LOST IN A BUNCH OF WEED
Cilka Žagar
Lost in a bunch of weed
I played an equal opportunity role
In statistics
Stunt roles
In motherhood
Support role
Holding up your ego
A reluctant part in climbing
On foreign ladders of success
I had a minor part in persuasion
Among different races and creeds
With changing popularity
I have been carefully avoided singer
Background fashion model
A runaway crier
Always scared of madness
I played a key role in research
Of God's intentions
About the future
And afterlife
Away from smallness
A distant star
In a very late night movie
A face of innocence
Your face and mine
As the wind in the grass played our tune
Nobody understood
Nobody knew
Nobody was as wise As we at eighteen
Let us celebrate The knowing That we were Once loved
Let us pretend to be Lovers forever And never afraid Of going Going Away
You are back
Sunshine is reaching my dreams My dreams are reaching the sun You live on my road You sleep in my heart I am alive
I am afraid of dying I imagine
Ways of being with you On my terms Never afraid of Not being loved Of not loving Never afraid of leaving Or dying
Let's not temper with fantasy
Let's not change the scenery
Let us not promise anything to each other
Let us enjoy moments in time
Let us remain
Two strangers on the road
Ten years Same dress
Same hands wanting to caress
Eyes as blue as when you left
You stepped into my day
Footprints visible in the dust
My dust
Buds of spring
Praying for rain
Nothing is dead
Nothing is missed
Or lost
In memory
No barriers for dreams
No distance for thoughts
No place but universe
No time but eternity
Just moments shared
When you step into the dust of my day
You are
Hiding in my dreams I will not let you Touch my day I am old enough Smart enough I know what is good for me I will keep my eyes open Look the other way When I find you on the street Looking for me
I search for a hiding place
A timeless space
Where I love you
Sounds perfectly
Reasonably
Sane
Where
Our hearts could see What they want to see With eyes shut
I pull in my extended waist Flick back unruly hair Wet my lips Hide the dirt Measure the smile To please your eyes Before you walk away
What would you have me say Or do
Where would you have me go How long would you like to walk With me
You would like to share My umbrella My spot in the sun I would like to Believe your promises Wide awake We keep the distance
I know you don't love me
I am nothing to write home about
I passed my used by date
I can not understand
Why you look at me so intensely
Why I remember every word
I imagine you whisper to me
You are a seaman I am homeward bound I see no future With you
You have nothing to lose But pain
I have nothing to give But pain
We want to feel good We keep on walking
We are both at sea
We do not know what to do
With each other
I am homeward bound I am not a seaman I see no future With you
I love the moments we share
It is only an autumn Ray of sunshine Caught in our eyes Leaves on the footpath Colourful Dying
Surprised by the sunshine We remember growing And loving And waiting And hoping
The light in our eyes As we meet A spark added To memory
We are not going anywhere There is nowhere to go from where Our eyes met
I only see
The blue of your eyes As we meet on the street The heat of the summer Dusty sweat of rushing Mixed with the splendour Of our giving To each other The essence of our being
My hand on my chest To hold back my heart As we meet on the street In the middle of our living
Oh how blue are your eyes As we meet On the one way road For one
I am scratching footprints On the road
To engrave the traces of our passing
One perfect love And no perfection in it A ball of fire
Burnt into a glorious light Of death
Caught in your light Like a moth I burn
I saw your pain
In my rear vision mirror
I saw you stop
Put down your tools to cough
A heart tearing cough
Shoulders bent like folded wings
A wounded bird
I came to catch you
Before you die
But you saw me first
Your shoulders up
You smiled at me
You swung the tools
Like a bunch of roses for a bride
Into the battered truck
Only in my rear vision mirror I saw your pain
I am running from you After you Afraid of you I look back I try to resist I try to forget I want you to follow
I do not love you Like you want me to You have nothing I like Or want Or love Seeing you
Just makes me want to dance and sing
Seeing you makes me Say silly things Out loud Pray in silence Compose poetry Paint pictures
I feel so foolishly young and alive I wish you had something I could love
I return to you
When flowers bloom
And when they die
In sunshine and rain
I put my head on your shoulder
To pass through time
You hold the key to The best part of me
Your name forbidden on my lips
Like chocolate chips
And autumn fruit
So ripe and sweet
I should just look
But never eat
It's only when I close my eyes Like spies my thought Go through your smiles My hands feel
Tingling touches of your skin But when in clear light of day We walk on busy street Our talk is brave Our love is hidden far away
It's a lifetime since you loved me A lifetime with nothing in between But memories
And tomorrows looking back
My thoughts
Like foxes hunting in the night Are searching
Through the secret places in my heart I am the only one to see My hidden webs of inconsistency
I love you wanting me
You love me wanting you
I'll never be most anything to you
You'll never be most anything to me
Your finger tips
The bits of fire
On my lips
Bitter tear
Running down my cheek With
Bits of fire Bits of smoke And bits of fear
Sharp eyes
Drilling holes in my day Raindrops on window pane Whisper your name
I want to be a mirror for you So you will see in me How wonderful you are I want to see my dreams in you
So you can see your dreams in me
A wave rising And falling A tune dying A tune Played again By other hands And hearts And minds Waking the silence A tune A tiny wave Becoming an ocean
I wanted that dress I first saw your face Through its gossamer lace
Alone I now stand To admire the lace Displayed at The price Below cost In the shop Where we met The sun in the window
Did its best The colours failed The test of time On top And beneath
The lace
Stay on display you beautiful little dress I don't want you to impress my lover I confess I am out of contest You look better where you rest I look better than my dress
We spent time and energy Proving each other wrong We were both right We are both wrong
We raced to come first Afraid to be last Second best We went for gold Cold and dead
In the rush we forgot What we came here to do So we saved our love For the heaven above While we lived down in hell All the days of our lives
On the last day of my life I will empty the sack Get rid of the gold Scatter the coloured stones I don't want anything To slow me down
Every day is the last As we race to come first Holding the breath To the finishing line
On the last day of my life I will remember
That I was just right in your eyes
We are falling apart
Crumbs of us moving down the river
To rest on the rocks
We are looking back
At what we once were
Bits of us scattered
Naked bits of beauty
That was us
The bits of life
On the rocks
Of the river
Shiny crystals of what we were Cold fragments of us The river
A memory of what we once were
Today is waiting To be lived
Or mourned over as lost I am waiting to get through You are waiting For a rose At the end
If you loved me You say
If you really truly loved me You wouldn't mind Following
And it wouldn't matter Where we go What we do
I follow Obey and do It is true With you It does not matter Where we go What we do
I go with you Not brave enough To be me
The clock is ticking The shore is near Finishing line marked The whistle ready The umpire waiting
The clock is ticking I am running I am still running I am coming I am almost there
You won the race I am running With hands full of love I am still running
Take the love from my hands You won the race
You are dead I am dying
I will pretend that
You don't exist
And never did
Not even then
Not even when
I was holding onto you
To carry me through
Not even when you said
That I was your second chance
Almost as good as the first
Today I saw a cross at the head of the bloke
Who just collected his super lump sum
We all took part in throwing lumps of dry clay
On him in his grave
He's been coughing a lot
Now he rests with a lump of dirt
On top of his head
Now that he is dead
He tried to give up bad habits
And come closer to God
Now he's got it all
At the nod of his God
He passed
In his sleep
Without disturbing his wife Or his cat Just like that;
Under the lumps now he rests
Plastic flowers are best
Plastic flowers will last
When he becomes a forgotten past
The promise is dead
All has been said
Cold as lead are we
Dreams are begging
For a kind funeral
Let's not pretend any longer
Our blanket was swept away in the thunder
We are shivering
We are prone to accidental discoveries Of us
I dried my tears
I like the breeze between us
You don't need to warm me anymore
I shiver inside
At your touch
It is over
I am over you
Over us
Moving on
Not turning back
You have no power over me
I have no power over you
It is over
I have given up smoking Laughing and crying I've given up regrets and fears Those mixed up years Are over
You have nothing on me anymore
No one home No one to answer the bell No one at the other end No one on the other side No one to give a hand No one to understand No one to mend my heart No one to offer a new start No one home
The clapping stopped The trophies presented The audience left To finish their living No more rushing Nowhere to go Nobody waiting
To my son
You cried for mummy and daddy
You roamed and wandered
A chatterbox
Smiling
Kissing
Waving goodbye You were growing away More every day
You picked pebbles And flowers And sticks And words And reason On the road Growing away More every day
You chased birds And dogs And people Growing away More every day
You were Coming and going Singing sad songs Drying tears Playing mad tunes Growing away More every day
You were a wild boy Flying high Living it up Before redirecting Refocusing as fathers do Slowly Cautiously Becoming a man Coming home every day
Watching the children play Worried about them running Away
More every day
Slowly and sensibly Guiding
Kissing the pain away More every day
Coming home to stay Playing with children And memories More every day
Are your sails still tight My son
Are your anchors up
Are you still adrift
Looking for your star
Does a downtown light
Shines a promise still
Do not sail too far
Do not cry inside
Build the bridges son
Plant your garden
Be an invincible
Build the homeward road
It hurts this letting go
This breaking of the heart strings
When I don't
You don't
And nobody understands
But we must go on It hurts this letting go
This breaking of the heart strings
When I don't
You don't
And nobody understands But we must go on Are your sails still tight My son
Are your anchors up Are you still adrift Looking for your star Does a downtown light Shines a promise still Don't' sail too far Don't cry inside Build the bridges son Plant your garden Be an invincible tree Build the road leading home
My son
We are living to each other's expectations
Polishing shelves of our existence
Hiding cupboards of secret places
My wisdom is a dot on the horizon Compared to your blissful ignorance
Son
You sit on the ground
Scared of my reaction to your flying
I am trying to understand That skies are made for you
Hanging on your heart strings I try to sing A farewell song I want to free your wings And let you fly
My son
I still regret the words I said
The way I let your dreams grow cold
My son
Don't let me see my madness in your face As sadness has no place Where dreams should be
When I'll be dead
These poplars tall
Will play a lullaby for me
And full moon's playful madness
Will bring me no more sadness
Sleepless nights and senseless fights
When I'll be dead
Just gleaming stream
Blue clear sky
The blades of grass
The birds and I
When day is done
And friends have gone
The time is still
The sun is hot
These waters
Like a clock run home
To make a cloud
To wash the world
And run downstream again
So where my dreams have ended now
Your hopes will grow
We are just a river running from the cloud
As full moon's playful madness is bringing sadness
Sleepless nights and senseless fights
I've run my race you take my place
God sets our clocks
He charts our streams
He gives us dreams
It's not for me to say
Which way you'll go
I'll lay down low
And watch the river run
I can not stop God's clock to rest with me
I can not take with me the spears That pierce the heart
I leave you son A title to the house A piece of top dirt Night to hide in Moon to curse God to blame Fences to keep you in A well for tears
For when love will try to blow you away Sunshine to warm your head When I'll be dead
I am a link Holding eternity And a chain of events
I am coming
I am finally coming
Around
I am a link
Without me
The chain of events
Could not link God to eternity
My son
You are next in the chain When mine is done You will carry the pain Until we meet again
Remember those cups with little blue flowers
Dad smashed them didn't he
You picked them up
Dad was whistling in bed
I stood behind you
Your tears were falling on the floor
And on me
You said: I am not crying You were lying then weren't you I was about two wasn't I
Conscription Benediction Redemption We can not Will not
But somebody should Do something
War goes on in prayers For peace
Dead soldiers can't kill
I found an acorn in the city park The mother oak looked well Her acorns underneath Were looking for the ground To grow their roots
I took the seed
And planted it in Lightning Ridge Like someone planted me The first and only of my kind In foreign ground
I wonder if this acorn carries memories Of old grandfather tree Oak cousins
Friends and other branches of the family Are they in acorn's tapestry Is the core of the oak tree Ever crying For his family
Is acorn anything like me Does it remember days of history And in it me
To my friend God
There is God One God
Worship nothing but God There is God My God Waiting
God do you remember The time
When things were not yet As they are
The time when you were Just happy to be
Do you remember us two As we met On top of that hill I saw you looking at me Your face in the sky Through the umbrella Of budding branches Talking to me As I sat on the moss Looking down on my home My mother and father Working the field The bees in the flowers The birds in the nests When you and I met When I was so happy to be Close to you Do you long
For the place where we met For our paradise lost
Why try to enhance That which we once had Why travel through time Why wander away
We created the world Now we search For the paradise lost For the place where we met
God
Help me forget the glory That wasn't meant to be Measure my wine and my smiles Stop my heart
From leaping into uncertainty
I long for painless love
To warm my heart in safety
God measure my smiles and my wine
You know how my heart
Starts dancing foolishly
With the memory of him
I pray my God
To let you know
What you already know
To let you see
What you already see
Please
Speak to me
Please let me be
The best you wanted me to be
God you know Why I am I You created me You believe in me
Are you just a Cross
Or kingdom too
Are you the boss
Or a slave likes me
You do so much for me
What will you have me do for you?
One step closer To knowing If God
And everlasting love Are just fantasies we play with As we try to catch up with each other On our way to eternity
One step closer All equally near To the almighty
Thine the glory and the power I resigned from competition I stepped aside Finally
Not so terribly unhappy About my place Not crying as much Things don't have to happen My way
I forgive myself for not coming First
Thank you God For my place
The meaning of it beyond me The wonder of the unity
According to your plan
Bound by love
And evil
End to end
Forever
I am looking for someone Who is looking for me
Only God can see My futile attempts to escape The ropes that hold me back So the love won't blow me away
Demanding praise
Glory
Love
Obedience Fidelity From his peers
Are Gods
Counting popularity votes In heavenly democracy Deciding on rain and sunshine Punishment and reward To live in glory Loved endlessly
God made this day
By word alone
He quenched the earth
By weeping clouds
A day well spent
The watering done
The prayers said
I watch in awe
Grey green leaf
Trembling in the wind
Green grey day Spent
For myself
G'day to me Forget all others Smiles Handshakes
Yesterdays and tomorrows Forget the death
G'day to me
Play on piped piper
Happy land is around the corner
The same piped piper Piping the same pipe dream For ever
The road is all One way traffic to eternity A glimpse of truth A hint of perfection And the ashes
Every word that you said Every kiss that we had Our eyes as they met Our souls As we parted All that we had Ashes
Play on piped piper
Happy land is around the corner
I am coming mother We will tell each other About the Lord and his mother We will kneel down We will rejoice in each other
I am coming father We will tell each other About Cinderella And the prince dancing For ever after
Play on piped piper
Happy land is around the corner
Ashes Cinderella ashes
To wade through
On the way to heaven
The prince is dancing without me
On his way through hell
On his way to heaven
I remain your Cinderella
And my prince is dancing without me Play on piped piper
I grew up in the days When everyone knew Where everyone stood When one did the tasks One felt that one should The one shining the floor Could not wish for more While those that could ponder Would plan And aimlessly wonder
Computer
I loved your playful way
Responding to my fingers' play
Your hard drive's heartstrings taking me away
Then suddenly and unpredictably
Like people die you died on me
I trusted you
I put my heart into your memory You had no right to die
I begged embracing you To come alive
To think my thoughts and feel my pain To work again
You punished me for trusting you
You died like flowers do
You left me like true friends would too
You took my pain
You died for me
You left the box
An empty case
That held my life
My mirror vision
My second memory
I pressed a button to delete Your life complete I contemplate new start Much wiser now I do not trust my heart
I am your Christmas cheer Shoulder to cry on A dog to kick
An obstacle to your freedom A ground to lay your blame on I don't dare wet your Christmas With my tears I clap for your success To spend the energy I could use For climbing walls and hitting bricks
Voices of the night tip toeing Through the maze oflife Looking for final solutions Clearly written in the stars
All is calm as daylight comes Dewdrops of wisdom dry Night voices die
We made progress With my naked eye I can not see
Unwanted hair on my face Or yours
Lines around our eyes Brown and white spots Appearing in unusual places
My feet are not aching To dance any more I listen to songs of long ago I close my eyes To see the wild flowers Of the wild days dancing To the music of the wind
I am fifty
On my face victory Over anxiety Fear of rejection Fear of old age And the big bad wolf
I can share the limelight and smiles
I don't need it all
I can sit on the sideline
Enjoy the sun
Without running scared
That I am not good enough
I don't sleep with regrets any more I don't go over my words at night I watch and remember Warm and tender The lights and sights passing
I enjoy all perspectives I don't have to convince anyone At fifty I have nothing to prove I've done my best
I want to pay now I don't want to count minutes By small dawn payments Until my funeral I am still alive Only your love is dead Was that all there was
We made it We blame each other For the monotony of years But then God We are still here
We made it so far Many didn't They are missed Messed up Or dead Or forgotten Or all of the above
Like a river we carry debris Like a river we keep running
I need someone to laugh with Or at
Someone to hold on the sunset And share the sadness of its passing
By day I walk the roads With strangers Singing for money Smiling for favours Cursing ever so quietly
At night
My skies are blue My roads are wide
Flowers bloom in my hands
Smiles decorate my face
You come to me
Don't turn on the light The pictures of the night Might die
All of me May be less Than you need What I am Is all you get
You want to be best To win this contest You will abstain From loving the longest
I provided a measure of greatness For you I let you win I gave in Pleaded guilty
As you killed my desires and yours
You won your contest You killed my desires and yours You shelter in my arms now And wander What to kill next
You are waiting for me to confess
And beg forgiveness
For all you have killed
You are waiting for my tears
You are ready for my caresses
You hope that I will
Make you a hero
Appoint you a judge
Of my impulsive actions
Erratic decisions
Ambiguous indecisions;
That I will beg you
To decide for me
Which way to go
Which tricks to play?
Which lies to tell?
Smiling sweetly I killeayou off a bit every day I denied you the right to make me cry When you raised your voice And hit the table
I killed you off a bit every day Smiling sweetly And shaking inside me Died
I made you Who you are
A monster feeding on my tears You sucked my blood
You took the song off my lips, Wiped the smile of my face Threw mud on my forget me nots
Nothing more to destroy You have no power over me My tears dried
I can catch smiles in the wind Hear words of praise On the road To new me
I pricked a hole in your balloon
The wind will not carry you above me anymore
You will be trampled on the ground
Dazzled by the beauty Afraid
To lose the prize That was never mine Longing to hold and to have The star Forever
Never to be afraid
Of going away
Same distance forever
On parallel roads into
Unknown
Never asking
Why
Where
When
Why
Animals need no God They fear man
Who multiplies uncontrollably Man has God on their side Animals have men against them They hide They can not pray Dumb they are dieing
Looking through the windows of today Crying with yesterday's sorrows Dreaming of loving tomorrows Trying to see today the way I dreamed of it yesterday
I looked at the lady next to me In bed at Macquarie hospital An old lady
The nurse told another nurse About the old darling And how old are you The nurse asked me I said fifty
Same as this old lady
Said the nurse
She wandered
Why my pulse rose sharply
You proved that you love me By staying with me By never letting me be Me
Now you want me To gratefully say You showed me the way
Do not fret Dead is
What we were born to be
Do not fret When all is lost We are free
Dog on a leash Never to stray Never to wander away Dreaming about being free
Dog without a leash Nobody lets him in Nobody is asking for him
I appointed you my judge You convicted me Sentenced me To fidelity For life
I beg for mercy And pardon Every day One life
Is all you can take
I am playing hide and seek Inside myself Out of reach I am not competing For your trophy anymore I am not playing by your rules I am playing hide and seek Inside myself
My better late than never wisdom Is down to you I would never be where I am If you did not cut my wings To stop me flying
You are my path to redemption A cross ofmy salvation You rub out the danger Of joy ever ruining my chances You shield the sun I would never be Where I am If it wasn't for you
A stump
Without spring buds Stuck in the rock I want to step away Small steps Slow steps Life steps Away
I would never be where I am If it wasn't for you I would never be as wise as I am
If you did not cut away my wings
You spent on me Pearls of wisdom Gained from mistakes You joyfully made
I hate your advice I'll float or go under Through my own blunder
I don't want to see The rocks on the ground The knocks all around Waiting for me The price will be greater But I choose to be wise later
Day by day Repetition Reflection Reformation
Day by day Regret Revision Rejection
Day by day Retribution Redemption Regression
Day by day Repetition Repetition Repetition
Day by day Remorse Repentance Reconciliation
Day by day Regeneration Reproduction Reincarnation
Day by day Repeat of yesterday Day by day Today
A shadow of yesterday
Events keep me On my toes I pretend To be alive While life goes on And on
As I play with the dials Of time passing
I report to friends that events eventuated I redecorate the news to amuse I pretend that things are going my way I exist
I have no idea why
For words not spoken For ties broken For songs unsung I mourn Your passing The tune on your grave A reminder Of us
Star dust Among stars And words I exist A weed
Lost in a bunch of weeds Waiting to be named On the seventh day Until again I lay me down As dust to dust
Do flowers bloom For me
Do they know that they are my flowers Growing in my garden Drinking my water Are they afraid
That I will shake the dirt off their roots Replace them with younger ones Place them to dry for the bonfire Scatter their ashes Around the seedlings
Fresh in the sunrise Morning dew on their faces They beg for another day
Racing ahead The ones in front Scared to look back The ones behind Gasping for breath To the end To the end For a shiny moment Of dying
I don't care if you are not here You are nothing to me I have become a part of eternity I am only a drop in an ocean Of tears cried before me
Playing cards on my computer I daydream of blossoming And being sixteen
At night
I dream of killing time Playing cards
Is time like me Waiting To be dead
No one to walk with No one to remember with Going Going faster Every day
Wise ones Gone
Fathers and mothers Dead
Teachers and preachers Irrelevant
Children
Waiting for me
To show the way
I should know
I walked the road To the end
Cold angel stones On top
White bones underneath Food for thought Those stones Food for roses Bones
I hear good things said By those on top
About us below
I am glad
To be mourned
As prematurely dead
I want a new dollar
I want a new love Big shiny dollar Everlasting love
I need an ace To win the game Any game Any pack of cards
I bought an oyster shell And found her pearly pain That will through death again Become a light For my delight They'll look at you You'll shine again And hide my pain
Sixty is not so bad in your company
Grey hair flying in the wind
Without a rinse or shame
Your hands as warm as creases of your smile
We are remembering
The springs
And other things
Sixty is not bad in your company
I've walked my roads leaning on you Lean now let me help too
The seed of greed I need I need My need The murky water Quenching roots of greed Beneath our feet The weed
Stark bare breasts Hidden nests of fear For my inspection only Feeling for lumps Cancer is his answer Malignancy Positive Like a prize Wise old man My doctor
He dealt with it before
Farewell my lovers One last sunset One last meeting Final curtain One last chance To be loved forever
Children are looking to the future Parents are buried in the past
I am the presence Trembling for one more day Searching for you
Time
To be sad
Time to be glad
Time to make words
That we never said
Time to feel close when far apart
Time to look into my own heart
Time to let stars stand still
Seeking reflection in your eyes
Time to remember
The birds singing
Clouds dancing
Sun rays resisting the darkness of my soul I will make time to remember The blue of your eyes
Our wings flapping in the wind We surrender to gravity
The road is all One way traffic Everybody is Equally near
The road is all there ever was The dream is all I ever had
What a beautiful day Greenness washed with the rain The sunflowers following the sun I am so fine
I lost touch with anxiety I am free
Blown away like a soap bubble Not missed by anybody
No longer hungry Or hurting Dead
Not afraid of dying Cold
Not afraid of ice Alone
Not afraid of you
No regrets No guilt No shame Nobody cares
What words are said
We are
Demanding recognition of right
To be
Loved
Adored
Special
To significant others To hold them all In awe
Playful little idea Like god Never to die Grow old Go away Like love Like us Never to be Never to end
I run my obstacle race I do my best I endure Pace myself For the test To last
As long as it takes To brake the line Be done Triumphantly Win or lose
Makes no difference at the end Of the obstacle race
The three of us met And knew That all of us Wanted to be The two Sadly We parted As three times one
Walking a black dog
Wagging a friendly smile
Black dog telling
Black stories
And then
You call my name
With a sing-along voice
With the spring in your step
You walk with me
Awhile
In the dust
Of the day
Walking a black dog
I am
Acting predictably Equally responsible Equally innocent Sitting in my carriage I steer my course Into an unknown I came from
Vote for me Aborigine!
Your daughters with babes in arms
Leaning on babes unborn
Babes rearing up babes
Need governments
Like mine
More money for empty hands More games in the pub More videos for your home
We will play music for your corroboree We will cut your clap sticks
Equal rights Beer pie and hamburger Coke and chips And smokes
Pregnant No problem On drugs Never mind
No windows on houses? We will supply We will not allow poverty In this country In prison
Trouble with authority We pay your legal aide We let you go free We will order everybody To love Aborigine
Freedom from God
Spouse and property A part of community Never asking How full is the full moon
Communal juices Perpetuating the misery Dry
Communal singing In the black hole Of the full moon Of communism
Sharp
Is the edge of the moon?
These poems were written during my husbands last days in 2013
Growing away every day Every hour knowing less Of who we were Every moment we are less To each other Closer to death Undoing all we did Paying for the wrongs Emptying the well of tears Washing away yesteryears Saying goodbye
Not knowing any more or any less
Of where we were
Or where we are going
What is this thing we are going through
Looking for God
Waiting for God
Hold his hand and pray They say Talk to God
God takes away the tears God destroys despair God be with you Heaven is real Hell is not
Growing away every day Every hour knowing less Of who we were Every moment we are less To each other
You are no longer who you were
You cannot say who you are now
You are a stranger to me and to yourself
I have to merge into the long forgotten single line
I look at flowers along the road Waiting to be picked Everybody wants to be chosen Everybody needs to hold someone To be held
Wherever you are We are
Forever in line To be picked
And become a first choice for each other
Nobody to share the news The sounds of birds in the breeze The smells from the kitchen The memories of yesteryears The pictures The songs
Cabbages are making heads
Oranges are ripening
The big tree-our tree
How we admired that tree
And the birds having party time in it
How we loved to watch cockatoos
Having breakfast
They on sunflowers
Us inside
Singing as we went And laughed
Pointing out people and things
Events and memories
Making plans for grandchildren
Loving them more every day
We were holding hands like a daisy chain
for over half a century
I am nothing now
Nobody wants to know
Nobody wants to see what I have done
Nobody to rejoice with
Or cry
Or just sit in the sun Empty seat next to me Empty home
Pictures on the wall tell our story
to my empty heart.
Since I am no longer half of you
I don't know who I am
Did I ever know
Was I ever anybody in particular
Was I ever the same today as I was yesterday
Was I ever certain of where I was going
Was I ever certain of anything
Like a show flake lingering in the air for a moment
Like a butterfly floating from flower to flower
Like a breeze moving itself
And us along
Specks of dust of different manifestations
Going hand in hand forever
Making bubbles of life on the way
Bubbles of fragility afraid of fading
Of bursting into nothing
Hoping to make another bubble in the afterlife
To start again with a stronger everlasting
Less afraid light within
Shining into eternity
Searching for the heart of it
For the head and heart of it
For the last secret
for the mystery to be revealed
Will we ever know
Why we followed the script so willingly Why we thought that it was us thinking When all the time we just followed What was written in our head and heart For us to do
Build a nest, store food, court and mate and procreate Nurture, guide and die Like a flower on the roadside
Shedding seeds of new
Knowing finally that nothing ever is
Old or new
Like specks of dust
Hand in hand we go.
We visit a friend in a nursing home
You are scared
Of people unable to move
Unable to beg
Unable to cry
Without a shoulder
To lean on they wait
You are afraid of once loved faces
Waiting for God
Lips in prayer
Hands folded in resignation
Lonely days are long
Endless nights whisper of the end
There is John, your friend, I say
Careful he might hit you Says the security man
John whispers: water Help me out in the sun
He is not allowed out he can't get a drink he hit a nurse
Careful he might hit you too Says the security man
John's lips are trembling His hands are shaking His eyes are filled with tears
He has to learn He has to be a good boy
At eighty four
Careful
He might hit you Says the fat security man
Let's go home, you beg With tears in your eyes.
It is the end of the line for you What is there left for me Just God holding my hand Saying follow me
Nobody on my side now Nobody praising me Or criticising Alone
The half of me The half of you Longing for unity
All ties broken No one to report to No one to consider No one to be afraid of No one to be angry with No one to love No one to dream about Freedom is death
Spray them dead
Ants, spiders, cockies, mice, weeds, cats, dogs, And enemies
Dreams and flowers die of old age Worn out
Memories go with the refuse
Shop
Garden
Cook
Wash
Dust
Wipe
Scrub
Dream
Enough.
Another murder on TV Another romance in a book Another misery disclosed Another mystery solved In the headlines
Local murder like a breeze refreshes stale dialogues
Enough
Frocks
Shoes
Hairpins
For the ball
Gala event illustrated
A joke retold
A compliment rewarmed
Tired feet turn home
Enough
Cheer up
Life goes on
What a beautiful day
Best time of the year
Best time
End of time
The end has come No turning back No coming home No one to welcome me No one I want to see Nobody To love me
How could you leave me In the middle of life And die forever
We walked hand in hand To the end
How could you leave me then Without mercy Unprotected Unloved
No longer tickled to tears No longer anybody To anyone
Nobody to give a damn If I die
Like you died
Nobody to share my dreams Or food or bird watching Nobody to live for
In the middle of the night In the middle of my life In the middle of nowhere Not belonging Unknown Alone
1.6.11
First winter day Cold inside and out. I am in the cold. Lonely people hold my hand They walk with me There is no desire for friendship or relationship I am treading lightly
I do not want to offend the fragile disillusioned people
who want to comfort me
I am very alone
You were the centre of my life
Time is running out Yet games have to be played Laughter to be laughed Songs to be sung People to meet Decisions to make Distractions to create
Needy people
Lonely animals
Ignored flowers
Are waiting for my attention
I close my eyes To dream Escape the pain To join my God To start again As someone else Someone so young And full of hope So much in love I close my eyes to sleep and dream
Our eyes met in a dream But our feet took us away We wanted heaven But we chose hell.
Touch and go forever Chasing each other Through hell
In the obstacle race to heaven
I ssearch dark corners of my dream To see
If you found me
If I found you
Like we promised
To be forever
I pray every night
To meet you in my dream
We travelled on our cloud For half a century
Touching each other's sacred places
Open eyed
As a lullaby
Every night
We promised
Eternity
Fidelity
Felicity
To each other
you were my lullaby? My dreamland My destination My eternity You were my lullaby My promise My sanctuary
God gave me fear and sadness
And words for love
I have no words for emptiness
Silence screams at me
The end is near
Life is closing down
Wash, wipe, polish
Sleep eat drink
Wash wipe
Sleep
It could not hurt as it does This emptiness inside me
There must be a poem wanting to emerge
In a sad pain of birth
A bud in the making
A flower of the future
In place of emptiness
It could not possibly hurt so much
Just emptiness
Sitting on top With the view over creation struggling to stay alive
Not hot or cold outside Nothing inside Nowhere to hang my hopes My longing has no address
Sitting on top
With a long way down
With a clear view of abyss below
Holding on
Not knowing how long Or why I don't jump
Those below Want me to jump To make room For the next in line
When did I die
Since nobody is happy because of me Since nobody prays for me Since people like me Only pray to die silently Pain free
Without becoming a nuisance Incontinent Begging for mercy We pray silently
The world ended when you stopped loving me Says the song
Only in my nightmare
I see you
Knowing me
Only in a dream we are
There is no dream without us in it
But the dream is fading into daylight
Without us in it
Chasing the wind to catch the time To turn the time around To change what was To spend the moments as I should To use my time for something good Instead I chase the wind As time goes by
I watch it go and wave goodbye I join the wind I get along
Where we will end nobody knows
I pray at night
To meet you in my dream
To see
If you found me If I found you Like we promised to
We travelled on our cloud For half a century
Touching each other's sacred places
Open eyed
For a lullaby
Every night
We promised
Eternity
Fidelity
Felicity
To each other
I came to see That part of me I left with you In sixty-two I came to see What did you do With what we called Our destiny I came to see If it is true
That love lasts for eternity
I came to see
If really
That part of me
With part of you
Was best of us
I knew
you knew
That love with you
Was true
Who would believe That long ago I was seventeen
I looked at the sky and saw eternity I looked into your eyes and discovered Love
Like nobody ever knew
Everlasting
And true
The first flower of spring The everlasting spring Who would believe that I knew When I was seventeen What nobody knows now. Seventy on the front page Of me
Seventeen inside
Not at all me Inside
Not at all what we were To each other Seventy
Stars in the eyes Shy
The words of loveliness afraid Hands tucked away Seventy on the front page Seventeen inside
I had a hidden gem Of rare beauty Nobody admired me Because of it It was hidden for safety But we knew
We would be poor without it
If I could frame and protect the moment we met
As we kissed
Remember the joy
As we held each other
knowing full well that we were
Forever
Embraced in the love Of our spring If I could
I would frame and protect the moment we met in my dream
I would save it for my evenings alone
I am running Tired
But I am running The finishing line Is a blur
But I am running I must not be left behind I will never catch up If I stop running
To find God To be God To be near him To be him Adored Obeyed Worshiped Envied
I smell the roses I smile at children I pray for mercy I hope For love
I dream of being Just right in your eyes
I touch your side of our bed You are not there I listen for your breathing The gentle tremor of our bed My bed is silent
Where are you now I need to hold your hand Will you have a cup of coffee A lolly, a chocolate, an apple, a kiss What are you going to have
The world is away tonight This is an ordinary night I never had an ordinary New year's night With the world far away
A year turning A lifetime ending A moment in time A drop in the ocean A picture Complete Nothing is missed Nothing is lost
Did anyone notice That I do not love That I am not loved
Did you find in me what you were looking for
Or maybe something more
For a moment you were a part of me
And I a part of you
as one
In a book of time Nobody can rub out What we had Or imagined we had
What have you left with me What have you taken of me
But life goes on-they say Whoever they are
Numbers follow each other on the clock
Days change names
Birds are nesting
Bees are buzzing
I only remember
Our moment in time
Just a stone on the grave of what used to be us
Just the wind blowing
Raindrops
On what made us embrace Life
Just the rain on the stone now Tapping away Echoes whispering Your name
Going going Coming closer every day Almost there Where the rest is a must Set in a stone Decorated with angels
Fragile twigs for decoration of dead dreams
Dry dirt underneath
Summer fires are dead
Nothing grows
All is spent
And said
I don't know why I still wish that you were alive I don't know what we could do At this hour If anything
I am merging
I am becoming a part of everything There is nothing apart from me Nothing to fear Or hate
All is perfection Forever blossoming Blooming Singing dancing Dying only to begin again World without end According to the plan It will remain a mystery Revealed at His will
The road is grey
The smiles are dead
I am waving goodbye
To an empty space where you
Made me alive
Now you are dead
Now all that we had
All that was said
All that we wished
Is in my head
As I wave goodbye to emptiness
The bunch of words we wrote
The lights we found
The scents we embraced
The summer grass
For us
Forever
In heaven we will be Forever
Clean and chaste In His glory
Without a struggle to come first
Without the fear to be last
Without the need to be more loved
We will be
Unafraid
Forever
Do we all wish To be Dead
To have and to hold At a fair distance In admiration To walk in your footsteps A fair way behind Alone
Looking for God To show the way Be on my side Against the enemy
I weep for things I left unloved I rushed ahead To shine my light I closed my ears To your music Trashed the flowers You have picked I pushed ahead Afraid to be last And left behind
I plat a wreath of words
For our grave
I pray for you to know
I know that you know
We hear the same song from the distance
A promised Saviour Born again Forever promised It has been written On lily white pages On the essence of our being It has been written What was to be
In the spring of our blossoming Following us into the desert of our living For the remembrance days Of the images of our spring
You were my lullaby My dreamland My destination My eternity You were my lullaby My promise My sanctuary
Maintaining status quo Keeping in tune In step In order
Invisible shadow of what we once were
I hide what once was
I stretch days
To hold the baby
Never born
Off us
For us
In the making
Walking Waiting Anticipating The next step Crossing the next line And then you came Smile all over you Like rain On dying flowers Sadness gone, Thirst quenched Future beginning Restlessness settled Ready to go One step after another
Sounds looking at each other
Up and down
From every side
Holding hands
Words smiling at each other
The song
They make
The picture
Painted by them
The tears of joy
They created
Satisfied
They smile
Sound to sound
Word to word
Changing
Dresses
You create words To tell me who I am Again and again All of you walking with me Moulded me into a sentence I stand at the end of the road I am a full stop confirmation A testimony of your words Made into a story of us all Nobody can separate What melted into one book Of what we met on the way To here Where
The words in the stone Tell us to rest in peace.
Now we know Who we are
Part of each other's picture We hear echoes from afar Familiar We are
I read Good News The word of God Lost in a maze of words I try to decode To see
To understand To be Like She Or He
Who makes me want To see And be
A part of the life
Everlasting
Ever-changing
Looking to the future
Remembering the past
Dancing
Believing
Hoping
Loving
With him
In Him
The creator
The creation
To the end of times
To the end of universe
With almighty
Being one
A little bit sad A little bit mad Forever hoping For a winning ticket To a better tomorrow
The moment passed But we hold the memory That lasts
We knew it then We know it now We held the universe In our eyes
We were born for that moment That union
Leaving us the memory Of life
You came into my dream
From your grave
Small
Childlike
You asked
If I still hold
The memory
Of us
Before
Transcending
Into night
You came to see
If you still make me happy
Within
Where we were Before the grave Became your place You do I do
We meet We are
Where we have always been Together forever
You are alive We are going To meet again
I water my roses
Over the fence The little white daisies With a hint of pink On the edges of petals In stony dry bed Are praying for rain Never picked Just looked at Over the fence Outside the fence Where wild things grow Like our love Searching for unity Outside the fence Outside of us
We understand each other Feeding as we are From the same ocean Swimming as we are In one eternity
We know what it is like to be As we are
Small within the universe Twice as big together Rushing
With twice the need to succeed And grow bigger
We know what it is like to be smaller Without
We experienced the shortage of love We both need to be recognised We are
Unwilling to share
From the picture on the shelf
You look at the empty seat next to me
Into my lost eyes
Into my empty day
Are you waiting for me
Are you waiting to be with me
Like I am waiting to be with you
To be as we were
Hand in hand
I play games
I do not expect to win
I do not know the rules
I am not looking into the future.
I don't want to review the past.
I want a distraction.
A dream to take to bed.
A reason to survive until tomorrow.
A reason to get up for in the morning.
A reason to forget that we are not going anywhere.
Running on empty To keep alive
Brick on brick A monument of my life Going going Coming closer every day Almost there
Where Rest in peace is a must Set in a stone Decorated with angels
No more questions There are no answers
The mystery is more mysterious every minute
The universe is bigger every moment
The eternity is longer every day
The stars fade away
In the sky and on the sea
There is no forever
There is no everlasting
Everything is changing
Touch and go Butterfly Visiting all Waiting for one True love
Fly Butterfly Before the flowers die Catch the sunshine Before the sun sets And smiles are at rest
Touch and go Forever
The wave of the sea Meeting the shore Like the two of us Everlasting duet Dreaming of unity
We search
For memories of places where we were For the shiny apple of the knowledge tree Showing us the way To heaven As we wade Through hell
A memory Of how it was Fading
We are who we chose to be We are home With nowhere to go Folding our sails We are here to stay
I am on the road to heaven Singing for money Smiling for favours Cursing ever so quietly
I arrived to the end of the road
The sky above
The valley below
Waiting for me
Left right
Never to stop
Time goes on
Never to rest
Never whole
Never finished
Dying bit by bit
Every day
The mourners waiting respectfully To cry into white hankerchiefs For their beloved Departed
You will never be forgotten You will live in our hearts Says the obituary As the relatives argue Splitting the remains
Give thanks for being By leaving a trace Of living
Of occupying a moment in eternity Of using the space in the universe.
Mosquitoes love me
Sun set behind the red line of the horizon Crickets sing lullabies As the sky lights up million candles For my pleasure
The wind is dancing on the leaves
The rustle of the petals is scenting the air
When I sober up
I will forget the tears
The fears and the laughter
I will be strong
Fearless
Decisive
Creative
Cheerful
Getting along
You died
Fragile twigs for decoration
Withering
On dry dirt
Nothing grows
All is spent
And said
I don't know why I still wish that you were alive I don't know what we could do If you were At this hour If anything