozen.” Mat smiled. Louise chuckled.

“And I saved you with my scarf,” he added gallantly.

“Ah, yes, the heroic story of you saving me from the cold,” Louise retorted, touching her bare neck.

“You threw it away?” Mat asked, noticing she didn’t have it.

“No, no, I still have it, must have forgotten to bring it with me,” she replied, thinking about it. He glanced at her suspiciously.

“What, you want it back?” Louise stared at him then.

“No, you keep it, Lou. It’ll always remind you of me.”

He gazed at the ferry leaving the harbour. A couple stood looking over the railing. They waved at Mat and Louise. The two waved back.

Louise paused before saying, “Do I need it to remind me of you?” She held her gaze on his beautiful eyes and wouldn’t let him go, although on the couple on the ferry.

“I don’t know, Lou, don’t you? You don’t want a little something to remind you of me, of the good times we had? We had fun, didn’t we? In between all the drama…” he said softly.

Louise dipped her head, then looked up again, following his gaze out to the sea.

“Well, yeah, sure… But if,” she started gently, “I’m here with you…” her voice cracked at the end of the sentence, “then maybe I don’t need anything to remember you by… You know?” She looked to the ground again, waiting for his response. He went quiet for a while. Louise scratched her aching left hand, remembering the butterfly needle in Marja’s hand.

“Yes, never mind, lovely to have the sca-” she started rambling when she felt Mat’s lips on hers. Her body trembled at his touch. She opened her lips to let him in deeper, craving more. But only a minute later, Louise put her hand gently on his chest and slightly pressed onto it to break the kiss. She looked like she gasped for air when she took a breath in through the mouth. Reality hit her once again.

“Sorry, I just feel so much pain here.” She pointed at her chest, taking deep breaths. Mat put his arm around her.

“Are you OK, Lou?” he asked, worried.

“I’m fine,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s just nerves…with everything happening with…Marja,” she continued, dropping her head into his lap, feeling defeated.

“Will she be OK, Mat? Tell me she’ll be OK… I can’t lose her...”

Mat started stroking her hair but didn’t say anything. Louise went quiet as well for a while. Eventually, she said, “You can’t tell me that…” she said looking up at him, seeing him agree in his eyes, though he said nothing.

“I know…” she almost whispered as both their eyes filled with tears. They sat there in silence, looking out at the sea, watching the sunset and their ferry leave for Stockholm.



By the time they got back to Marja’s place, it was already dark out. Mat kept his distance and hadn’t attempted kissing her again since the moment on the pier. The physical pain, although all in her head, felt real and made it challenging for Louise to think of much else. They called Juha again in the evening, checking if it would be possible to see Marja on Sunday, but only got a tentative yes for Monday.

Later that night, just as Mat started to drift into sleep on the sofa, Louise came out of the bedroom barefoot, with a blanket wrapped around her.

“Will you sleep with me, please?” she asked in a raspy voice that made it clear she had been crying.

“But not, you know, sleep with me… Like actually sleep,“ she continued. The full moon’s light penetrated the window, highlighting Louise’s shape. She looked broken, but still beautiful. She lost much of her curves due to the stress and her hair had lost its shine, but to Mat, she was still the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen.

Without a word Mat stood up and took her back to the bedroom by her hand. They lay together, him behind her, embracing her tightly with his long arms, inhaling deeply her scent. And almost immediately, her breathing slowed down, and she drifted off to sleep while Mat kept holding her tightly, not letting her go.

“So, tell us, Marja, how did you two meet?” Louise asks, looking at Mat sitting next to her. Marja is sitting in Dr. Komea’s lap wearing a shiny black dress and a red scarf on her head, hiding her baldness. Dr. Komea is wearing a white doctor’s coat and a light blue shirt underneath that looks like it’s about to pop anytime at his midsection, hiding his bulging stomach. They are sitting in a busy restaurant in the evening. Marja seems completely enamoured with the doctor, kissing him on the neck, tickling him while Louise and Mat look at them in disbelief. No one else appears to notice them.

“He was my doctor,” Marja says playfully, flicking him on the nose. Louise looks around at all the other people eating dinner. No one seems to notice what’s going on. All of a sudden, Marja can’t breathe anymore. Both Mat and Louise gasp for air, worried for her, looking around for help but everyone just keeps eating and talking as if they are invisible. Dr. Komea, completely calmly, lays Marja down on the floor and begins to administer an IV into her arm.

“This should help,” he says sternly.

Louse jolted up in bed. The sun was already out, playing a game of hide and seek with the clouds. It would hide momentarily before the wind revealed it again.

“Mat, Mat…” she whispered and began shaking him, then looked down at her left hand and started it.

“What?” Mat murmured, his voice groggy.

“I think she’s gone, Mat, she’s gone…” she whispered, her breaths faster as her chest seemed to loosen.

“I’m not in pain anymore…I can breathe,” she said. She felt relief at first, soon followed by devastation, when the reason behind her relief hit her.

“She’s gone,” she repeated quieter. Tears started streaming down her face as she repeated the words over and over. Mat began to hush her, pulling her into his chest. The pain that had before consumed her body vanished suddenly, leaving in its wake profound sadness in her heart.

They got up and had breakfast, the only sound being Louise’s occasional sniffles. Neither spoke. Outside, the day unfolded beautifully. Suddenly, an orange maple leaf, carried by the wind, landed on the windowsill. The second Louise saw it, she knew it was Marja. She had come to say goodbye. Lost in thought, the phone rang and jolted her back.

Mat answered, pacing, repeating ‘jo’ and ‘kylla’. Louise recognized the voice on the other end and knew the message.

“She’s not in pain anymore…” Mat said softly.

Louise shrugged and nodded in silence as she had known hours before Juha and Mat confirmed it. Marja’s heart had stopped beating early in the morning hours. For a moment, Louise seemed OK, but then she broke down, sobbing uncontrollably again. Mat rushed over to her as devastation overwhelmed her.

“Mat, please,” she pleaded, pulling him closer. “Make me feel something else.”

He reciprocated her urgency, planting kisses on her head, cheeks, neck, and shoulders. Her pained cries gradually turned into moans as she opened herself to him, shutting down the grief in her heart and sorrow in her mind, giving way to the pleasure of his familiar, loving touch. Mat carried her back into the bedroom, and she felt as though she’d been transported one year back in time, to when they stole kisses and moments of love and passion while Marja was at school meetings or somewhere out. Any moment now, Marja would come through the door, barge through the bedroom door, see them naked, and exclaim ‘anteeksi’ in shock at the sight, quickly closing the door.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt….Anyway, off to…meet a friend in the centre, have…fun, you two,” she’d say, her voice fading as she moved away.

But this time, no one interrupted them.



The funeral took place a few days later at the Hietaniemi Cemetery in Helsinki. The scent of damp earth from the rain that started in the afternoon on the day she died stopped the night before the funeral, mingled with the crisp, sunny autumn air. Marja’s grave nestled under an oak tree, which at first seemed inappropriate to Louise. Then, looking down at her resting place, she noticed a few maple leaves sprinkled around Marja’s grave. She turned slightly to the left and there it was—a majestic maple overlooking Marja forever.

Many mourners gathered around the grave, but none looked as broken as her mom and sister, closely matched by Louise and Juha. Having grown close to Marja’s family in the last month, Juha stood beside her sister during the ceremony. Meanwhile, Louise and Mat stood a little further away at a respectful distance, their thoughts lost in memories of happy times, their hearts consumed by grief. Mat knew Louise needed him and remained steadfast by her side, his hand clasped firmly in hers or resting on her back. He never broke touch. A silent declaration to stand by her, a reminder that she wasn’t alone.

After the funeral, Marja’s mom approached Louise and hugged her dearly.

“Louise, you take something home with you. Of Marja… OK?” She spoke quietly and firmly, her thoughtfulness puzzling to Louise. She continued in Finnish, explaining to Mat that Louise could take anything she wanted from the flat. Unable to respond, she merely nodded with tears glistening in her eyes. Mat offered to help empty Marja’s flat, and they spent that weekend together with Juha and Marja’s sister clearing her flat, wiping Marja’s existence from it. Their conversations were minimal, and practically the only noise was the sound of sellotape and the rustle of items being put into boxes as if they were professional movers, and this was just a job. Louise’s sister took the bulk of Marja’s things, while Juha selected two mugs from which they shared morning coffees. Louise chose the Moomin mug with the full moon and plucked the Stockholm and Cork magnets from the fridge, reminders of their two greatest adventures.



The morning before Louise left for Cork, she and Mat lay on the bed surrounded by boxes waiting to be carried away by Juha the next day and Louise’s backpack in the corner. The room still dim, illuminated by the city lights coming through the window, waited for the sun to come up. They hadn’t talked about them, and the air was thick with unspoken emotions, hidden regrets and mired by the grief of losing Marja. The sadness felt like a fog, making it impossible to feel or see anything else, much less talk about it. They spent Louise’s last day walking around Helsinki, Mat allowing her to wallow in her grief. They returned to the harbour unintentionally and as they sat on the pier, the sun all warm, uncharacteristic for the season, Louise knew it was then or never.

She’d lost Marja, she wasn’t going to lose Mat.

She turned towards him, trying to say something, but managed to kiss him instead. As they got lost in passion, they heard a voice.

“Saraaa!” They heard someone shout. They broke their kiss and saw a little girl standing before them. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, couldn’t have been more than five years old. She licked an ice cream that must have been in her hand for a while as it had slightly melted on the sides, dripping down on her hand. She had chocolate all over her mouth. Her mom stopped a little further on while the girl stood there like a statue, staring at the lovers. After some time, the mom hurried back and grabbed the little girl by the hand, saying ‘anteeksi’ before the two rushed off.

“My grandma was called Sara,” Louise said, looking out to the sea. She didn’t mention that if she ever had a daughter, she would be called Sara.

“Lovely name,” Mat said quietly without giving it much thought.

Almost instantly, Louise broke down and started crying. Assuming another memory of Marja came back to torment her, Mat tried to comfort her.

“I know, Louise…But at least she’s not in pain anymore, right?” he said, rubbing her back. As she cried louder and louder, he started hushing her, embracing her, anything to make her stop. Finally, she paused.

“It’s not Marja…” Louise whispered, avoiding Mat’s eyes, staring at the ground where a little speck of chocolate ice cream lay. Mat stood up in front of her. He crouched slightly so she would have no choice but to look at him. For a split second, she met his eyes, which triggered more tears.

“What do you mean?” Mat asked with concern clearly in his voice.

Louise avoided his gaze, looking up, looking to the left, right, anything but him.

“I…lost a baby,” she said almost inaudibly, wiping the tears away. Mat’s mouth fell open. He gently tried to hug her, but she stopped him. She couldn’t.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Lou. Is that why you and Sean broke up?” he asked foolishly, believing it had nothing to do with him.

Louise started sobbing louder once again.

“It wasn’t his…” she said, looking at Sara in the distance walking away. She became smaller and smaller until she was a tiny dot, just like her baby before it died.

“Wait, what?” Mat asked louder, trying to make sense of it. He stood up and took a step back, trying to get his head around. Louise tilted her head back. She needed to get her darkest secret out of her. She needed to tell him.

“It was yours…” she almost inaudibly added.

It was out. She felt relief, but fear gripped her at the same time. He would never forgive her.

“I had an abortion…”

“What?!” Mat repeated, unable to process what he had just heard. He pulled away from her, standing up, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He started pacing left and right. Suddenly, he was the one unable to look at her.

“You kept this from me?” he asked, his voice rising. Louise sat on the fence, her feet jangling off it.

“When?” he demanded, his voice changed with each word.

“Just after New Years…” Louise whispered, staring down at the pavement. Her grief and guilt consumed her.

“One more of your secrets… And you just went back to Ireland without telling me?” He scoffed. “To be with…Sean...”

“I tried to tell you, I did…” Louise murmured. She remembered calling him that day. “But you were in Germany or somewhere,” she continued, sniffling, “with Miss Finland.”

Mat started shaking his head in disbelief.

“What?” he asked, clearly angry by this point. “With who?”

With whom, Louise said in her head but bit her tongue to not say it out loud. She felt a wall growing between them, brick by brick, separating them.

“You know, the gorgeous blonde you were with after me…” Louise almost stuttered. Mat stopped pacing then, covering his mouth with his hand in shock.

“What?” he repeated in disbelief. “You mean Liisa? Liisa! The one you met at the nightclub when we made out and then a minute later you told everyone that Sean was your boyfriend?” Mat said, practically shouting, trying to make sense of everything.

Louise kept her head down not reacting.

“She’s a lawyer, Louise, we work together sometimes. We were in Germany on some tax evasion case. I can’t even remember... On business, Lou!” Suddenly, words started coming out of him like a hailstorm. “I can’t believe it. How could you keep this from me?” he asked. “And just go back to your little life in Ireland as if nothing had happened… That’s just…typical. Typical is what that is…” He paused for a second. Finally, Louise had a chance to process some of his words.

He and Miss Finland just worked together?

Before she could comprehend everything he had said, Mat kept hitting her with questions. Louise tuned out and barely heard the last one before the silence.

“Were you ever going to tell me if it wasn’t for…?” he asked, unable to finish because of tears coming over him. Louise couldn’t give him an answer.

Would she have told him?

She didn’t have an answer. Feeling empty and defeated, she had nothing in her left to fight.

She had lost the baby.

She had lost Marja.

She had lost Mat.

And she was losing him all over again.

It didn’t matter anymore. None of it mattered. She shrugged and only managed a quiet, “Sorry…”

A short while later, he accompanied her back to Marja’s flat in complete silence. Arriving at the door, Mat hesitated for a moment. Louise, two steps ahead, entered the building, then noticed Mat didn’t follow her. She turned around.

“You’re not coming?” she asked, knowing the answer. The city lights felt blurred around her, the busy streets fading into insignificance.

Suddenly, he hugged her tightly, holding her head against his chest. She rested there seemingly forever, almost forgetting that this was the second end of them. He stepped back.

The invisible wall reached their chins by then.

“Juha’s coming first thing tomorrow morning for the boxes…He’ll drive you to the airport. I’ll make sure of that.” He spoke firmly but softly. Louise, shrouded in a cloud of devastation, struggled to voice her feelings.

“I am really sorry, Mat… for every-” she whispered, but he put his finger in front of her mouth. He leaned in, silencing her with a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“Just… Don’t. OK?”

Louise looked down.

The wall now reached their eyes.

She would have cried again, but had no tears left.

It was the end of ends. She watched him slowly walk away from her. A little spark screamed inside of her to go and run after him, to stop him, but she couldn’t move. Just before he entered the car, he turned and waved goodbye, and she stole one last glance at him. The tears brimming in his eyes told her everything.

He loved her still.

He had to.





25





"Everything is as it should be. It's just a matter of accepting it."





- Unkown





Louise had been on a mission.

“Miss McCarthy, I see you have managed to do the required work,” the professor remarked with a slight touch of surprise in her voice.

“I believe everything is in order, so you may present your thesis…early December and be included in the conferring ceremony.” She picked up her desk planner and flipped ahead a couple of weeks.

“How does December 2nd sound to you?“ she inquired. “Does that work for you?” Louise responded with an enthusiastic nod, brimming with excitement.

After the meeting, she found herself meandering through the park as she often did. It was a familiar routine. She’d walk through their (hers and Marja’s) park twice a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon. They claimed it that night, ambling through it, zigzagging left and right, Marja almost making love to the maple tree. Just to the left, she spotted the B&B the green T-shirt guy had suggested they visit. She smiled at the thought. The sky, a muted grey colour, made her eyes a paler shade of grey rather than green, as if adapting to the wintry backdrop. Despite their grey appearance, the sadness in her eyes was almost all but gone. Rain drizzled down on and off and despite having an umbrella which she almost never did, her raincoat managed to keep her dry and warm. By late November, most of the trees were stark, with only a few resilient leaves still clutching on; the rest crunching under her feet as she walked.

Lost in her memories, Louise’s attention was suddenly drawn to a familiar figure in the distance. As soon as he spotted her, the man quickly removed his arm from around the woman’s shoulders walking next to him. The first she noticed about her was her long, wavy, blonde hair. Siobhan was right. The colour did actually have a striking resemblance to that of vanilla ice cream.

“Lulu!” Sean shouted as the two approached her.

“Hi, Sean!” Louise responded, her voice neutral. She took in the woman beside him. Apart from the hair, she noticed her cleavage peeking out from her buttoned up tight white shirt and opened raincoat.

“Orla!” she exclaimed, going in for a hug. Orla seemed genuinely puzzled by Louise’s kind gesture. She had heard about Louise’s meltdown at Siobhan’s wedding. Everyone had. Just as Louise let her go, Sean abruptly lifted Louise off the ground with his hug. He looked genuinely happy to see her.

“Oh, look at you. How have you been?” he asked, scanning her from head to toe.

“I’m good, good…Finally graduating in a couple of weeks…” she said, further inspecting Orla, the woman Sean loved more. She definitely looked like everything Louise wasn’t. Sean blushed when he noticed Louise staring at Orla, realizing that Louise knew the truth. Louise, on the other hand, felt an unexpected surge of happiness for him. Perhaps Orla was his Mat. She was happy for him. None of them said anything of relevance, as the trio talked about the mundane little things people fall back on when trying not to talk about the hidden truths. About the recent splendid weather, with today’s exception, the beautiful park with its blanket of leaves, and the impending winter that filled the air.

“Well, Lulu, lovely to see you, you look fabulous,” Sean finally whispered into her ear as he hugged her goodbye. Orla looked jealous at the level of intimacy. He noticed, making his final embrace more reserved by leaning in only with his upper body to ensure their lower halves didn’t touch.

“Thanks, Seany,” Louise said playfully, although she had never called him that before. It came out as a tease, almost, although her feelings were genuine. “Try not to mess this up... By cheating, I mean,” she said so only Sean could hear. He instantly blushed again, pulling away, nervously checking if Orla had heard Louise. She hadn’t. Louise smirked and left.

She continued her stroll along the park, eventually reaching the centre and passing the tourist agency where she had purchased her plane ticket a little over a month ago. The redhead behind the counter had her head in another book. Her glasses, perpetually slipping down, had to be readjusted as she got lost in her reading and forgot the world around her. The cover this time displayed browns - perhaps the treetops again? - but it seemed to be autumn rather than winter. Louise squinted and bent forward to take a closer look to determine if the leaves were maple but couldn’t make it out. Either there were maple leaves everywhere, or Louise saw them everywhere.

One thing was clear – Marja was there, with her.



As soon as Louise stepped through the door of the flat, she found her mother seated at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

“Mom!” Louise exclaimed, shrugging off her coat. “I’m graduating, Mom… Finally!” she repeated with excitement in her voice as she entered the kitchen, expecting her mother to jump up and down at the news. Instead, her mother, smoking her Marlboros as usual and sipping Earl Grey, looked up seriously from her spot at the kitchen table.

“Ah, congratulations, my dear,” she said sternly, her gaze fixed on the newspaper. Eventually, she looked up, not at Louise, but somewhere past her in the distance.

“I was supposed to graduate… years ago,” she said after a while, inhaling smoke from the cigarette and releasing it with pleasure seconds later. To Louise, it seemed such a futile activity; she had never understood the appeal of smoking.

“But then you happened,” Grace added, finally meeting Louise’s eyes for a split second. She started coughing, prompting her to take another sip of tea. Louise felt the familiar ache in her stomach, the same one that always accompanied this story. She wondered if her mom would retell it this time.

How she and Dad had gotten drunk at prom – she never drank otherwise…

How she got pregnant – the first time it happened…

How her parents – the strict Catholics – were livid…

How abortion wasn’t an option – illegal then, illegal still...

How she had to marry Declan McCarthy…

How she had to drop out of medical school because of her pregnancy…

How she became a nurse and not a doctor…

To Louise’s surprise, this wasn’t one of those times.

“Anyways, congratulations, darling, knew you’d pull through,” her mom said, looking at her daughter with tears in her eyes but a big smile on her lips. She put out the cigarette, the lingering scent of tobacco mingling with the aroma of the half-drunk tea. Standing up, she walked over to the living room and retrieved a bottle of the finest whisky she had hidden for a special occasion. When she returned to the kitchen, Louise couldn’t hold back any longer. She charged into her mother’s arms despite her aversion to the smoke that still enveloped her or the bottle and two glasses in her hands.

“I’m so sorry, Mom,” she whispered into her ear, the words barely escaping her lips. All her life she had this deep-rooted guilt inside of her for being the reason her mom never fulfilled her dreams. Her mom put down the bottle and glasses and hugged her daughter back, tighter, closer. Louise felt the roughness of her mother’s cardigan against her cheek, but also a sense of comfort she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Nah, it was meant to be, darling. You were meant to be,” she replied, holding Louise’s face with both her hands, staring directly into her soul.

Her little girl had graduated.

Just then, Louise broke down and started sobbing. Memories of her baby started to flood her mind.

“What’s wrong, girl?” her mom asked, patting her head gently, wiping away tears with her thumbs.

“You miss your friend, Marja?” she asked, wiping away Louise’s tears with her thumbs. Louise nodded, then instantly shook her head.

“Yes, I do, but it’s not just that…” Louise sniffled, her voice trembling.

“Mom, I… I had an abortion…” she finally burst out. Hearing that, Grace started crying as well. The thought of her own daughter making the impossible decision she was never allowed to make was overwhelming.

“Oh, darling…” Grace whispered and started shushing her daughter. She held her closer than ever before and the two cried in each other’s arms, the kitchen filled with the sound of their shared grief. Words weren’t needed; they understood each other perfectly.

“You’ll be all right! You’re graduating!” Grace finally exclaimed, a smile breaking through her tears. “You have your whole life ahead of you and many babies and children…” she said, looking at her broken, beautiful little girl with hope.

She would be all right.

“It’s OK…” she kept repeating, her voice soothing, consoling Louise like never before.

Everything was finally out in the open, all their wounds and scars exposed to air and finally start to heal. Louise felt the guilt and shame begin to lift, replaced by a tentative sense of acceptance. Grace felt a profound sense of relief, coming to terms with the fact that there was no right or wrong decision, only the paths they had chosen and the lives they had lived. Louise had graduated, something Grace never did, and Grace had a daughter, a little girl Louise would never have. As they held onto each other, the past pains seemed to fade slightly, making room for a future filled with hope and possibilities.

Because… Grace’s little girl was graduating.





26





“Goodbyes, they often come in waves.”





- Jarod Kintz





Louise spent the next couple of weeks mainly at the library behind a computer or desk, mouthing, reading her presentation, and scribbling on it, and occasionally pacing left and right. In the evenings, she’d watch Friends with her mom and the two would giggle at their antics. She had taken a break from teaching at the language school and applied to another one. A more permanent post, the hours a bit friendlier, but still teaching foreigners. Mom had given her a hefty sum of her own savings, which paid for her ticket to Finland and left much to spare. Everything started falling into place. There was just that one final piece missing.



Studying at her usual spot at the library in late November, she received the email she had been waiting for.



Dear Ms. McCarthy,

We have received your application for a teaching position at our school. As my colleague has already confirmed, we are looking for a new English teacher and would love to welcome you to our school. You’ve mentioned that you are graduating early December. Would it be possible for you to come for an interview around December 15th and start right after the New Year? Since you were so highly recommended, the interview is merely a formality, but it needs to be done.

Let me know if the date suits you and if you have any questions…



Louise didn’t finish reading the email but jumped up and down slightly to the frowns of others reading quietly in the expansive study hall and mouthed ‘sorry’. She quickly clicked reply. December 15th would certainly work for her.

After a year of stalling, treading in mud, things developed at the speed of light. As soon as she replied, she jumped up again, mouthing ‘sorry’ again at no one in particular and everyone in general and sprinted out the door. She took a detour through the park and sat on a bench, taking in the autumn air, and admiring the remaining leaves on the trees. They were like Marja, holding on until the very end.

“I got it, Marja,” she whispered to herself, clasping her hands in a prayer position. She looked up at the sky.

“I’m doing it…” she continued when she suddenly heard a familiar voice calling her name.

“Louise, is that you?” It was Siobhan, arm in arm with Aaro, forming a kind of Celtic heart with their hands. Louise stood up, and Siobhan broke their little intertwined heart to embrace her. Meanwhile, Aaro extended his hand to shake Louise’s.

“Mitä kuuluu?” he asked.

“Hyvä, hyvä,” Louise replied, remembering a sense of belonging like never before.

“Where have you been, darling?” Siobhan said, scaling her up and down.

“We haven’t seen each other since….what, the wed-” she began.

“The wedding, yes, you’re right…” Louise retorted, at a loss for words. “I’ve been going through….” She paused, thinking of a word to describe it all. “…a lot.” She owed no one an explanation.

“You poor thing, Louise. I hear Sean has someone new, is that right?” Siobhan inquired, glancing at Aaro and back at her. Clearly, Siobhan thought Louise was still heartbroken over Sean after her breakdown at the wedding. And a happy marriage lacked a bit of drama, apparently, and Louise was perfect to supply it.

“Well, it’s old news, really, isn’t it? He’s back with Orla,” Louise said, without showing any emotion. The memory of their recent encounter flashed before her. “I’m genuinely happy for them,” she added, her feelings still neutral.

Siobhan’s eyes widened, clearly disbelieving Louise’s words and tone.

“No, I truly am, Siobhan. They look great together. We weren’t meant to be,” Louise clarified once more, though she felt no obligation to do so.

“Well, if that’s the case…” Siobhan hesitated, then brightened with a mischievous smile. “What about Aaro’s cousin? The one you were flirting with…” She pointed at Aaro, then continued, “…at our wedding? He’s still single, isn’t he, sweetie?” Siobhan turned back to Aaro, who bobbed his head in confirmation.

“Oh, thanks, Siobhan, yes,” Louise said, trying to remember his name. Michael, Mihael? The name didn’t come to her.

“Aaro’s cousin,” she started, acknowledging Aaro on the right, “is great, but I’m not really looking for anyone right now,” she said.

Siobhan’s expression shifted to one of disbelief, with a hint of distaste.

“I’m graduating in two weeks and starting a new job, you know? I’m doing well, actually,” Louise continued, her tone firm. She didn’t feel the need to convince Siobhan; she knew her own truth, and that was enough. Siobhan’s furrowed brow slightly relaxed.

“Well, we have our own piece of news…” Siobhan finally said, looking all smiles in the direction of Aaro.

“We’re pregnant!” she exclaimed, taking Aaro’s hand and placing it on her flat belly.

“Wow, I’m so happy for you,” Louise said drily, “and wow, you are showing a bit, I see it now,” she lied, looking at Siobhan’s belly.

“So happy for you!” she added, smiling but not with her eyes.

Before she could say anything else, Siobhan embraced her once again. “Louise don’t worry. There’s someone for you out there as well,” she whispered in her ear in a condescending tone. Louise rolled her eyes but nodded slightly. For a second, she wanted to scream back in her ear.

Just shut the fuck up, Siobhan!

Instead, she took several steps back, maximizing the distance between her and them.

“So lovely to meet you and so great about… the…” She pointed at Siobhan’s belly. “…baby. So great! Congratulations!” She started turning her head away, indicating that she was ready to leave, and Siobhan finally caught on.

“Lovely to see you, Louise. Let’s get together soon, OK?”

Hell, no! Louise shrieked in her head.

“Let’s,” she said out loud politely and turned, practically running home to tell her mom the news of her new job. She would be thrilled.





27





“Gently, gently, make room for happiness at last.”





- Albert Camus





December 2 nd, 2003 - the day of Louise’s graduation - seemed like any other grey winter day and although her life was only just beginning, she couldn’t help but feel as though it was coming to an end. The trees in her favourite park were all but bare with not a single maple leaf in sight. This wasn’t the cold of an Irish winter but resembled the bone-chilling cold of a Finnish winter. Snow might have been absent, but the freezing gusts of wind that cut through the skin made up for it.

Early in the morning, she sat behind a desk with a bunch of papers in front of her, whole sections of them highlighted in yellow, some parts in red, some underlined in blue. Nothing like the fancy PowerPoint presentations she’d make on a daily basis years later in class, just paper. The three professors sat across from her with Dr. O’Reilly in the middle, wearing her signature red glasses and red lipstick. She looked almost relieved Louise had pulled it together and managed to get to this point, smiling in encouragement at Louise relentlessly throughout her presentation. Another younger professor, a tall man in his thirties, appeared eager for it to end, constantly glancing out the window and playing with his pen. For that reason, Louise kept her eyes fixed on Dr. O’Reilly, her one supporter. The third professor was a younger woman, possibly a postgraduate, who at times showed genuine interest in the Finnish school system and Louise’s experiences up north, and at others also seemed more interested in the world outside like her colleague.

Afterwards, the professors congratulated her, and the young woman was the first to talk to Louise.

“Beautiful country, isn’t it? Finland?” she asked Louise.

“So beautiful, yes… And peace-,” Louise responded.

“Peaceful! Exactly what I was going to say. When I think of Finland, serenity is what comes to mind,” the woman replied, her eyes distant as if reliving a fond memory. “I visited Lapland and Santa’s village once. Stunning…”

Just then, Dr. O’Reilly approached and shook Louise’s hand with surprising firmness. “Good job, Ms. McCarthy. Honestly, I wasn’t sure you’d pull it through. I don’t know what they’ve done with you over there in Finland, but I’m certain you’ll make an excellent teacher,” she said, her grip firm and reassuring as she delivered her praise. Louise could only nod, a smile playing on her lips as she envisioned herself in front of a classroom, everything falling into place.



A week later; Louise found herself at her finish line—the conferring ceremony - accompanied by her mother. Grace beamed with pride at her daughter for accomplishing something she hadn’t had the chance to, recognizing the sacrifices that had paved the way for this moment. Louise, on the other hand, couldn’t shake the nagging sense of displacement. Surrounded by familiar faces in her hometown, she felt like a stranger, the emptiness in her heart amplifying with each passing moment. Engaging in polite conversation with her peers, Louise listened more than she spoke, the disconnect palpable yet unnoticed by those around her. The world she once called home now felt foreign, leaving Louise floating in search of belonging, a feeling she knew she wouldn’t find here.

Right after the ceremony, Louise and Grace went to celebrate at the poshest restaurant in Cork. Grace had secured reservations the moment Louise announced the date. Never before had they gone there. As they settled into their seats, a waiter, impeccably dressed in black and white, approached with the menus. He took the unusual position of squatting by Louise’s side, looking up at her to take her order. Louise caught off guard by his proximity, having to look down at him, glanced at the menu with uncertainty, feeling relieved when her mom stepped in, confidently ordering two glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon.

“Well, that was a first,” Grace said, chuckling. Louise agreed. He returned not a second later, presenting them with gold cutlery, making a show and dance of setting it on the table. They felt like two goldfish out of the fish tank and in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. As soon as he returned with the wine, they decided to down their glasses and make a quick exit. Grace signalled discreetly for the check, hoping to leave unnoticed. As they slipped out of the ornate establishment, they breathed a sigh of relief, eager to find a more comfortable spot to celebrate Louise’s accomplishment. Where they felt more at home.

The quaint pub on the corner offered just that. Its warmth of the wood-panelled interior and the dim-lit atmosphere enveloped them like an old friend. They went in looking completely out of place but feeling very much at home.



A little over a year earlier, Louise arrived in Kouvola for the first time and took the sunflower from Mat’s hands. She had the strangest déjà vu of returning somewhere she had never been before.

Sean and her past seemed to fade into the background with each thoughtful gesture he made.

“Thanks so much, it’s beautiful,” she said, her voice filled with genuine appreciation as she admired the bright yellow flower.

Mat smiled warmly, his eyes reflecting the same brightness as the sunflower. “I’m glad you like it,” he said softly, his hand lingering on hers for a moment before intertwining their fingers together.

Together, they walked out of the train station into the snowy streets of Kouvola, their breath forming clouds in the frosty air. Mat led the way, his familiarity with the town evident in the way he navigated the white paths. The world around them was quiet and serene, the only sounds being the distant calls of the rare winter birds and the occasional rustle of a snow-laden branch.

“So, Lou, have you ever been to an irlantilainen pubi?“ Mat asked, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “There’s one downtown, not too far from here.”

“Irlainen what?” Louise cried out with a chuckle.

“Irish pub?” Mat translated, smirking. Louise started laughing.

“Wow, an Irish pub,” Louise replied playfully. “You can actually have a Guiness up here among the reindeer?” she joked, looking around her, taking in the winter wonderland she was in.

“Kylla!” Mat responded, bringing her hand to his mouth, and kissing it.

“I’d love that,” she replied, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Lead the way, Mat,” Louise replied, keeping her hand up, inviting him to hold it. Instead, Mat pulled her into a warm embrace over her shoulder. Together, they walked towards the city centre.



Grace, draped in a regal-looking A-line dress adorned with intricate lace patterns and a coat, led the way into the pub, her confident stride contrasting the casual elegance of Louise’s bandeau light blue skater dress hiding under her jacket. Louise force matched it with Mat’s red and grey scarf. A man sitting at the bar with a weathered flat cap atop his head of grey hair, wearing a mismatched ensemble of dark ragged trousers and a threadbare jumper, couldn’t take his eyes off them as they ordered at the bar. Louise didn’t need Mom’s help this time. Guiness it was. They settled at a worn wooden table and ordered two hearty bowls of stew.

“To my daughter, who embodies everything I’m not,” Grace proclaimed, raising her Guiness.

“And to my mom who’s the reason I made it this far,” Louise replied.

“Slainte!” they both cheered. The old man at the bar, still watching them, responded, “Hear, hear!” raising his beer as well. They all smiled. As soon as they acknowledged him, the man felt satisfied and faced back to the barman, allowing the women their privacy.

“A grand evening for a celebration,” he remarked, more to himself than anyone else, with a wistful smile on his face.

The strains of traditional Irish music drifted through the air, adding to the charm of the atmosphere. Grace and Louise talked and talked like they hadn’t in years, finally connecting over their shared yet different experiences. And despite the uncertainty of when they would experience such bliss again, they were determined to make the most of the present.



Only a week later, Louise found herself standing in front of a grey block of flats, looking up at the second-floor window. The light was on inside. Despite her proper winter coat and Mat’s scarf, the snow-covered streets felt freezing. She shuffled in front of the building for some time, questioning the decisions she had made leading up to this point.

Was this a mistake?

She hesitated to ring the bell, shifting her feet from side to side in an attempt to keep warm. She adjusted the black tasseled hat several times and fidgeted with the scarf under her chin, quietly rehearsing her speech. People entered and exited the building, eyeing her with curiosity. They kindly held the door for her, but she refused their silent invitations, shaking her head politely each time. She had waited for over a month; a few more minutes wouldn’t matter. Just as her finger touched the buzzer, she spotted a man descending the stairs. He wore an unbuttoned, brown coat, revealing a sky-blue sweater and light blue jeans. If she hadn’t already been in love with him, she would have fallen for him right there and then at the sight of him. As he approached the door, she lost her ability to speak. Unknowingly, she had pressed the buzzer, and then quickly glanced up at the darkened window. The light was off. Before she knew it, he stood there in front of her.

“Lou! Is that you? What are you doing here?” he asked in a tone as though he had just seen someone brought back from the dead. “What’s going on?”

Louise, still struggling to regain her voice, reached out to touch his arms before pulling him into a hug. She needed to know he was real. Finally, she spoke in a brittle voice, “I’m here…” She clung to him, refusing to let go. Not this time, not anymore.

“It’s Friday…” she continued, realizing it must have been exactly a year since they had spent their last weekend together.

Before the planned Christmas dinner.

Before Sean announced he was coming.

Before the break-up.

Before the baby.

Before Marja.

Before everything.

“I’m here,” she repeated, still gripping him. Mat gently pushed her arms away and gazed into her eyes.

“What’s going on, Lou?” he asked, puzzled, then noticing her shaking from the cold.

“How long have you been standing out here? Come inside!” he said in a firm tone.

“No, no, you’re leaving, going somewhere, I really don’t want to hold you up, I just…” she spoke in a wobbly voice looking for the right words. “I just wanted to…tell you I’m here!” She spread her arms and pointed at herself before resuming her trembling. Mat’s mouth turned upward.

“Hullu nainen,” he said, shaking his head but smiling.

Crazy woman.

He did have a point.

“Come upstairs before you freeze to death,” he said again and finally she gave in. He gestured for her to enter, holding the door for her. Louise walked in and began to climb the stairs, taking in the familiar scent of the building that she had nearly forgotten but now remembered distinctly. Their brief ascent was silent and as they entered the flat, Louise sat at the small Ikea table where they had shared countless meals and hours of conversation. She reached out to touch it, making it wobble slightly and other memories came flushing back to her. Of her naked, of Mat naked, of her straddling him on that chair while she sat there thawing in her winter coat, scarf, and tasseled hat. Before she could snap out of it, Mat returned with a cup of tea.

“Lou, this is a lovely surprise and I’m really happy to see you,” Mat started, planting the tea in front of her. “But what is going on?” Louise took a sip of the tea, still staring at the chair opposite her, now Mat’s chest as he sat across from her. She examined his beautiful blue eyes, reminiscent of the brightest, bluest sky on a sunny day.

She made the right decision.

“Ok…Here goes…” she began, clearing her throat with a deep breath.

“I’m here, like I said. For now, that is…” she spoke softly, her words punctuated by long pauses.

“Maybe forever, maybe just a couple of months, a year… Depending on….” She gestured between herself and Mat, implying that her stay hinged on what happened between them.

“I work at a language school…” she continued.

“Actually, not far from here…” she said, standing up and pointing in a direction out of the window. “I think in that direction… Is that the keskusta, the centre?“ she asked.

Mat shook his head but remained silent. Louise’s sense of direction faltered, as usual.

“I’ve graduated too!” she said, raising her voice a bit to break the tension.

“Congratulations!” Mat exclaimed cheerfully, examining her with his eyes.

“Yes, thanks…Well, anyway…” Louise sat back down opposite him, her hands trembling slightly.

One more time, she thought to herself. Here we go.

“I messed up, Mat, I know I did…” she said, practically pausing at every other word. “But this year has been really hard on me…”

She finally looked him straight in the eyes and lingered on them.

“I’m making excuses again…Sorry…Anyway, I’m sorry, but I really want to give us a real chance. You know? Not with a boyfriend back home, not with a set end date, when I have to go home…” She stopped again to breathe.

“Just you and me…”

“And no secrets…”

Mat stared at the centre of the table, saying nothing, his jaw tense with emotion.

Louise’s eyes filled with tears, her heart pounding in her chest.

“If you can forgive me, that is…” she said at the end.

“Look… If not, then I’ll just stick around for a while, see how that works out for me… Maybe I can find my Aaro,” she continued, trying to hide her shaky voice with a shrug.

“Aaro?” Mat asked, glancing up, his eyes narrowing in confusion.

“Oh, Aaro is this amazing Finnish man Siobhan married,” Louise explained, her voice lighter.

“Oh, I see…” Mat started before adding, “Siobhan?” puzzled.

“Oh, a friend of mine back home…I mean, in Ireland,” Louise explained calmly.

Well…“ Mat reached over, taking her hand between his.

The moment of truth.

“I can’t let you do that, can I?” he said in a raspy voice, kissing her hand tenderly. Louise closed her eyes, feeling the longing for his kisses and body reverberate down her spine.

“So, you’re here... Just like that?” he asked, his eyes searching hers for a declaration of love.

Louise nodded with tears in her eyes. Love screamed behind the tears.

“And you promise? No more secrets?” he asked, his voice serious.

Louise shook her head. “No more secrets…” she repeated.

They both jumped up and fell into each other’s arms. They couldn’t bear the distance between them any longer. They kissed fervently and started undressing almost instantly.

“I’ve missed you so much…” someone said.

“I love you…I’ve always loved you…” the other answered.

“I can’t live without you…” she whispered.

“You’re here…” he reacted, overjoyed.

Suddenly, Louise broke the kiss.

“Mat, wait, you were going somewhere, meeting someone…”

“Oh, right… it’s Juha and the gang, they’ll understand,” he said before picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom. “I’ll text them.”

As the two left the outside world behind the closed door of the bedroom, Mat’s phone started beeping and ringing. It was Juha. He would wait another half an hour for a reply and another hour or so to meet up with two of his dear friends for drinks and the three would spend the night reminiscing about Marja.

Louise finally came home.



Dear Louise, October 20th

I’m writing this letter, unsure of when you’ll receive it. I’ll ask my Mom to mail it to you. As you probably know, I’m not well. I’m at the hospital. Dr. Komea says it doesn’t look good, but he also says I’m a fighter and will make it… I’ll keep it short.

I really think you should give Mat and Finland another chance. He’s single, you know? Probably pining away for you. Anyway, I’ve written a recommendation letter for you to the English Best Language School in Kouvola. A friend told me they’re looking for native speakers, and they would be lucky to have you. We won’t work together, as I’ll be married to Dr. Komea, which means I won’t have to work. Besides, I won’t live in grey, ugly Kouvola. I’ll stay in Helsinki, probably in some fancy house in Lauttasaari, the rich part of it. But I’ll come and visit, and you can come too. What do you say? Have to go, here come the nurses with another cocktail for me… I’ll try and call you or email as soon as I get to my phone and computer.

Love you and miss you... We had fun, didn’t we? Take a walk through the maple park for me over there, OK? Kisses to my sexy maple.

Love, Marja





Part IV


Finland 2016





28





“You had me at hello, goodbye and everything in between.”





- Shannon L. Alder





Over a decade later, Louise stood in the echoey, spacious hall of the high school behind the glass-walled entrance. The faint smell of polished floors lingered in the air, mingling with the distant hum of excited chatter. Her swollen ankles already hurt slightly, although the open night at the school was only beginning. She patted her bump with her hand, the fabric of her dress soft against her skin, and looked around for chairs. She wouldn’t be able to stand much longer. She wondered why she didn’t excuse herself.

“The Irish English teacher?” she heard someone say in an almost American accent. She turned around and faced a tall man with an athletic build walking towards her. His blonde hair was cut, and his blue eyes sparkled with a friendly, approachable demeanour. He definitely looked fit.

“The new P.E. teacher?” she asked, noticing the confidence in his stance and the easy way he carried himself.

“Yes, David, hi.”

“Nice to meet you, David,” she replied, extending her hand.

“And your name is?” he asked, his handshake firm but warm.

“Oh, sorry, Louise,” she responded.

“Hi, Louise. Nice to meet you.” They smiled, shaking hands, his grip strong yet gentle.

The massive hall, completely empty apart from the two of them, echoed slightly with each word. Louise noticed the subtle accent in his voice.

“Are you from the States?” she asked in an almost whisper, hoping to avoid the resonance that made the room feel somewhat daunting. “I’m just wondering because of the accent.”

David scratched behind his ear, a slight grin forming on his lips as he looked down for a moment. Clearly, he had heard this question before.

“Oh, no, no, I’m Finnish. But I’ve lived in America for quite some time. I was a ski instructor during the winter months up in Colorado…For… let me think… ten years… I think,” he explained, his deep voice carrying a soft echo.

Louise nodded as she listened, her curiosity deepening. “Oh, interesting. Yup, that American accent will sneak up on you,” she responded, thinking of her students who spoke with an American accent despite never having left Finland, merely from watching American sitcoms and films.

“My husband loves skiing,” she continued, adjusting her stance to relieve her aching feet, feeling the weight of her pregnancy.

“You don’t?” David asked, glancing at her bump with a gentle, understanding smile.

“Not really, no,” Louise said, patting her bump gently. “Can’t ski now anyway.”

“Your first?” David asked, and Louise was quick to shake her head. No way she looked that young.

“No, we’ve got a son, Peter,” Louise said, beaming with pride. “You?”

“We have two girls,” David answered, his eyes lighting up at the mention of his daughters.

“Oh, nice. Planning on more? A boy, maybe?” she teased, and David shook his head vigorously.

“No, no, no… we’re done,” he said, raising his voice at the end and gestured decisively. “We’re definitely good. You two?”

“No, no… No way, this one took forever… We nearly gave up,” she spoke softly, remembering all she had gone through by this point, blissfully unaware of what was yet to come.

“Besides, Peter’s already ten, so he’ll be a big, big brother… You know? Can’t imagine having a newborn and a teenager under the same roof,” she said, smiling, but her expression suddenly shifted as she felt a kick in her belly.

“Ouch, that hurt!” she winced.

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl? Or you don’t want to know?” he asked.

Louise smirked and kept caressing her baby girl inside her.

“Oh, we know…It’s…a girl,” almost saying Sara instead of a girl. She grumbled again, overcame with a sudden touch of nausea or heartburn or something. Being pregnant was no picnic.

“Do you want to sit down? I think you should,“ he said, pointing at a bench behind them by the wall.

“I should, right? What the hell, the parents aren’t here yet anyway. Let’s sit down,” she said.

They ambled to the bench, David walking half a step behind her, his hand almost touching her back, ready to catch her if she stumbled. Louise sensed his genuine concern for her and offered a grateful smile as they sat down. The bench faced the entrance and they both kept their eyes on it, prepared to jump up at the first sign of parents and children walking through the door.

“So, what exactly do we do here tonight?” David asked, sneaking a glance of Louise at the end.

“Your first time?” Louise asked.

“Erm, yes,” he replied, looking at her with a quizzical expression.

“OK… So, you start at the classroom down the hall.” She pointed left to the spacious glass-covered space. “Then work your way up the stairs and visit the open classrooms for the presentations and workshops. There will be other teachers and parents there, so just follow them, and if a classroom is too crowded, just skip it and come back later.” She made a little never mind gesture with her hand.

“Someone is having a field day today,” she added, pointing at her bump.

“When are you due?” David asked, his tone gentle. His eyes darted from the door, Louise’s eyes, and her bump in a flash.

“In October,” Louise replied. David mouthed ‘oh’, his eyes lingering on her bump for several seconds that felt like hours. He didn’t say anything, but Louise saw the flash of surprise in his eyes. She interpreted it as shock, recalling her mother-in-law constant reminders about her size. After all, she was even bigger than when she was pregnant with Peter.

“I know, I probably look like I’m about to have this baby tomorrow, but no, three more months still,” she said, shrugging her shoulders, aware of his gaze.

“No, no, not at all… You’re beautiful!” David practically exclaimed, his eyes meeting hers for a brief moment before looking away. The word reverberated through the hall. He immediately felt the weight of his words, looking around, embarrassed, hoping no one else had heard it. Louise had heard him, though. Loud and clear. She blushed, not daring to meet his eyes. An awkward silence followed as they both turned their attention back to the entrance, reminded of what they were there to do.

“Anyway… You know what to do, right?” she asked, still avoiding eye contact.

“Yes. Down the hall, up the stairs, pop in, pop out, skip crowded classrooms, come back,” he summarized, holding up his hand for a high-five, his eyes fixed straight ahead.

“Excellent, you’ll do great!” she replied, meeting his high-five with a weak but genuine smile but no eye contact.

“Do you think we’ll be here long?” David asked.

“Oh, about two, three hours, depending on the turnout,” Louise replied, mentally preparing herself for a long night.

Just then, a blonde in a red dress, looking more prepared for a cocktail party than an open-night at a high school, came through the entrance with her tween son. The echo of her black boots filled the hall, and a strong scent of her perfume lingered in the air. David was quick on his feet, extending his hand to greet them as he walked over. Louise gave him a thumps up, her smile warm and encouraging.

“You’ve got this!” she said softly, her voice carrying a reassuring tone.

“Thank you,” David replied, his eyes meeting hers with a mixture of gratitude and something else she couldn’t quite place. Then, as if by reflex, he winked at her. He immediately blushed, as did Louise, and they both laughed softly, the sound fading into the vast emptiness of the hall. They were both relieved that their awkward encounter had come to an end, but felt a strange reluctance to part.

The hall’s soft lighting cast gentle shadows on the walls, creating an intimate ambience despite the large space. People began pouring in and the murmur of their voices added a layer of background noise, making their small moment feel more secluded.

They had no idea what the future held. They couldn’t foresee how their paths would intertwine again, bringing them together in ways neither could have imagined.

How could they?

It was another time, another life, and in this one, Louise was there with the love of her life - Mat.

Then.





THE END





Louise and David will be back in Me With Another You.





Afterword





"Books are mirrors: You only see in them what you already have inside you."


– Carlos Ruiz Zafón





Thank you for choosing to dive into this story and taking the time to read it. Your support means the world to this tiny indie author. If you found yourself connecting with this book, I’d be incredibly grateful if you would leave a review on the platform where you purchased it or on Goodreads.

If the story didn't resonate with you, I’d love to hear your feedback. I’m constantly trying to grow as a writer, and your insights are invaluable to me.

I hope this is just one of many more books to come and I’d be thrilled to have you along for the ride, please sign up to my newsletter.





Also by





Me Here Without You Now is a love story after the love story about Louise finding love again after losing everything.

Me With Another You is another love story about a woman finding her way out of an unhappy marriage and finding love again.





About the author





Edie D. Browning has always had a passion for writing and literature, and after many years of teaching English, she has finally decided to pursue her dream of becoming a published author.

She has a deep appreciation for the written word and a keen eye for detail. Her writing is focused on strong female character-driven stories and emotionally resonant themes of love, loss, and motherhood.

Edie is happiest when travelling and discovering new places and meeting new people and has been to many different countries over the years. She has lived in Idaho, United States, Finland, the Netherlands, Australia and is currently living in Slovenia, She says that living in different parts of the world has given her a broader perspective on life and has inspired her writing.

When Edie isn’t teaching or writing, she loves spending time with her family and her three children or running with her dog. She says that running is her way of clearing her head and getting inspiration for her writing. As for reading, she is a voracious reader and loves nothing more than curling up with a good book when she can find the time. You can learn more about Edie at www.ediebrowning.com or follow her writing journey on TikTok, Goodreads, Instagram, or Pinterest.