Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
Alan McConnell-Duff
Language Editing in English
Lektoriranje v angleščini
Summary
This article is an extension of the materials and approaches first presented at a seminar of the
same title, organized by the DZTPS in Ljubljana, Ma'y 2003.
The four main sections are:
I. Introduction
II. General Principles and Approaches
Including:
• common typographical errors
• transcription of names and dates
• collocations
• guidelines for revvording and correction
III.Word Order & Punctuation
A close study of one of the main problem-areas in language editing
IV. Open Questions
Discussion of examples which contain different types of errors, and of sentences which, al-
though not "wrong", could be improved.
A brief list of books and articles related to language editing is given in the concluding Se-
lected References.
Abstract
Članek je nastal kot nadaljevanje gradiva in pristopov, ki so bili prvič predstavljeni na semi¬
narju z enakim naslovom, maja 2003 v organizaciji DZTPS.
Štirje glavni razdelki so:
I: Uvod
II: Splošna načela in pristopi, ki vključujejo:
• pogoste tipografske napake
• transkripcijo imen in datumov
• kolokacije
• smernice za drugačno ubeseditev in popravke
III. Besedni vrstni red in ločila
Podrobna obravnava enega od poglavitnih problemskih področij pri lektoriranju
IV. Odprta vprašanja
Razprava o primerih, ki vsebujejo različne tipe napak, ter o povedih, ki sicer niso napačne, a
bi jih lahko izboljšali.
Kratek seznam knjig in člankov o lektoriranju je naveden v sklepnem razdelku Izbrane na-
vedenke.
5
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 6-24
I Introduction
This is an endeavour to synthesize the expe-
rience I have gained over several decades as a
translator and language editor or lektor. I add
the Slovene word lektor because it does not
entirely overlap with the English expression
"language editor". Both terms cover the reg-
ular task of correcting language errors - from
spelling and punctuation, through word or-
der, word choice and tenses, to style and regis¬
ter - as well as final proof reading.
However, the language editor has some-
what more freedom than the lektor to propose
changes in the presentation of thoughts, and to
suggest necessary cuts or additions to the text.
In the approach to this material, therefore, I
have both terms in mind.
The Material
Ali examples given are authentic and (with
only a few exceptions) are derived from trans-
lations from Slovene into English, or from doc-
uments written directly in English by native
speakers of Slovene. VVhere possible, or neces-
sary, I have also given the Slovene original for
comparison.
In selecting the examples, my two main con-
cerns were that they should:
i) illustrate typical errors, and therefore
serve as a useful guide for preventing similar
II General Principles and
When Gombrich refers to "seeing" he is
speaking of the artist's way of viewing the
world, and of the viewer's response to the
vvork. He goes on to add that "the greatest of
ali the visual explorers, Leonardo (da Vinci)
himself, has been shown to have made mis-
takes in his anatomical drawings. Apparently
he drew features of the human heart which Ga-
mistakes, ii) be dravvn from a wide range of
(non-literary) sources - company reports, offi-
cial correspondence, Internet messages, medi-
cal, technical and political texts, publicity bro-
chures, etc. - in order to suggest that the same
type of language problem (e.g. ambiguity be¬
cause of faulty punctuation) may occur in dif-
ferent contexts. In Sections II and III, the com-
ments are focused mainly on individual errors,
while in Section IV the range is extended to in-
clude "mixed" or multiple errors, and also sen-
tences which are open to discussion, i.e. the
suggested alternations are optional.
Although the title "Language Editing in
English" does not mention the translator, it is
understood that he or she is also a lektor(ica)
or (self-) editor. Ali the questions raised are di-
rectly relevant to the translators' vvork, since
it is their difficulties with vvhich the editor is
dealing. This is why, in the second half, I have
also spoken of the translator's motivation. In a
profession in vvhich one more often receives
criticisism than praise, it can be disheartening
- after a lengthy struggle with the text - to be
confronted vvith the task of "entering the cor-
rections". Yet translators do not always com-
plain. Some even admit to enjoying it "because
it's useful learning". In that positive špirit, I
trust that this article may be of practical help.
Approaches
Much of what we call "seeing"
is conditioned by habits and expectations.
(E.H. Gombrich, Art and Illusion)
len made him expect but vvhich he cannot have
seen." And finally he notes that: "The vvorld
may be approached from a different angle and
the information given may yet be the same."
The language of art is not unlike the lan¬
guage of translation . It is partly bound by the
"language" of the vievver: a wave, as painted
by Hokkaido is, in a sense, a Japanese wave;
6
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
a wave depicted by Turner or Delacroix could
also be seen as an English, or French, or "Eu-
ropean" wave. Yet, in whatever "language" we
describe it, a wave is a wave.
In translation, one is transferring not merely
the meaning (or facts) from one language into
another, but also the implications, reservations,
nuances, stresses and emphases, marks of ap-
proval or disapproval, respect or disrespect. In
short, many of the "fine details" which paint-
ers also include in their works to give "true col-
our" to the whole. As Rembrandt does in his
use of gold ornamentation in both the positive
and the negative sense. Gold can have many
meanings.
For the language editor or "lektor", and for
the translator, the two crucial questions are:
1. What may be being lost from the original,
and how can it best be restored? 2. Does the
translation have a natural flow, or is its course
being too strongly directed by the source lan¬
guage? To both of these questions the an-
swer most frequently given (by professionals)
would be: "Improvements could be made- but
we don't have the time!"
This is true. It is also the reason for my wish-
ing to suggest, in this article, certain princi-
ples, guidelines and approaches which may
help the language editor / translator to iden-
tify more swiftly the most frequently recur-
ring deficiencies in translated texts. Or, to put
it more positively, to focus on what often "goes
wrong" - in texts of ali kinds - and yet can eas-
ily be improved.
What Can Go Wrong?
Or, What Can Go Wrorong? Typographi-
cal errors are, of course, the most dreaded of
ali. Many good (and expensive) publications
have been seriously damaged by a misprint
on the cover of an otherwise flawlessly pro-
duced publication. The late Anthony Burgess
even playfully referred to this on the cover of
his book entitled "Language Made Plain", or
LANGUAGE MAID PLANE. Printer's "grem-
lins" - as such errors are sometimes called -
have a mischievous way of sneaking into the
text where least expected, particularly into fa-
miliar words such as height, first, width, contin-
uous, planning, believe, research, etc. Recently, a
Medical Research Institute arranged for the
printing of a large number of attractive look-
ing folders for holding documents at confer-
ences and meetings. Sadly, it was too late when
the mistake was noticed in the Capital letters
on the cover: MEDICAL RESERACH INSTI¬
TUTE. The entire batch of folders had to be
withdrawn. Because the eye tends to see what
it expects to see, the most glaring errors often
occur where they are least expected:
i. In headings, captions, titles, lists of con-
tents, addresses (the word address is itself often
wrongly spelt), bibliographies and referenc-
es. The use of Capital letters - perhaps because
they look so "confident" - seems to further in-
crease the risk of error. For instance:
• FURTURE DEVELOPMENT OF COMMU-
NICATION STARTEGIES
• CEREMONY IN FRONT OF THE PALAČE
OF NATIONS ON OCASSION OF...
• ACTIVITIES IN PRERATION
References in the Literature appendix also
have a deceptively confident look. One feels
that they can be trusted because (surely?) they
have many times been checked and repro-
duced. But they are not "gremlin proof". For
example:
• Kamrin R., Buchsbaum HW (1965) Large
vascular malformations of the brain no visu-
alized by serial angiography. Arch Neurol 13:
413 - 420. {no should be not)
• Kudo T., Tadokoro M. (1989) Experience
with the ultrasonic aspirator in a cavernous
hemangioma of the cavernou sinus. Neuro-
surgery 23: 629 - 631. (final s missing in cav¬
ernous)
Errors may also derive from the source lan¬
guage text, when a vvork is incorrectly cited,
as here:
• International Trust Found je zazširil svoje
delovanje na področju razminiranja v Jugovz¬
hodni Evropi. (Found should be Fund.)
These might seem to be minor, if bother-
some details. Hovvever, no error in the Refer¬
ences can be considered "minor", since it is in
7
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 8-24
this section of a scientific / academic paper that
the author is "presenting his / her credentials"
to the professional reader.
ii. In brochures, guides, programmes, time-
tables, publicity material, etc. Errors in materi-
als intended for the public are particularly un-
welcome because: a) the texts will be read by
many people, b) they usually contain a mixture
of national, local and / or professional pride -
linked to financial interest, c) printing mistakes
demean the text. As here:
• (M.K.) is appearing as soloist with the Phil-
harmonic Sting Chamber Orchestra in concerts
by Vivaldi... (String Chamber Orchestra, con-
certos by...)
• .. .has won first prize at the Competition of
Tree Nations. (Three Nations)
• Summer Festival tickests are extempt from
the Value Added Tax. (exempt, tickets)
• 3rd MEETING OF VVASTE MANAGE¬
MENT SUBGROUP LJUBLJAJA, SLOVE-
NIA, APRIL 25 - 26, 2002 (A particularly nas-
ty gremlin, fortunately spotted just in time!
Ljubljana, of course.)
• In this guide for translators and writers
into English the most typical and recurrent de-
fects, errors and diffuculties are shown. (From
the back cover of a book - which I wrote! - not
without difficulty.) Indeed, we can ali make
mistakes.
iii. In official correspondence, press releas-
es, website pages, etc. In letters, the errors will
usually not be seen by many eyes, and may be
even benignly overlooked. (After ali, native
speakers also make mistakes in their corre¬
spondence!) A few examples:
• We are looking forwad to vvelcoming you
in Ljubljana, (fonvard, welcoming you to... If
the main body of the letter is correct, the mis¬
takes might be ignored.)
One mistake, hovvever, which is less easi-
ly overlooked is that of confused spelling of a
person's name.
For example:
• (letterhead address, correct) Dr. Varady
Laszlo. (Opening greeting)
a) Dear Dr. Varadi,
b) Dear dr. Laszlo,
c) Dear Dr. Varady,
In a čase such as this, the confusion is un-
derstandable. The writer of the letter may have
met Dr. Varady at a conference and been given
his visiting card: Dr. Varady Laszlo. (In Hun-
garian, the sumame customarily comes first.)
Back in Ljubljana, several months later, the
writer wishes to contact Dr. Varady again. Sub-
consciously, she /he might be tempted to tran-
scribe the sumame as it would be in Slovene: a)
Dr. Varadi. Or, perhaps to sound more familiar,
b), might use the first name - Laszlo - but for-
getting to add the (important) accents on a and
6, and instinctively using the lovver čase d for
Dr. Likevvise, c), the writer might opt for the
"intemational" solution - Dr capitalized, Var-
ady - no accent.
The issue of the correct transcription of per-
sonal and plače names does, I know, deserve
greater attention. Here, however, I should
merely like to say that ali names (in the Latin
alphabet) should be written with their original
diacritic marks and accents, and that the "in-
ternational" tendency to omit these essential
features should not be encouraged. The phi-
losopher Descartes should remain Rene (not
Rene), the tennis player Borg should be Bjorn
(not Bjom), and the composer Krek should be
Uroš (not Uroš). More will be said on this mat-
ter at the end of section IV.
VVebsite messages, press releases and adver-
tisements reach far more people than does of¬
ficial correspondence. Also, since the texts are
usually relatively brief, any errors will be ali
the more noticeable.
For instance:
• Prime Minister Drnovšek resignes from the
Office. (resigns, office - no article, no Capital O)
• The participants found the database useful
and supported the continution of this activity.
(continuation )
• The year 2002 was very successful for our
company. This was the year of our lagrest in-
vestments in our 12 years history. (largest, 12-
year)
• In our bank, special emphases has been
laid on the increase in interest-free income and
8
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
developement of new Services, (emphasis, de¬
velopment)
• KEY VVORDS: spatial planing process, sus-
tainable development, physical space, inter-
departmetal linking. (spatial planning, inter-de-
partmental)
iv. In graphs, charts, tables, lists of figures,
"pie charts", etc., and also in the use (punctua-
tion) of abbreviations. The main problem area
is almost certainly that of the conflict between
the English use of the decimal point (10.7%)
and the European use of the comma (10,7%).
Translators and editors have to be particular-
ly careful to ensure that figures which appear
in the text are given in exactly the same form in
graphs and tables.
Likevvise, the "house style" of a document,
e.g. a company Annual Report, must be con-
sistent. For example:
• 10. Share Capital SIT 14,170,448 thousand
Krka's share Capital amounts to SIT
14,170,448 thousand.
This is correct usage, since the heading cor-
responds exactly to the first line of the text. If,
later in the text, a more general statement is
made, a different formulation might be accept-
able, e.g.
• Considering that Krka's share Capital
amounts to over 14 million tolars, we may ex-
pect that...
Consistency must also be observed in the
writing of dates. Three equally valid options
are stili in use:
a. March 31, 2003
b. March 31st, 2003 or 31 stMarch, 2003
c. 31 March 2003
My preference is for c., since it helps to avoid
a clustering of figures by separating the day of
the month from the year. (A fourth, less often
used alternative is the Roman-style date: 31. III.
2003.)
My reason for beginning this article with
what might seem like a statement of the obvi-
ous - i.e. that typographical errors persistent-
ly (and perversely) occur - is that I wished to
draw attention not so much to the errors them-
selves but to the reasons why they are easily
overlooked. One reason is that, as Gombrich
suggests, we are inclined to see (and expect)
familiar pattems. Some of these pattems are so
"fixed" by usage that they do not tolerate dis-
ruption. For example:
• sooner or later / prej ali slej
• more or less / več ali manj
• black & white / črno belo
There is no particular reason why, for in¬
stance, a film or photograph should not be
described (in either language) as white &
black - but it is not. One follows the "unvvrit-
ten rules". When an expression is common to
both languages, but differs in word order, that
difference must be respected in translation:
Research & Development work / Razvojno-
raziskovalno delo. (Comparable "fixed" com-
binations would be: Arts and Crafts, kulturno-
umetniško društvo, Profit &Loss Account,
lektorsko-prevajalska služba.)
Word choice is also governed by customary
usage. For example:
• I read with great interest your article on
"Hydrolosis..."
Could the word great be replaced by a syn-
onym? For example: big, vast, immense, large,
enormous, huge, grand. Out of the seven, only
tvvo might be acceptable - immense and (in
the spoken language) enormous. Yet there is no
"rule" which prevents one from saying vast or
huge interest.
Similarly, in Slovene, one may say: rahlo
dežuje (scattered rainshowers), but not lahko
or slabo dežuje (literal tr. - it's raining lightly or
weakly). Or: lepo pozdravljeni! (VVelcome. /
Greetings. / Hello, and welcome...etc.), yet not:
odlično or dobro pozdravljeni (literal tr. - excel-
lently or well greeted). Nevertheless, one does
say dobrodošli (welcome) and not lepodošli (lit.
beautifully come!).
These established usages are so familiar to
the native speaker that they usually pass un-
questioned - until they need to be translated.
A letter or speech in Slovene beginning with
the straightforward greeting Spoštovani! (lit.
Respected persons) cannot be so concise-
ly rendered in English. The safest, though
not satisfactory solution is to begin with
Dear... follovved by a suitable noun: Partic-
ipants / Reader(s) / Colleagues / Guests. In
9
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, IO-24
each instance, a different solution needs to
be found.
Another aspect of language which is also de-
termined by "unwritten rules" is that of trans-
ferring, perhaps unconsciously, from the spo-
ken to the vvritten idiom. For instance:
• (letter from a doctor to the editor of a med-
ical journal) This group of authors has pretty
good neuroanatomical backup for their clini-
cal work.
The expression pretty good is quite acceptable
in speech, but in the written context it sounds
too informal, even though this is a personal let¬
ter. More suitable vvords vvould be: relatively or
fairly, or else the word could be simply omit-
ted. Other expressions of a similar type are:
quite a lot (of), lots (of), a bit (of), doing fine,
getting along well, super, tremendous, fabu-
Guidelines
1. Target readers
Is the text intended primarily for the pro-
fessional reader, the general public, or pcssi-
bly both?
2. Style & Register
What should be the prevailing register:
highly formal, official / administrative, neu-
tral, semi-formal / relaxed, informal or even
intimate? This is particularly important in de-
termining the correct tone for correspondence,
both official and personal.
3. Presentation & Format
Do any changes need to be made to the for¬
mat of the original text? For instance:
• Are the paragraphs of suitable length (in
translation)?
• Is the use of upper čase (capitalization)
consistent? Are acronyms (NATO / Nato,
UNESCO / Unesco) and abbreviations (e.g., i.e.,
etc.) correctly and consistently transcribed?
lous, etc. What may be charmingly direct in in¬
formal speech, and even in formal spoken pres-
entations (e.g. at congresses), may not have the
same desired effect in a printed article.
This is why vvriters, translators and editors
need to be ever alert to language vvhich does
not sound "Guite right" in context.
In the follovving sections we will be return-
ing again, from different aspects, to the ques-
tion of: What is the most suitable formulation
of vvords in a specific context? Context matters
greatly, because if we do not know who the in¬
tended reader is we cannot properly assess the
language.
Before turning to specific examples, I should
like briefly to note some of the self-imposed
principles or guidelines vvhich I follovv in lan¬
guage editing / lektoriranje.
• Type-face (or font): are stress-markers,
such as italics, underlining, and inverted com-
mas ("..." / '...') actually needed and correct-
ly used?
• Punctuation. Do the brackets (...) or /.../
begin and end in the right plače? Should hy-
phens (-) be dashes (—), and should single
dashes be double dashes? Which vvords should
be hyphenated (long term / long-term invest-
ment)? Could linking vvords such as and, but
or also be replaced by a semicolon (;)? Are ex-
clamation marks (!) necessary? Are Roman nu-
merals follovved by a dot (IV International Fes¬
tival / IV. International Festival)?
This list of questions could easily be ex-
tended. I vvanted to point only to some of the
main disparities that may occur.
Other general principles vvhich are equally
valid both for translating and for editing in-
clude:
4. Addition for the sake of clarity.
If a sentence is difficult to understand on
first reading, it may be because helpful "lit-
10
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
tle" words have been omitted. In addition to
prepositions, these include: which, that, it,
this, both...and, however, do / does / did, etc.
Such words may have an important effect on
the meaning, as is illustrated by this example
(of correct usage) from a BBC report:
• Prime Minister Tony Blair noted that Euro-
pean countries exported more to Asia than did
the United States.
The words that and did are both structurally
important, and should not be omitted. Indeed,
if did were left out the sentence would be am-
biguous, i.e. it could also mean that European
States exported more to Asia than to the Unit¬
ed States.
Even when there is no risk of ambiguity, it
may be advisable to add words for the sake
of clarity, as here:
• Information on radioactivity and ivork of
ARAO provided by the agency is meant to in-
crease the public interest in nuclear issues.
Reword as:
• Information on radioactivity and on the
work of ARAO provided by the Agency is in-
tended to increase public interest in nuclear is¬
sues.
Or for the sake of accuracy:
• In 2002, the Supervisory Board met in five
regular and one irregular correspondence ses-
sion.
Reword as:
• In 2002, the Supervisory Board met in five
regular sessions and one irregular correspond¬
ence session.
If there is any likelihood of ambiguity or
misunderstanding, one should not hesitate -
merely for the sake of elegance - to add or re-
peat clarifying words.
5. Deletion
There are few vvriters who use too few
words, many who use too many. Usually, how-
ever, it is not the writer but the translator who
is blamed for this diffuseness or "padding" as
it is popularly called. In the spoken language,
a certain amount of looseness is to be expect-
ed and is often tolerated, even in formal situa-
tions. For instance, a speaker at a conference or
symposium might, in order to strike a more in-
formal note, use expressions such as: what it ali
boils down to is..., or thefact of the matter is, or to
be perfectly honest with you (can one be "imper-
fectly" honest?), or in my humble opinion (really
"humble"?), etc. In the written language, how-
ever, such expressions sound merely like cli-
ches, vvhich indeed they are.
Translators often claim, quite justifiably, that
they do not have the right or the authority to
"improve" on the original. Hovvever, I believe
that translators do have the right to intervene
if they feel that they can make the translation
sound less clumsy than the original. One un-
obtrusive way of "silently editing" the text
is to trim down some of the common ready-
made phrases, e.g. na področju, v okviru, kot je že
rečeno, which need not automatically be trans-
lated into English as: in the field / area of, within
the frameivork of, as earlier t already mentioned. In
the first two cases, the word in (without field
or framework) is often sufficient; the third ex-
pression is usually redundant and can often be
omitted.
When dealing with official documents it is
advisable not to over-intervene, i.e. not to re-
move too many apparently superfluous words.
In the example below, from an Annual Report,
the translator has skillfully contracted the text
without losing the "rhetorical flourish" at the
end of the Director's Statement:
• Glede na našo dinamično politiko zaposlo¬
vanja in obstoječo kadrovsko sestavo, so ti cilji
gotovo uresničljivi, tako da z optimizmom in za¬
upanjem gledamo na še eno uspešno poslovno
obdobje, ki je pred nami.
• Given our dynamic employment policy
and existing staff structure, we are convinced
that such goals can be implemented; therefore
we are looking forvvard with optimism and
trust to another successful financial year ahead.
If the concluding words had been literally
translated, the text would have sounded more
cumbersome: ... yet another successful Business
period, which lies before us. The translator has
neatly avoided the trap of overwording.
11
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003,12-24
Repetition of a word or structure may pass
almost unnoticed in the source language, yet
seem clumsy in the translation. For instance,
expressions in Slovene such as čim manj, čim
bolj, čim več, čim prej have a convenient com-
pactness, which may explain why they are of-
ten (over)used. The equivalent English for-
mulation as...as possible is, by contrast, less
concise (which may also explain why it is less
often used).
An example:
• ... in vam hkrati želimo veliko sreče pri za¬
gotavljanju neposrednih sodelavcev in produk-
cujskih partnerjev - tudi iz Slovenije - in čim
manj problemov v realizaciji, da bi tako vašo
multimedijsko serijo Europe 2004 lahko vide¬
li čim prej.
• ... and wish you at the same time the best
of lučk in finding associates and production
partners - also from Slovenia - and as feiv prob-
lems as possible in its implementation, so that
we will be able to view your multimedia series
Europe 2004 as soon as possible.
Revvord the end of the sentence as:
• ... so that we will soon be able to view your
multimedia series Europe 2004.
The removal of as soon as possible not only
shortens the sentence but also brings it to a
firmer conclusion. In cases such as this - and
there are many - deletion of words is fully
justified.
Weak endings
As we have just seen, the focus of a sen¬
tence can be improved by ending on a firm
note. Translators are often confronted with the
problem of where to plače qualifying words,
usually adverbs, in the best position. Typical
examples are: too, also, as well, after ali, im-
mediately, respectively, lately, recently, di-
rectly, etc. For example:
• Many studies have examined possible me-
diators of the coupling betvveen neuronal ac-
tivity and CBF, but only a few studies have
examined the relationship between the CBF
findings and neuronal activity directlp.
By shifting the "weak" end-word directly to
an earlier position, we not only give it prop-
er prominence, but also make the sentence
more immediately understandable:
• ... but only a few studies have directly ex-
amined the relationship betvveen the CBF find¬
ings and neuronal activity.
Likevvise in the follovving example, chang-
es in vvord order and vvording vvould pre-
vent the sentence from ending on a "falling
note":
• Slovenia and Estonia share (the) common
values, such as peace and security, human
rights and prosperity, vvhich is the founda-
tion of their close cooperation at the multilat-
eral level as well.
Routine diplomatk language, such as this
is, tends to be even more vvearisome because
it lacks "bite" or tautness. In the sentence
above, the vvording could be tightened:
• ... vvhich also form the foundation of their
close cooperation at the multilateral level.
Or, more freely:
• ... vvhich are, indeed, the foundation of...
The question of vvord order vvill be dealt
vvith more fully in the follovving section.
To conclude this introductory part, hovvev-
er, I should like to add a fevv personal observa-
tions about the technique of language editing
and "lektoriranje".
Approaches to textual correction
Correcting a text is not merely a matter of
taking out a red pen and altering the errors.
Indeed, I suggest that the colour red should
be sparingly used. My reasons for saying so
are that:
i. Errors differ - in type and in importance.
They range from straightforvvard typographi-
cal mistakes, through missing articles, incon-
sistent tenses, faulty punctuation etc., right
up to defects of style and register, and - per-
haps hardest of ali to correct - confused sense.
A grammatically "correct" sentence is not nec-
essarily free of error. Lengthy sentences, espe-
cially in legal and technical documents, can-
12
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
not always be shortened merely to make the
text more readable. In formal correspondence,
there may be clashes of register, even though
the meaning is not unclear. For the person who
receives the corrected text, i.e. the translator or
editor, it is important to be able to distinguish
between serious and incidental errors, between
corrections which must be made and sugges-
tions for improvements whichmight be made.
If everything is marked uniformly in red, these
distinctions are lost.
ii. Context matters. In language editing and
revision one must always ask: Does the lan¬
guage suit the context? And, by implication, is
it appropriate for the intended reader? For in¬
stance, vvould an emotionally charged word
such as provoke - which is normally assod-
ated with violent acts or political disturbances
- be suitable in a strictly medical context? Sur-
prisingly, it can be used, as in: "the severe in-
flammation was provoked and further aggra-
vated by the administration of non-prescribed
drugs." Here, provoke is being used in the Lat¬
in sense of provocare (call forth/challenge/bring
out). It wou!d be a mistake for the language ed¬
itor to alter this to a more seemingly neutral
word such as caused, initiated or induced. The
language editor, therefore, must take čare to
check whether such an (unexpectedly povver-
ful) expression is acceptable in medical texts.
One may also encounter expressions which,
if one is not an expert in the field, may seem il-
logical or even incorrect. For instance, in finan-
cial reports, the expression: negative goodwill
to describe the loss of goodwill, possibly from
a takeover, or because of contractual disputes.
Here, too, the editor vvould be wise to dou-
ble check before making a correction vvhich
vvould, in fact, be vvrong. After ali, good trans-
lators can generally be relied upon to knovv the
correct terminology. Also, in my experience,
they will always mark in the text (by deep-
shading or question marks) any expressions
about vvhich they are uncertain. This helps to
establish a dialogue betvveen the language edi¬
tor and the translator, and again points to the
need for more discretion in correction: red is
not the only colour available.
iii. Motivation. Translators work under con-
siderable and constant pressure. Not only do
they have to meet deadlines - how appropri¬
ate is that grim sounding word! - but also they
have to deal vvith often hastily vvritten texts,
last-minute alterations, complex terminolo-
gy and convoluted structures. Their efforts
to provide a good translation in time to meet
the dreaded deadline often pass unacknovvl-
edged ("many a flovver was bom to bloom in
the desert sands unseen"), yet any defects vvill
immediately be noted. It is not praise but crit-
icism that the translator most often receives.
What is vvell done is not noticed, only the er¬
rors stand out. The language editor (or lektor)
should, therefore, help to right this imbalance
by also indicating in the corrections those So¬
lutions vvhich vvork vvell (an occasional tičk S
of approval is enough), and by suggesting al¬
ternative translations vvhich the translator is
free to accept or reject. In my ovvn experience,
this form of dialogue is most effective: once the
main problems have been detected, they can
usually be solved on the phone or by fax / e-
mail, and often the best solution vvill turn out
to be a third idea, sparked off by the dialogue.
Colour system
For ali the above reasons, I prefer to use a
three-colour system for correcting texts:
• red for typographical / printing errors
only,
• blue for general errors, e.g. vvord choice
/ vocabulary, tenses, vvord order / punctua-
tion, etc.; and also for changes to be made even
vvhere there are no actual errors, e.g. adding
/ deleting vvords, improving the sequence of
thoughts / sentence structure, etc.
• pencil for suggestions or points open to
discussion, e.g. offering alternative expres-
sions, vvhich the translator / editor may or may
not agree vvith; and also for raising queries if
I feel that I have not properly understood the
text - especially if I do not have access to the
Slovene original.
Although this system may seem unnecessar-
ily complex, I find it particularly helpful vvhen
doing the second revision, since it is then that
I often find better Solutions. Hence the useful-
13
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003,14-24
ness of having some corrections in pencil - to
allow for afterthoughts.
I should like to end this section by stres-
sing the importance of the second revision.
During the first correction, one's mind is at-
tempting to čope with two different, though
interlinked matters: meaning and language
correctness. On second reading, with correc¬
tions already made, it is far easier to view the
text as whole and to spot whatever one has
(almost inevitably) missed. Just as, in an un-
familiar city, one always notices more when
walking down a Street for the second time.
III Word Order & Punctuation
What is above ali needed is to let the mean¬
ing choose the word, and not the other way
about.
(George Orivell)
Word order is governed not so much by
rules as by customary patterns, usage and ex-
pectations. Some of the so-called rules, e.g. to
never split an infinitive (!), are today freely
broken. One may have been taught that one of
the basic rules of word order is time, manner,
plače, yet this is little better than a guideline.
The order may be flexible, e.g. "Exhausted by
the long delay at the border, the delegates fi-
nally arrived at the conference centre at 10.10,
just in time for the opening ceremony." Man¬
ner (exhausted), plače (conference centre), time
(10.10) - the order is inverted, but the sentence
has the right impact.
To follow the time-manner-place "rule"
would be to sound textbookish: "At 10.10, the
delegates, exhausted by the long delay at the
border, finally arrived at the conference cen¬
tre, just in time for the opening ceremony." The
first version is definitely preferable.
There are, of course, certain "unwritten
rules" in word order, i.e. set combinations
or patterns of words which are resistant to
change, possibly because they are euphoni-
cally satisfying - as speechmakers well know.
In expressions such as the follovving there is
no clear reason why the word order could
not be reversed, except that it would "sound
The main function of punctuation is to make
perfectly clear the construction of the written
words.
(G.V Carey, author's italics)
wrong": ways and means, aims and objec-
tives, tried and tested, back-to-front, up-
side down, for better or for vvorse, more or
less, ins and outs / ups and downs, a long,
hot summer, pros and cons, a full, detailed
report, a hard day's work (or, in the Beatles'
song, A Hard Day's Night), etc. We could say:
cons and pros, objectives and aims, or a hot
long summer - but we don't. Ingrained lan¬
guage patterns have a strong influence on the
way in which we order our thoughts. In do-
ing so, we often rely on connectives and qual-
ifiers, e.g. but / and / or, nevertheless, ali the
same, despite (this), in addition / further-
more, etc. Where we plače them, however, is
often open to choice.
Let us now turn to some of the most fre-
quent causes of word order disturbance. One
of the commonest is what I would call "struc-
ture stretching", i.e. words which naturally be-
long together are kept too far apart.
Structure stretching
If the verb is separated from its subject or ob-
ject by too much intervening text, the reader is
likely to be confused. As here:
14
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
• I propose that the date of yoiir visit, which will
provide an excellent opportunity for the ex-
change of our views on further development
of bilateral cooperation between our two
countries and on various issues and chal-
lengeS the international community is facing
be agreed upon later.
One possible improvement would be to be¬
gin the sentence: I propose that we agree lat¬
er upon the date of your visit, which will...
However, a better solution would be to di-
vide it into two parts:
i. Your visit will provide an excellent opportu-
nity for...
ii. May I propose, then, that the date (of your
visit) be agreed upon later?
In this way, the verb propose is directly linked
to what, specifically, is being proposed.
Even in shorter sentences, the same ap-
proach should apply:
• Thank you very much for entrusting me to
share my opinion regarding further treatment
of Ms Mojca Oblak with you.
(from a doctor's letter to a colleague)
Reword as: Thank you very much for en-
trusting me to share with you my opinion re¬
garding further treatment of Ms Mojca Ob¬
lak.
The verb could be regarded as the tree-
trunk of the sentence, to which ali other parts
- branches, twigs, and leaves - are directly
or indirectly connected. As was mentioned in
Section II, in English it is often preferable to
plače the verb in a strong position, after any
adverbs, qualifiers or time-markers, particu-
larly at the end of the sentence. As here:
• With Slovenia's integration into the Europe-
an Union our international obligations will
increase further.
Reword as:
• ••• will further increase.
Or here:
• Now, six months after the onset of the dis-
ease, the patient is without pain, remains
blind on the ipsilateral side, and the func-
tions of nerves III through IV improved only
partially.
Reword as:
• .. .have only partially improved.
Or here:
• Due to the need for a final disposal of LILW,
the final solution for the short-lived LILW is
the key issue of radioactive vvaste manage-
ment in Slovenia at the moment.
Reword as:
• ... is at the moment the key issue of radioac¬
tive waste management in Slovenia.
(In this example the time-marker, at the mo¬
ment, comes after the verb - with optional com-
mas.)
Conditional forms of the verb - would,
could, should... be - do tolerate some "split-
ting" or intervening text, but helpful punctu-
ation is required.
• (Natura 2000 sites)
Nevertheless, the requirements for ensur-
ing the favourable conservation status of var¬
ious EU-important forest habitat types and
species should be incorporated in the plans more
explicitly.
Revvord as:
• ... should be more explicitly incorporated in the
plans.
In the next sentence two Solutions are pos¬
sible:
• The plans should especially in Natura 2000
forest sites deal more with the preservation
and establishment of key habitats.
Reword as:
• The plans - especially in Natura 2000 forest
sites - should deal more with the preserva¬
tion...
Or:
• The plans should, especially in Natura 2000
forest sites, deal more with the preserva¬
tion...
Source language influence
Follovving too closely the SL word order and
punctuation may lead to confusion or misun-
derstanding. For instance:
• (Zavarovalnica Triglav) In 2001 especial-
ly university educated persons were em-
15
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 16-24
ployed. Compared to 2000 there were 27
more university trained employees. At the
end of 2001 32% of ali employees had univer-
sity education, or 788 employees.
• (V letu 2001 smo zaposlovali predvsem kadre z
visokošolsko oziroma univerzitetno izobrazbo.
Tako je v primerjavi z letom 2000 zaposlenih 27
delavcev več z visokošolsko oziroma univerzi¬
tetno izobrazbo. Delež delavcev z visoko oziro¬
ma univerzitetno in višješolsko izobrazbo je ob
koncu leta 2001 znašal 32 odstotkov vseh zapo¬
slenih oziroma 788 delavcev.)
The translator has succeeded in reduc-
ing the length of the original by eliminating
some of the redundancies in the text. This is
a good example of the translator acting intel-
ligently as editor, by considering the Eng-
lish reader of the annual report. Neverthe-
less, the translation as it is could be slightly
improved.
Revised translation:
• In 2001, Triglav's employees were mainly
university educated/... we employed main-
ly university educated staff.... At the end of
2001, 32% (i-e- 788 employees) had university-
level education.
In negative sentences, confusion may be
caused by placing the word not too far away
from the vvords to which it directly refers. As
here:
• The Journal seeks to embrace three proc-
esses: management concepts and processes,
globalizations and transitions, which are ali
not specifically tied to one area or academic
discipline.
(Koper Faculty of Management)
Reword as:
• ... not ali ofmhich are specifically tied...
Or here:
• The Port of Koper is one of Slovenia's most
povverful traffic magnets, and one which is
not important only for Slovenia, but also for
Austria and ali other East European coun-
tries.
Reword as:
• ... and one which is important, not only for
Slovenia but also for Austria...
Opening and closing sentences, particular-
ly in letters and official speeches, need to be
carefully worded. For instance:
• I am representing a nation at this confer-
ence, which has numerous experiences -
good and bad - vvith life in multicultural
and multireligious countries. We had lived
in the Habsburg Monarchy until 1918, and
then in Yugoslavia until 1991.
In order to avoid ambiguity, the opening
should be revvorded as:
• At this conference, I am representing a nation
which has considerable experience - both
good and bad - with life in...
(Note: the plural use of experiences is also ac-
ceptable here.)
Likevvise:
• Dear Colleague,
I received your letter dated 29 March 2002, in
which you informed me on Bulgaria's in-
tention to assume the Chairmanship of the
OSCE in 2004 and of the fact that it is a for-
eign policy priority of the Bulgarian Gov¬
ernment...
In this čase, it is not so much the word order
as the choice of words that matters - though
both reveal clear SL influence. A more suitable
opening vvould be:
• Dear Colleague,
Thank youfor your letter of29 March 2002, in-
forming me of Bulgaria's candidature for /
readiness to assume / the Chairmanship of
the OSCE in the 2004, and of the fact that this
is a foreign policy priority...
The next example illustrates even more
strikingly the natural tendency to follovv SL
word order pattems:
• Your Excellency
I have received the invitation of the Minister of
Health of the republic of Poland to pay a vis-
it to the Ministry of Health of the Republic of
Poland, and I wish to thank you for it most
sincerely.
(pred časom sem prejel vabilo ministra za zdrav¬
stvo Republike Poljske, da v letošnjem letu obi¬
ščem Ministrstvo za zdravstvo Republike Polj¬
ske, za katero se iskreno zahvaljujem.)
16
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
The English translation, though quite cor-
rect, sounds colder than the Slovene original.
The reason is, most probably, that the opening
words "I have received the invitation"... seem
to suggest that a negative response might fol-
low, e.g. ... "but, unfortunately, owing to prior
commitments, I am unable to accept." To en-
sure that the right message is conveyed from
the start, one would "put the good news first":
• Your Excellency,
J should like to thank you most sincerely for the
invitation 1 have just received from the Minis¬
ter of Health to visit /pay a visit to/ the Min-
istry of Health of the Republic of Poland.
One final word on openings in correspond-
ence: the expression with / by this letter (s tem
pismom) is less frequently used in English
than in Slovene. For example:
• Dear Prof. Paladino,
With this letter I would like to invite you to
participate as an examiner at the board ex-
amination...
Alternatives:
• (warmer)
-1 have the honour of inviting you to...
-I should be most grateful ifyou would accept
the invitation to...
• (neutral)
~ On behalfof the Klinični center I should like to
invite you to...
~ I would be glad / grateful if you would accept
an invitation to...
- My reason for ivriting is to invite you to...
Punctuation:
"to make perfectly clear the construction"
In vvriting, punctuation serves much the
same function as the characteristic markers
in speech - hesitations (erms/ums), pauses
for side-thoughts, interjections, vocal stress-
es, rhythmic changes, questions and semi-
questions (vocal parentheses), etc. Since I
have already dealt in detail elsevvhere (Into
English, DZS, Ljubljana, 2000) with the main
differences between Slovene and English
punctuation, here I shall concentrate main-
ly on the relation between punctuation and
meaning. Or, to put it differently: how punc¬
tuation can help towards more precise un-
derstanding.
In the first example, added punctuation
would help to tighten the structure:
• (On the siting of radioactive waste deposito-
ries)
The suitability assessment in the Area Sur-
vey Stage is planned in two steps: at first on
the basis of geological recommendations po-
tentially suitable areas have to be identified and
in the next steps these areas will be further
evaluated.
Change to:
• ... is planned in two steps: at first, on the ba¬
sis of geological recommendations, poten-
tially suitable areas have to be identified; then,
in the next step(s), these areas will be further
evaluated.
When two different statements are made
part of one sentence, a comma is usually not
strong enough to separate them:
• The participants were encouraged to pre-
pare their contributions before the meeting, 6
contributions were received.
Change the comma to a semicolon, or link
the two parts with and after the comma. In the
next example, a link is provided by and...
• Everything that is European is often linked
with the European Union only and there are
but a few who know that a certain document
originated in the Council of Europe.
Here, a comma is needed after only, in order
to indicate that these are two different state¬
ments. The word and should be replaced by yet.
The main function of the comma before and
is to prevent the eye from reading together
words which do not belong together. For ex-
ample:
• These lesions, when they are large, represent
a serious problem for surgery and complete re-
section is not possible in ali cases.
Here, a comma is essential after surgery in
order to avoid the combination of surgery and
complete resection. Two other words which
17
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 18-24
frequently need to be preceded by commas
are as and or.
• The pituitary adenoma presented has not
been removed completely as one can see in
fig. 10B.
Comma before as.
• It is actually an enormous relief to get from
one side of the park to the other without be-
ing mugged, beaten up, run doum or gassed
by the lakeside fog.
(The Spectator)
Strictly speaking, a comma is needed before
or (since one does not expect to be run doivn by
the lakeside fog!).
Although it is customary in technical writ-
ing not to punctuate over-generously, the (non-
expert) reader would at times appreciate some
assistance - especially in the form of commas.
• If the nonlinear static function is multiplied
by a nonzero real constant c and if the line-
ar part is divided by the same constant the
resulting model has the same input-output
behaviour. This redundancy of basic param-
eters can be resolved for example by fixing
the gain of the linear dynamic part.
This would be somevvhat easier to read in
the form below:
• If the nonlinear static function is multiplied
by a nonzero real constant c, and if the line¬
ar part is divided by the same constant, the
resulting model has the same input-output
behaviour. This redundancy of basic param-
eters can be resolved, for example, by fixing
the gain of the linear dynamic part.
The general points being made here are that:
i) when there are two (or more) if-clauses in the
sentence, they need to be separated by commas
or by dashes, ii) when/or example occurs in mid-
sentence it is usually marked off by commas.
When incidental or "footnote type" infor-
mation is included in the body of the sen¬
tence, the use of the double dashes (- ... -)
may be preferable to commas, particularly in
long sentences.
• After surgery, which may (and usually does)
go very zvell, the patient is wakened and ex-
tubated, but he/she may have (motor) tetra-
paresis, which may lead to insurmountable
problems with the lungs.
Since there are several explanatory comments
in this sentence - and therefore many commas
- the opening side-remark could be given be-
tween dashes: After surgery - ivhich may (and
usually does) go very well - the patient is...
Likewise, if the opening statement is sepa¬
rated from the main verb by a lengthy "foot¬
note type" interjection, the reader may be con-
fused by the use of commas:
• Participation of the target public in PCB dis-
posal, although to a lesser extent oriented to-
wards PCB equipment containing more than
5dm3 PCBs or PCB oil fillings, is preferential
and significant in particular for the manufac-
turing and energy sector.
If the commas were replaced by dashes,
the reader would more easily absorb the inci¬
dental information:
• Participation of the target public in PCB dispos-
al - although to a lesser extent... or PCB oil
fillings - is preferential...
Even in shorter sentences, the same strate-
gy may be appropriate, as here:
• (Meetings of the Presidents of Central Euro-
pean States)
These meetings have considerably expand-
ed the initial framevvork established when
four presidents from Austria, the Czech Repub-
lic, Hungary and Germany met in Salzburg in
1993.
Change to:
• These meetings have considerably expanded
the initial framevvork established when four
presidents - from Austria, the Chech Repub-
lic, Hungary, and Germany -first met in Slaz-
burg in 1993.
The addition of the word first (met) also
helps to clarify the focus of the sentence.
18
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
IV Open Questions
Errors cannot be neatly compartmentalized.
In any given sentence there may be several dif-
ferent aspects of language which need to be cor-
rected or modified., There may also be - indeed
there often are - sentences in which nothing is
"wrong", yet one feels improvements could be
made. It is these open questions that we shall be
looking at here, in the final section.
Style
i. Word choice
In the examples belovv, altematives are sug-
gested for the expressions underlined; where
necessary, other alterations are also made.
• (Invitation to a wine-tasting ceremony)
Fifteen samples that you will taste today are
the best that Slovenia canmuster in its wine pro-
duction.
(Petnajst vzorcev, ki jih boste poskusili danes, je
najboljše, kar Slovenija zmore na vinskem področju.)
Revvording:
• The fifteen samples that you will taste today
are the very best that Slovenia can provide from
its wine production / the very best that Slov-
enian wine producers can offer.
Note: The word muster has strong military
associations, and is close in meaning to mobi-
lize. Too strong in this innocent context. The
word very (best) has been added to give a pos-
itive stress.
• It is crucial that politics does not prevent the
media from access to information. The me-
dia, on the other hand, must be professional
enough to avoid tailoring information and to
take čare that their articles are credible.
Revvording:
• ••• The media, on the other hand, must be
sufficiently professional to avoid tailoring in¬
formation and to ensure that their articles are
reliable / trustworthy.
Note: In formal vvriting, the word enough is
usually replaced by sufficient(ly); this is an exam-
ple of the not-clear-cut distinction between spo-
ken and vvritten usage. Since a formal tone is ex-
pected here, ensure is preferable to take čare. The
word credible has the meaning of believable - but
not necessarily true. Here, the stress is on accura-
cy, veracity - hence my preference for reliable or
trustworthy (or accurate / dependable).
The next example is taken from the text of
a speech:
• (Knovvledge of microbiology is of the utmost
significance. In our company, special atten-
tion is devoted to food safety control.) We
have established ali tools for prevention of
any risk to our consumer. With this our high-
ly qualified experts and adequate laboratories
are of key importance.
Revvording:
• We have established ali measures to prevent
any risk to the customer. Our highly qualified
experts and excellent / well-equipped laboratories
are, therefore, of key importance.
Note: Tool(s) is a much overused word, and
one does not usually establish tools; here, meas¬
ures vvould be more appropriate. Our customer
-1 prefer the more neutral the. With this vvould
be clearer as therefore (especially in a speech).
Adequate is a semi-false friend: in English it
tends to have the meaning of sufficient, suit-
able, appropriate - but not much more (e.g.
"adequate accommodation" vvould be a room
suitable for a short visit - bed, desk, vvashing
facilities, but probably no vievv!). The laborato¬
ries must be more than "adequate", hence the
suggestion of excellent / well-equipped.
• Our company is aware that only motivated
and qualified employees can attain quality
and business excellence objectives set up.
Revvording:
• Our company is well avvare that the already
set / established quality and business excellence
objectives can be attained only by motivated
and qualified employees.
Or:
• Our company fully realizes that it is only
motivated and qualified employees who can
19
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 2O-24
attain the already established quality and
business excellence objectives.
Note: In this ritual sentence from a company
annual report, one needs to end on a bold, con-
clusive note. The phrasal verb set up is not hap-
py with its "last vvord" role. The two alternative
rewordings suggest how either of the two main
points - cjualified employees or business excellence
objectives - could be given greater prominence
by occupying the dominant final position.
ii. Repetition and redundancy
When translating, particularly under pressure,
it is often difficult to find time to refine the vvord-
ing of a sentence. The closer the deadline, the
more likely it is that the translation will be faith-
ful, but not elegant. The language editor, who
does have the time for reflection, should there-
fore be considerate in making corrections, and
also avoid the temptation to over-correct. In some
cases, the text may have been written directly in
English, i.e. not translated; if so, the editor needs
to be alert to subconsdous SL influences:
• (Refurbishment of the Central Interim Stor-
age for radioactive waste materials)
Optimistically it was expected that the re-
construction and refurbishment zvili be com-
pleted by the end of the 2003, now we zvili
be happy if the paper work zvili be concluded
and approval received by the end of the year.
As soon as the licence for reconstruction zvili
be granted the activities zvili start.
Revvording:
• Optimistically, it was expected that the re¬
construction and refurbishment zvould be
completed by the end of 2003; nozv zve zvould
be happy if the paper zvork, at least, could be con¬
cluded and approval received by the end of
the year. Once the licence for reconstruction
has been granted, the activities will begin /...
work on the Storage can be started. /.
Note: The repeated used of zvili is most prob-
ably a reflection of the Slovene bo / bodo. The
revvording suggests other possibilities (zvould
/ could / can), and also a change of punctuation
(;) and the addition of at least for emphasis.
• The hotel is located at the most attractive point
on the bank of the lake with a marvellous view
on the Bled Castle and its staffwtii look after the
vvell-being of the presidents and ensure ex-
cellent accommodation conditions for its distin-
guished guests during their stay there.
(Hotel, ki stoji na najlepši točki tik ob jezeru s čudo¬
vitim pogledom na blejski grad, bo s svojim oseb¬
jem skrbel za dobro počutje predsednikov in za
odlične pogoje bivanja eminentnih gostov.)
Revvording:
• The hotel is located at the most attractive
point on the lakeside, vvith a splendid / mar¬
vellous viezv of Bled Castle; its staff zvili attend
to / look after the vvellbeing / comfort of the
presidents and ensure excellent conditions for
the distinguished guests during their stay.
Note: The translator has wisely avoided im-
itating the Slovene structure, beginning Ho¬
tel, ki stoji..., since this vvould lead to too
many clauses marked off by commas in Eng¬
lish. Hovvever, to avoid the curious state-
ment "vvith a marvellous vievv of Bled Castle
and its staff", stronger punctuation is need-
ed, e.g. a semicolon. Two vvords have been
omitted - accommodation and there - because
both are self-evident.
The need for a punctuation mark before
and is again illustrated here:
• Slovenia signed the Treaty of Accession to the
European Union and the general atmosphere
here in Athens is correspondingly solemn.
(Slovenija je podpisala Pristopno pogodbo k EU
in splošno vzdušje tu v Atenah je temu primer¬
no slovesno.)
Revvording:
• Slovenia has signed the Treaty of Accession
to the European Union, and the general at¬
mosphere here in Athens is correspondingly /
suitably / appropriately / ceremonial.
Note: Slovenia did not sign the Treaty and the
general atmosphere! Hence the need for a com-
ma. The vvord slovesen/slovesno should not be
automatically translated as solemn. In English,
solemn is usually reserved for events such as
funerals, commemoration Services, svvearing-
in ceremonies, etc. (OED: adj. formal and dig-
nified, not cheerful or smiling, serious.) In this
example, ceremonial is more appropriate.
20
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
• It is a great honour and privilege for me to un-
veil the statue of the Slovene poet Dr France
Prešeren at such a reputable and important in¬
stitute such as Columbia University.
Rewording:
• ... the statue of the Slovene poet Dr France
Prešeren at an institution of such renown and
importance as is Columbia University.
Note: The word order has been changed to
avoid repetition of such as. Reputable is most
often associated with high moral quality;
here, renoumed or of renoion would be more
appropriate.
• (Funds needed from the national budget for
implementation of requirements under the
present Operational Programme are esti-
mated at a total of ca. 26 million SIT,) princi-
pally for development of more detailed plans
and setting up of the requisite records as well
as implementation of the target public avvare-
ness raising campaigns.
Revvording:
• ... principally for developing more detailed
plans and setting up the requisite records,
as well as for implementing the target public
awareness raising campaigns.
Note: The pattem for (the)... of, as in for de¬
velopment of, is somevvhat ponderous in Eng¬
lish, especially when repeated several times
in the same sentence. The use of the -ing-
form - developing, setting up, implementing -
gives welcome briskness to the wording, and
also cuts down on the length.
A comparable example of "heavy" vvord-
ing would be:
• (Statement by the Management Board)
Our long-term goal is the satisfaction of our
customers and associates. Hoivever, such a
goal can be achieved on the basis of constant
training, research, discovering ofour custom-
er's vvishes, by the adaptability ofour offer with
the view to fulfilling the vvishes of the users of
our Services, as well as by fast and deliberate
decision-making.
(Zadovoljstvo naših strank in sodelavcev je naš
dolgoročni cilj. Za doseganje le tega je potreb¬
no neprestano izobraževanje, raziskovanje,
odkrivanje želja komitentov, prilagodljivost
ponudbe z namenom izpolnjevanja želja upo¬
rabnikov naših storitev ter seveda hitro in preu¬
darno odločanje.)
Official statements by Management Boards
are, in any language, prone to rhetoric, grandil-
oquence, and statements of good intent. The lan¬
guage also tends to be uniform: the same pious
vvords could be used, with only minor chang-
es, by almost any company. (The example above
happens to be dravvn from the Annual Report of
a bank.) It is not surprising, then, that the transla-
tion may sound dutifully good, but weary. There
are no errors, merely the familiar word-blur. One
might ask: is it vvorth trying to revise such a text,
since it contains little that deserves careful read-
ing? Probably not, but lefs try:
Revvording:
• Our long-term goal is to satisfy our custom¬
ers and associates. Achievement of this goal
recjuires : constant staff training, research,
discovering our customers' vvishes and
adapting our Services accordingly, and also
rapid, yet vvell-considered decision-making.
Note: The original translation has been re-
duced in length from 59 vvords to 37, i.e. by
more than one-third. This does not, hovvev-
er, mean that the revised version is better; it
is, merely, shorter. Nevertheless, if vve con-
sider that these tvvo sentences represent only
a fragment of the Report, then one could ar-
gue that the final Report might be approx-
imately one-third shorter. That could be a
vvelcome gain. On the other hand, the re-
vision of just these tvvo sentences took 15
minutes - and stili may not be satisfactory.
Therefore, the additional time invested in
thoroughly revising the full report vvould
be one-third more than that required for an
honest (if unambitious) piece of editing.
Conclusion: The time invested by the lan¬
guage editor/translator vvill directly reflect
the importance of the content of the text.
Routine thinking, alas, deserves routine
translation.
21
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 22-24
Summing-up
In 1947, George Orwell published one of his
most notable essays, "Politics and the English
Language". His comment on "modern Eng¬
lish" is stili relevant today: "Modern English,
especially written English, is full of bad habits
which spread by imitation and which can be
avoided if one is vvilling to take the necessary
trouble. If one gets rid of these habits, one can
think more clearly." In his well-known novel
1984, he even invented a word for politically iv.
manipulated language: Nevvspeak, in which
"old" expressions are deliberately eliminated,
and the meaning of the new words is dictated
by "Big Brother". (One wonders how he might
have reacted to someof the excesses of present-
day Eurospeak!)
The main aim of this article has been to show
that the most frequent types of language error
can be identified, and therefore avoided, even
though they may appear in different contexts.
Although there are few rules, there are sever-
al sound strategies which an alert translator/
editor can adopt. To summarise the guidelines
given in section II, I would give prominence to
the follovving:
i. Overall style. Formal, semi-formal, collo-
quial (written/spoken), informal? Who is
the intended reader?
ii. Purpose/Intent. Or, why is the translation
needed? This question is rarely asked, be-
cause the translator naturally assumes that
it must be needed. This is not always true.
If the purpose of the text is known, e.g. for
display on the Internet, or for use in public-
ity material, the entire text might not need
to be translated. To quote from my own ex-
perience, I have several times been asked to
translate (very convoluted) press revievvs of
theatre performances, only to find that just
a few "snappy quotes" made their way into
the final brochure. Work wasted. Transla-
tors should protect themselves against un-
necessary workloads.
If it is possible to cut a word
out, always cut it out.
(George Onvell)
iii. Time & Motion Study. In the three-colour
scheme for language editing, I was suggesting
that this work involves not just correction but
also medication. Each sentence has to be given
"special treatment": if, as Onvell says, "one is
willing to take the necessary trouble". The real
cost of language editing should be based not
on the number of pages corrected, but on the
number of hours invested.
Consulting with the author or publish-
er. When working on books, reports, long-
er articles, and illustrated works (e.g. tour-
ist publications), the translator/editor can
greatly help to improve the final quality of
the publication by having preliminary dis-
cussions with the author or publisher about
the overall style and layout. Among matters
that should be discussed are:
• the use of italics, underlining, bold print,
etc.
• abbreviations, especially in tables,
graphs and captions to photographs and il-
lustrations,
• Capital letters, particularly in headings,
tables of content, and titles or positions
(President, Manager - M or m?)
• translation or retention of SL vvords and
expressions (SAZU, Prekmurje, Narodna
galerija, Prešernova nagrada, Zelena pot,
kozolec). On the whole, I am in favour of
retaining the Slovene word vvherever pos¬
sible. If, for instance, SAZU appears sev¬
eral times in the text, when it is first men-
tioned the English translation may be given
in brackets (Slovenian Academy of Sciences
and Arts). Thereafter, the acronym SAZU
should be retained, and not the strange-
looking anglicised SASA.
I am also in favour of retaining the words
ulica and cesta, as in Rimska ulica (not Ro¬
man Street!) and Slovenska cesta (not Slov¬
enska road). After ali, even the English
will refer to rue des Ecoles (not to Ecoles
22
Mostovi 2003 Language Editing in English
Street) or Plače St. Michel (not St Michael's
square!).
Following on from this point, I should like to
make a special plea for:
v. Retaining the diacritic markers: š, ž, č
If there is no sound technical reason for
omitting the diacritic marker (v) on š, ž, and
č, it should not be arbitrarily left out, for the
mistaken reason that the word will some-
how be easier for the foreign eye to absorb.
It will not. In fact, removing the diacritic
makes it even harder for the foreigner to
some close to at least an approximate pro-
nunciation of the Slovene word. The diacrit¬
ic serves as a helpful signal to the intelligent
foreigner that this may look like an s or a c,
but it has a different, fuller sound - š and č.
After ali, sports commentators and the gen¬
eral public now have relatively little diffi-
culty in pronouncing the name of former
VVimbledon Champion Goran Ivaniševič.
Two further reasons for defending diacritic
markers, in other languages as well, are that:
• the general policy tovvards them, particular-
ly in the press, is uneven. The French accent
aigu (e) is usually retained, yet the identical
marker in Hungarian is most often omitted
- the composer Bela Bartok is, in fact, Bartok
Bela in Hungarian.
The Scandinavian 0 (as in Kabenhavn) is
fairly often used, yet the Polish 1 (as in Lodž)
is less often seen. The Latin cedilla 5 / § is
usually retained in writing French, Span-
ish and Portuguese vvords (e.g. Alengon,
Curagao), yet often left out in Romanian
words, e.g. Timisoara, Sighisoara (§). This
regrettable imbalance will become worse if
Slavic speakers, for instance, voluntarily dis-
pense with their own diacritic markers.
• With the expansion of the European Union
it has become even more important that spe-
cific features of the languages of ali coun-
tries which use the Latin alphabet be cor-
rectly transcribed and used in their proper
form. Othervvise, if they are not respected
and not used, these important markers will
gradually disappear. We will then just have
to accept that the beautiful Soča river is, less
euphonically, the Soča, or that the words of
the national anthem were vvritten by the poet
France Prešeren.
To end with, I should like to retum to a
word mentioned earlier - motivation. Al-
though language editing/lektoriranje does
focus mainly on correction or improvement,
rather than approval or praise, it should stili
be seen as positive, not negative. In my experi-
ence, the corrections are usually received vvith
interest and gratitude, not vvith resentment.
There are, for instance, scientists and research
workers who may have to submit their papers
as many as three times for language revision,
in order to comply vvith changes required by
the revievvers. Yet, in the end, a good work
properly presented will be published. There
are also translators who say that they contin-
ually leam from corrections to their work, by
becoming more sensitive to vvhere the "dan-
ger areas" lie. Publishers are becoming more
vvilling to insist on (and pay for) the essential
second revision of the final proofs. This is im¬
portant, because the quality of publications
- from brochures to books - is seen as a first
indicator of the quality of goods or Services
offered. A carelessly printed conference pro-
gramme, or a badly presented tourist guide,
does no good to the city's esteem. Language
editing helps to preserve local pride.
I leave the final word to my dentist, who
once remarked: "In a sense, our work is sim-
ilar. We correct the obvious defects, on the
outside; but only the patient knovvs what im-
provements have been made inside."
Acknowledgement
I ammost grateful to DZTPS (TheAssociation
of Scientific and Technical Translators of Slov-
enia), and in particular to Nada Primožič and
to the editorial board of Mostovi for having so
warmly encouraged me to vvrite this article.
23
Alan McConnell-Duff Mostovi XXXVII, št. i, 2003, 24-24
Selected References
Below is a veiy brief selection of publications
which, in different ways, are relevant to the topič
of language editing.
I Dictionaries and Glossaries
Collins. 1997. The Collins Concise Thesaurus.
Glasgow: HarperCollins Publishers.
Commission of the European Communities,
Translation Service. 1993. English Style Guide.
Brussels: Directorate for General and Langu¬
age Matters.
Crystal, D. 1995. The Cambridge Enci/dopedia of
the English Language. Cambridge: Cambridge
University Press.
Grošelj, M.I. 2000. "English-French-Slovene Vo-
cabulary of the Agreements between the Eu¬
ropean Community and the Republic of Slo-
venia." Ljubljana: ODIN, d.0 .0 .
Huddleston, R. and Pullum, G., eds. 2002. The
Cambridge Grammar of the English Language.
Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Longyka, T. 2001. Slovensko-angleški pravni slo¬
var. Ljubljana: Tomaž Longyka, Zbirka Ko¬
munikacija.
Mackin, R. and Cowie, A., eds. 2000. The Oxford
Dictionan/ of Phrasal Verbs. Oxford: Oxford
University Press.
Martin, E., ed. 1998. Concise Medical Dictionan/.
Oxford University Press.
Slovenska akademija znanosti in umetnosti, in
Znanstveno-raziskovalni center SAZU. 2003.
Slovenski pravopis. Ljubljana: DELO.
Šega, L. 1997. Veliki modemi poslovni slovar: angle-
ško-slovenski. Ljubljana: Cankarjeva založba.
II Reference works and articles
Burgess, A. 1975. Language maid plane. Fon¬
tana.
Debeljak, A. 2003. "Enotni slovenski kulturni
prostor in Evropa maternih jezikov." Sodo¬
bnost No.4, April. Ljubljana: Cankarjeva za¬
ložba.
Djurič, M. 2001. Academic English for Police and
Securih/ Contexts. Ljubljana: Ministrstvo za
notranje zadeve Republike Slovenije, Visoka
policijsko-vamostna šola.
Duff, A. McConnell. 2000. Into English: Writing
and Translating into English as a Second Langua-
ge. Ljubljana: DZS.
Duff, A. 1984. The Third Language: Recurrent pro-
blems oftranslation into English. Oxford: Perga-
mon Press.
Gabrovšek, D. 2002. "Lexical Foes One More
Time: A Global Vievv." Mostovi / XXXVI.
Ljubljana: DZTPS.
Gowers, Sir E. 1971. The Complete Plain Words.
Harmondsworth: Penguin Books.
Herrity, D. 2000. Slovene: A Comprehensive Gram¬
mar. London and NewYork: Routledge.
Limon, D. and Šabec, N. 2001. Across Cultu-
res: Slovensko-britansko-ameriško medkulturno
sporazumevanje/Slovene-British-American Inter-
cultural Communication. Maribor: Obzorja.
Limon, D. 2002. "Dealing withWord Combina-
tions", and "Word Order in Slovene and En¬
glish". Mostovi / XXXVI. Ljubljana: DZTPS.
Lipec, M. 2002. Priročnik poslovne in protokolarne
angleščine/AManual ofBusiness and Formal En¬
glish. Ljubljana: Založba Mladinska knjiga.
McGuiness, P. 2002. "Technical English".
Mostovi / XXXVI. Ljubljana: DZTPS.
Orwell, G. 1947. "Politics and the English Lan¬
guage". In The Collected Essays, Journalism and
Letters of George Onuell, eds. Orvvell, S. and
Angus, I. Volume IV. Harmondsworth: Pen¬
guin Books.
Potter, S. 1976. Our Language. Harmondsworth:
Penguin Books.
Thouless, R. 1974. Straight and Crooked Thinking.
Pan Books.
Swan, M. 1998. Practical English Usage. Oxford:
Oxford University Press.
III OST Seminar materials
(Spiral-bound publications, available from An¬
ton Omerza, OST, Ul. Fr. Mlakarja, 1000 Ljub¬
ljana)
Duff, A. McConnell. "Overtranslation & Under-
translation."
Gabrovšek, D. "Angleški terminološki slovarji."
McCollister, J. "Selected Topics in Slovene-En-
glish Translation."
Šega, L. and Lipec, M. "Angleški poslovni pro¬
tokol."
Šega, L. "Angleški poslovni jezik" (I, II, III).
Šega, L. "Poimenovanja v angleškem jeziku."
Townend, P. "Korekture prevodov v anglešči¬
ni."
24